DH being selfish or am I?

I was referring to people saying OP's husband shouldn't have to give up his hobbies.

It honestly sounds like having a life outside of your child would be incredibly beneficial. It’s good you’ve started on the anti depressants but you also need to make some lifestyle changes.
Do you have friends locally?
Start with one evening a week and one afternoon every other weekend. If a club or the gym feels too overwhelming to begin with then go to the pub for a glass of wine and sit with a book! Go for a mooch about the shops on a Saturday afternoon leaving DC with dad.
Raising children can be wonderful but it’s also relentless and exhausting, you need other downtime.
Plan one evening a week for yourself and one evening in with DH doing something a bit more special than sitting watching tv while scrolling. This is also down to personality and communication, you might think it’s giving you more quality time if your DH skips his hobby but he might be thinking why would I need to cancel when we’re just watching tv.

Why would it not be? The child is young and will be in bed most of his he evening anyway!
Mothers are allowed to have friends and hobbies too. Two evenings and two one activity at the weekend every other weekend sounds like a totally normal balance!

Definitely sounds like you need to have a good conversation with him so he can understand how you are feeling. I think the hard part of being a SAHM is that it's literally neverending, and that can feel so hard. I understand about the exhaustion- maybe an exercise class isn't what you need at the moment but more relaxing? For me, if I'm feeling exhausted,.when my husband comes home and all of the children are so happy to see Daddy and they all want to play with him, I can go and have some peace and quiet and take a bath or read a book (getting a bit of a break before I need to get the youngest 2 into bed) Also I saw that you said you don't eat proper meals and I know it feels hard to prepare them when you feel exhausted but it definitely helps when you try and prioritize taking care of yourself as well, making sure that you eat good food and get some fresh air as well can really help. Both you and your husband must be tired and both deserve a bit of your own time, as well as time as a couple (there really doesn't seem to be enough time in the day sometimes!)

I think you need to tell him what you’ve written here. Because if you stop coping he’s going to have an awful lot more stress on his plate than missing some hobbies now. He needs to be doing more to support you.

At the same time, do you have other friends? Your comment about being lonely hit me - being a SAHM to a toddler is really lonely and the only way I stayed sane was my friends- my SAHM “colleagues” if you like. My DH was working 11 hours a day and he did his best, but he couldn’t be my sole adult support and company. I needed people to meet up with at the park, chat with at toddler group, commiserate with about how quite honestly life with a toddler can be a pretty thankless and tedious thing…

Maybe that’s not your issue, or maybe it feels too hard to address right now, but it felt worth suggesting.

OP you need to tell him all of what you have written here.

I can't believe people are saying two evenings a week and every other Sunday is ok.

No, he ISN’T a great dad. Or husband.

It’s EASY to be ‘hands on, loving and engaged’ when you just play at it. When you only do it for a couple of hours here and there and when you actively want to, after you’ve done your hobbies and your ‘de-stressing’ of course! - oooh it would be horrible to have to do that, to have to play and focus and be ok and there for them again and again and again when you’re desperate for time out but you know they need xyz… oh hang on you mean parenting, not playing Fun Uncle… ooh hang on…

If he were a good husband you wouldn’t be posting this, if he were a good partner he would also be being a better, ie a real dad, not a part time Jolly Playing Uncle

@strugglingalong1 no advice but wanted to send massive massive squishes. x

I don't think he is selfish for having a hobby, if he works 12 hours a day that's a whole lot and he deserves his own time, but you deserve a break as well! I know some Mums find it easier to find a weekly class or something that's scheduled in so that its booked in. If he's a great Dad like you've said, I'm sure he can manage bedtime while you get a break.

I think working people (men) genuinely think that them going to work is enough contribution to home life. Of course its tiring but when i had a 1yr old I worked full time and did 90% of the childcare / house work. So the fact he goes out to work doesn’t mean he’s off the hook for helping out. Hobbies are great, but his seems excessive when you’ve got a young child. Unfortunately most men would never see that they are needed at home so not go to hobbies. I think your own option is for you to get a hobby or book plenty of days in with your friends so you can get some downtime away from family life. Do you have family who can babysit and help out? So you can go on some date nights etc? Life is tough when you’re in the trenches with young kids. Mine have grown up now, youngest 16 and it for once in my adult life (had eldest when I was 16) I can go on night outs and get a hobby without having to think about baby sitter.

This is a good plan.
Plus, as soon as he comes home in the evenings he can sort your DC's bath and bedtime. He then has the rest of the evening to relax and/or do any other stuff that needs doing.
Discuss all this with DH and carve some time out for you.

He might be a great dad (though I'm struggling to see when...) but he's not being a great partner.

Yes, you both deserve time to destress but he's getting 3 times a week while you're seemingly getting none!

Does he encourage you to go out too or is the expectation that he's working so needs free time while you're "just" at home??

You need some adult conversations to iron this out to something you both agree with.

he is a great Dad He is a role model for your children, and what he is modelling for your children is that the woman works all the time looking after the house and family, whereas the man's top priority is his leisure time. Is this the model you wish your children to see? And is a man modelling this a great Dad?

Your DH is being selfish.
2 nights a week? Plus Sundays to himself?

When do you get time to yourself?

I don't think he needs to sacrifice his hobby, 2 eveinging and every other weekend isnt that much, but he needs to do bed and bathtime when he's home. Dh used to.enjoynthisnas the only time during the week he saw DC.

This gives you a chance to clear up so you're both ready to have an evening when DC isn't bed.

Then you need to find a hobby or an escape 1-2 evenings and occasional weekends too.

When is your time for your hobby (even if that hobby is having a cuppa and scrolling mumsnet)

Surely he works 6-6 at work and you do the same at home and then when baby is in bed you both have the same down time. So the time he has for himself is 2 days a month. So you should get the equivalent.

@WhichEllie If he does, then he needs to look at how he can reduce that and have a better work/home balance (such as hiring more help). Or the hobby needs to go for now.

Presumably the biggest thing contributing to his working hours is being a single income household. Generally when there is only one earner it’s not going to be a cushty 9-5 that pays enough finically.

Why are you doing every bathtime and bedtime? Why are solely responsible for absolutely everything in the house? You need to sit down with DH and have a grown up conversation about him stepping up and doing his fair share of childcare. You are both tired in the evenings but if he's got enough energy to do his hobbies, he's got enough energy to bath the baby and put them to bed, stick some laundry on and do the washing up! You need to be more assertive about what you want him to do. Don't hint, don't be a martyr, just tell him - you're on baby duty tonight, I'm going for a lie down/walk/glass of wine in the garden!

I don’t think it’s particularly reasonable for him to skip his hobby because as you say you’re tired and a bit down. He’s in 5 evenings, you can surely just spend time with him the next night?

DH has his own business.

Hmm. Does he NEED to be working all these hours? Or like many men posted about on here, is he using his business as an excuse to check out of home/family life? There have been a couple of threads about men like this lately.

If he does, then he needs to look at how he can reduce that and have a better work/home balance (such as hiring more help). Or the hobby needs to go for now. But yes, it’s selfish of him to arrange both of your lives exactly how he likes and not give you any say in it.

When's your down time OP?

I work for myself op, what does your DH do? Because I bet it's not as hard work as looking after your DC. If he needs to work 12 hour days then something needs to be fixed in his business. Sure there are periods in growing any business where you do need to put these hours in but that should not be the norm!