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AIBU?

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Original poster

How would this make you feel?

13 replies

confusedmum8 · 25/10/2024 09:16

Am I going bat shit crazy and massively overthinking this situation or would you feel the same?

DH has worked with female colleague for around 10 years, friends but now he manages her. I also work for the same company different department and know this lady, in fact saw her as a friend, to add she is married.

Over a period of some time and usually when alcohol is involved she will WhatsApp him random messages could be anything from saying 'boring' when he's left a work event earlier than her or it could be super weird 'my pillow is cold' when they are away on business together. In fact she has even whatsapped him when I have been out with her.

He just ignores the messages and claimed that by ignoring them he would hope it stops, however he did say if it happened again he would say something. A week or so ago, another message pops up when she is out drinking on a Saturday night and I start to feel uneasy about it. I told him if he isn't going to address it I will (given the fact I see her as a friend) so that's what I done.

Do you think I'm over reacting? Why do these messages only come after alcohol.

Why do I feel like my husband is trying to protect his work relationship more so than nipping it in the bud to make me feel less vulnerable.

Sorry for the long message I'm driving myself crazy thinking this is a me problem?

For context we have been married nearly 10 years.. relatively young. Trust issues at the beginning of the relationship with him messaging someone else but I'd overcome that we were very young!

OP posts:
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SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 25/10/2024 12:17

'My pillow is cold' when they are presumably staying in a hotel together is a come-on, surely? I'd suggest to DH that he asks her to stop messaging him outside working hours because he's her line manager and is therefore inappropriate. The main thing is that he doesn't seem interested in this woman but she's out of order doing this.

Fizzballs · 25/10/2024 12:14

I think I'd be ok with occasional daft drunken messages that he wasn't responding to TBH.

Original poster
confusedmum8 · 25/10/2024 12:11

Thanks everyone for the reply's.

I guess I just feel a bit let down that H said he would sort it if it happened again and he did not.

Possibly over analysing!

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 25/10/2024 10:25

She seems immature.

ItGhoul · 25/10/2024 10:21

mamajong · 25/10/2024 09:36

I don't think it's that unusual to message daft things when you're drunk, she probably messages lots of people.

MAYBE she is attracted to DP BUT the fact that he doesn't reply, he hasn't hidden it, you know her also and the messages don't seem to be sexual/innuendo I don't think he's done anything wrong.

To me it seems like she is attention seeking but it doesn't appear that DH is playing along, he just doesn't want to make a big deal. I'd probably ignore the messages too and leave it at that.

I agree that it doesn't seem like your DH is playing along with this. I suspect the reason he hasn't addressed it is simply that it's very awkward when someone you manage is also a friend. He probably doesn't want to get into a painfully strained conversation in a meeting at work where he has to address inappropriate behaviour with a female colleague who is/was a friend. So he's been ignoring it.

I personally think that messaging random shit like that when drunk to someone you work with is, as you said, embarrassing. It's immature, attention-seeking behaviour. The message that said 'Boring' when he'd left a work event early seems totally fine and normal to me, but the stuff about her pillow and stuff is just cringe. But he doesn't seem to be engaging with it so I don't think he's done anything wrong.

000EverybodyLovesTheSunshine000 · 25/10/2024 10:19

Well she does get it. Doesn't she.

Original poster
confusedmum8 · 25/10/2024 10:05

mamajong · 25/10/2024 09:36

I don't think it's that unusual to message daft things when you're drunk, she probably messages lots of people.

MAYBE she is attracted to DP BUT the fact that he doesn't reply, he hasn't hidden it, you know her also and the messages don't seem to be sexual/innuendo I don't think he's done anything wrong.

To me it seems like she is attention seeking but it doesn't appear that DH is playing along, he just doesn't want to make a big deal. I'd probably ignore the messages too and leave it at that.

Thanks for this perspective. He never told me he got strange messages at the time, we were sat together one evening and one came through so I then questioned how often it happens.. to which he then said I could look as he has nothing to hide but he would address it if it happened again.

I guess we're different in that if a colleague had messaged me something odd I'd likely just blurt it out to my husband.

Part of me thinks he would never even mention it if I hadn't of seen them (which I get I guess he wouldn't see a need to)

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedmum8 · 25/10/2024 10:00

Hardcoresporn · 25/10/2024 09:32

What did you say to her to address it? What was her response? It's completely disrespectful of her to be messaging your husband. I wouldn't tolerate it either OP, completely agree with you.

I messaged her on the side saying 'why do you always send (name) odd messages when you're out drinking, it's embarrassing' maybe I shouldn't have added the embrassing bit but I did. I have a good relationship with my boss but I don't get sending odd messages when I'm drunk. Also to add I think it's different if it's in a work group chat but to direct message them feels odd.

She was drunk and replied with 'what's the problem, I don't get it'

OP posts:
Bakingandcrying · 25/10/2024 09:42

I’m with you OP, I wouldn’t like it. I specifically wouldn’t like it more from her part. He’s done the right thing, ignored her and been transparent with you about it. I understand it’s a bit awkward for him to outright tell her not to.

This sounds really bitchy but I would make a joke in front of her about it to embarrass her, “you going to talk to yourself in my husbands inbox after you’ve had a drink again haha”. It keeps it lighthearted but also makes her feel a bit silly for doing it, especially when she’s not even getting a response. I wouldn’t like to directly say “you need to stop” as it feels a bit heavy and I’d hate to come across as insecure about it.

Just my view but I agree it would piss me off that she’s doing that

BlueMum16 · 25/10/2024 09:41

mamajong · 25/10/2024 09:36

I don't think it's that unusual to message daft things when you're drunk, she probably messages lots of people.

MAYBE she is attracted to DP BUT the fact that he doesn't reply, he hasn't hidden it, you know her also and the messages don't seem to be sexual/innuendo I don't think he's done anything wrong.

To me it seems like she is attention seeking but it doesn't appear that DH is playing along, he just doesn't want to make a big deal. I'd probably ignore the messages too and leave it at that.

This sums it up perfectly.

Try not to worry and escalate this into something especially as you all work at the same company and he is her manager.

mamajong · 25/10/2024 09:36

I don't think it's that unusual to message daft things when you're drunk, she probably messages lots of people.

MAYBE she is attracted to DP BUT the fact that he doesn't reply, he hasn't hidden it, you know her also and the messages don't seem to be sexual/innuendo I don't think he's done anything wrong.

To me it seems like she is attention seeking but it doesn't appear that DH is playing along, he just doesn't want to make a big deal. I'd probably ignore the messages too and leave it at that.

Hardcoresporn · 25/10/2024 09:32

What did you say to her to address it? What was her response? It's completely disrespectful of her to be messaging your husband. I wouldn't tolerate it either OP, completely agree with you.

pizzaHeart · 25/10/2024 09:24

I absolutely wouldn’t like and it would be a big quarrel in our house. I would want husband to txt her not to message him and block her for a start. Not sure about going to HR depends on situation at work.
Call me possessive, controlling or whatever but it’s what I would do. Mind you I would do the same if a male colleague was txting me and I wouldn’t need my husband asking me to do this.
However if your DH is very non confrontational type may be that’s why he hasn’t done it yet.