God I said something awful on purpose to my grandfather

I don't think those of us who would have chosen not to shout at the abuser are abuse apologists. And I can't even honestly say that emotions would not get the better of me if I were in the OPs situation. Theoretically however, I prefer the idea of seeking proper justice. My own childhood abuser is long gone from my life so I can't take any action against him. And admittedly I don't know about the time frame for reporting abuse, but my feeling is that op would be better off speaking up about the abuse and having what GF did to her officially recorded. Others on here would know better than me the agencies that might make this possible.

Exactly this. I think different rules must apply 😂 I can't imagine getting angry and not being able to accept a differing opinion to keep on and on then trying to make me stop commenting, which failed. Weird.

OP I've never said anything like that to my abuser because like you, I would feel a lot of guilt. I think it's because a lot of abuse occurs within families there are a lot of conflicting feelings and this creates that intense conflict between guilt/anger/bitterness/whatever. I went completely no contact with my abuser and those who enabled it and feel immense guilt for that and I've stopped myself from lashing out with hurtful truths many times because I know that no good will come from it, only hurt feelings and lots of guilt for me.
I'm not saying this to make you feel more guilty though, I just want let you know that other people also have these thoughts and feelings and reassure you that you aren't alone in feeling the way you do. And to echo that the fact that you're feeling this way is testament to the fact that you're not a bad person.
You don't need to justify yourself with how many gifts you give out or what charity you donate to, you're human and you've got nothing to prove to anyone.

@DenimTurtle , are you sorry you said it? Personally I think he had it coming and if you hadn’t told him how you felt then you might have struggled with not being able to express that to him after he died. If he happens to still be alive when you’re next back in the UK I wouldn’t suggest visiting again. X

The fact you feel awful OP makes you a decent human being.

Don't sweat it.

"I pride myself on not stooping to the same level as my abusers, so I agree with you @Tink3rbell30. And good for you for standing your ground. I often find myself crumbling when I am targeted by people who don't agree with me on MN.

I also feel op should forgive herself - her remorse and sensitivity are a testimony to the fact that gf did not destroy her spirit or good character"

This is a very reasonable response @VictoriaSpungecake
I also never stooped to my abusers level, which is not a judgement of the OP before anyone jumps on me but i think it's important to point out that not everyone reacts the same way to abuse and it's not ok for posters here to pile on someone for having a different take on this.

"Are you enjoying being judgemental and superior on a thread about a victim of sustained child abuse?"

"Don't forgot focus-pulling."

The person you're all trying to bully made a single post. Not an abusive one, just one with a differing opinion to the majority. In return she has received several responses of varying levels of abuse, which she has responded to. The ones pulling focus and derailing are the people who can't accept other people's opinions so resort to abuse. Even your pointless "off you fuck" type messages contribute to the derailing...and reveal your hypocrisy to boot. Or is it ok to abuse others as long as you've never met them?

Just think to yourself that finally someone stood up for that little girl against that awful bully.
She finally has someone in her corner - You!
Well done 💐

Do you still see your mother? Did she know who she was leaving you with?

Good for you. Don't go back

THIS.

This is the only message OP,

I’m so sorry for you and your grandma, OP. I am glad you got the courage to tell him how he’s made you feel (but it’s understandable you feel awful afterwards; you don’t think like he did/does).

The abuser apologists on this thread seem to have missed an important part of the OP, the grandad, as in the past, got angry over something trivial.

OP saw he hadn't changed and, in my opinion gave him a tiny taste of his own medicine.

This isn't a vulnerable old man who has mellowed in his old age, he was an abusive younger man and that doesn't appear to have changed.

Best wishes OP

I’m glad for you that you got to say it to his face. I’m 52 and couldn’t bring myself to say it to my mother. I haven’t been to her grave and it’s been 8 years.

This story is horrible OP. As someone who idolised her grandparents, I am so upset for that poor little girl who should have been protected by the very person who has damaged her. And for how you are still the one feeling guilty.
Please get some counselling OP. You did not deserve what you have been through and you are not to blame.
Focus on your grandmother if you feel you can.

There are some crazy replies to your post OP. I’m sorry, I’m sure that’s the last thing you need.

You had a visceral reaction to your abuser and you said what you felt at that moment. It’s completely understandable and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If your GF had been a kind and loving parent figure your visit would have been very different, he created this dynamic.

I’d like to quote Gisèle Pelicot here because it’s such an empowering statement for any kind of abuse victim “The shame must change sides” .

Treat yourself with the loving compassion that your family did not provide you with when you were little. You might find some EMDR therapy helpful to process this and also your childhood.

Please, please do. You are being deeply offensive.

I don’t know whether it’s social media or something else. But something has made some people think they can say whatever they like and not consider the consequences. Like they don’t have that part of their brain that stops and considers whether what they are about to say (on a stupid fucking parents forum that they don’t actually have to comment on) is going to cause great pain to someone. Evidently, these people think that what they’ve got to say is so incredibly important that the feelings of someone who was abused as a child and is in pain, don’t matter.

I really cannot pretend to understand these people. I do hope there are some posters on this thread who are pretty ashamed of themselves at this moment. Sadly, I doubt that’s the case.

Just because he is old that doesn't suddenly excuse all his bad behaviour.
He must know what he did was wrong .
If anything it's much worse to be an adult and abuse a child. Which is what he did .
You shouldn't feel any guilt

He wasn't sobbing because he was sorry for what he did. He was sobbing only for himself. You're projecting your own emotions and thoughts onto him. He was about to kick off again so he clearly wasn't at all sorry for what he did and you shouldn't feel bad.

You really need to stop now. This is despicable.

I couldn't give a fuck what experiences leads to a man abusing a young girl, to be brutally honest.

Some folk are just plain fucking evil. I'll say it again, if there was ever a candidate for elder abuse, its this evil fucker.

Just because someone is old does not mean they are nice or absolved from any prior abusive behaviour. You have every right to be upset towards him and please do not feel bad. You were mistreated. Don’t give him another thought. I hope you have managed to have a happy life away from him OP.

@LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain

It's understandable you wanted to say your say, but it reignited an abusive dynamic. Can you grit your teeth and send him a card and flowers or cologne -- something he can 'show off' to the other service users, without you having to be present or involved.

Would you say this if the abuse had been sexual?

I literally cannot understand your point of view. It sounds like happy clappy bollocks to me. Why on earth would you recommend that the OP makes a kind gesture to her abuser? He made her childhood a total misery. Getting really really old does not absolve him of his crimes and maybe his suffering is poetic justice as he never received the actual justice through the criminal justice system that he deserved.

Dear God
I'm going to hide this thread
Why would you want care home staff to be abusers, to have had the experiences that turn people into abusers?!
Get out of your little war games worlds and go do some social work