Having your own children making you question what you were told about other families

I used to think a bit like you OP about my own situation. When I first became a mother and was totally sideswiped by how hard I fell in love with my child, I thought back to my childhood a lot. I thought my mother mustn’t had cared about me enough because we never talked about my feelings. She didn’t ’seem to care’ about my education or anything I was going through. I rarely confided in her or my dad etc etc
I am so glad I didn’t speak to her about it because as I have aged a bit, I realise that I was being a bit of a brat to think that way. That perhaps I am an independent and resilient adult because of how I was raised, not in spite of it.
I highly recommend everyone read a book called Bad Therapy by Abigail Shrier. She touches on a lot of this and makes a very good argument that parenting in the 80s/90s was largely right in the sweet spot.
Please, everyone, unless you suffered clear neglect or abuse, think really hard about blaming your parents for all your insecurities and worries. Own them and fix them yourself.

@TinyTeachr I think you need to teach them how to do things, teach them how to use the washing machine - checking pockets before you put things in, separate colours -dont put red socks in with white shirts etc and those things that feel obvious but are actually learnt through experience. They need to be taught how to make meals or to follow a recipe, to go shopping - not always buy the things at eye level as they are more expensive.

That doesn't mean the have to be left to do all of their laundry or to cook every meal, but teaching them the skills is essential rather than leaving them to flounder. If they hang out in the kitchen with you or go shopping with you they'll pick it up naturally from you modeling tasks but it helps if you explain why. But if they don't do that then they are going to struggle.

In other words pass on your knowledge so that new situations aren't new, scary and overwhelming.

I think the thing many of the current children would be saying on a thread like this would be things about over reliance on screens as babysitters and helicopter parenting without time to play unattended. Or parents parenting from behind a phone screen. Screens replacing the benign neglect of unsupervised play outside and chores etc. There will ALWAYS be something we get wrong because of these very contradictions - independence v full support. Of course they’ll be on threads like this - don’t imagine anyone is perfect. Hopefully they’ll understand their parents love them and did their best the same as we have to do in many cases. Without difficult experiences, we don’t move forward and become more resilient, whatever those experiences are. And also we have to learn to live in society and can’t be a disparate group of indulged individuals.

I realised when I saw the antics of my PIL. I thought, bloody hell these are a couple of narcs! Then I realised they’re no different to my parents.

I always knew that my parents would put each other first before the kids, same for ILs. Now i would have said they were a product of their time (70/80s) BUT my grandmother always said that her children, when they were children would come first. And she had 12 kids, so a lot of work and that was the 50s.

Realising that I am a product of selfish non-parenting and so is my husband is a sad thing.

This post really resonates with me

I find this thread a little worrying. Not at all trying to invalidate how anyone feels, but it worries me that there are those on this thread that felt neglected because their parents expected them to learn to look after themselves early, and also those that are feeling neglected because they weren't taught to do those things and felt unprepared for adulthood.

I don't think I get the balance right with my own children. I sort of hope that it all works out in the end. My eldest often seems anxious and responds to the mildest reprimand with excessive apologies and sometimes tears. I really hope none of them are ever on a thread like this. I've never felt like a "natural" at parenting and although I've read lots of books and think about them i know I make a lot of mistakes. Certainly my children don't seem to be gaining independence as quickly as I did. I almost never involve them in cooking a main meal or in sorting laundry or cleaning. I sort of hope it all works out in the end. I wonder how many mother's of people on this thread felt the same.

Agree with this. Times have changed. It's unfair to judge too harshly by today's standards

And remember, future generations will comment on how they were raised in the 2020s. Twas ever thus

We used to make fun of families who said "I love you" or were affectionate to each other....

i was a child in the 60s and 70s, a parent in the 80s and 90s and now a grandparent.

We thought we did a much better job than our parents because we didn’t do those things which we now know are abusive like beat our kids or tell them when we thought they were being worthless, or ignore their emotional or physical needs beyond the basics. But we did other things which we now know were actually abusive like leaving them in hotel rooms on holiday with a listening service while we went off to the restaurant, and allowing them to go by themselves to the park with their friends for hours on end from about age 7, shout at them aggressively when we were cross and expect them to fit into our often chaotic lives when they should have been our priority and we should have put them first much more than we did.

Two things I think are important. One is the availability now of a host of online information and advice which we simply didn’t have access to - you believed your doctors and the teachers, the church leaders, what you saw others doing etc. So a throwaway comment about you being too protective hit home even if it was in criticism of you being too strict about the use of car seats. We didn't have sites like this to validate our instincts when they were good and point out that we were out of order when we were. Generally, advice online is brilliant if you’re careful about sources - we simply didn’t have that. Being a young mum was a minefield. Whatever you did was wrong in someone’s eyes re going to work or staying at home for example. People had such strong, judgey opinions about it both ways.

The other thing is the past poor diagnoses of mental health issues. I now know my mum spent most of our childhood with significant undiagnosed depression. She was switched off, numb, went through the motions and we were definitely neglected in ways which would be seen as appalling these days. Going to school with matted hair and being in trouble for having an highly traumatic accident which broke my teeth. Being too scared to say anything about a sexual assault by a family friend age 11 because without doubt, it would have been ‘my fault’. That really was the norm then, although hopefully not everyone’s norm. There was a huge lack of overt evidence of love and actual emotional connection in my childhood.

I love how my grandchildren are parented and I love how forgiving my children are of me and my mistakes - they are amazing. I also forgive my mum and love her as she is now, because I honestly think she did her best too. It was good enough because the inheritance is an upward curve. I have so much admiration for young parents today but do worry about the level of anxiety and guilt in parenting which feels as high as ever.

My parents both worked full-time. We felt very loved and knew they worked to provide us with as many opportunities as possible. The thing that was difficult wasn't so much the work, it was that they were often very stressed. There wasn't much space for us to have any issues or for our problems to be considered. And we didn't get to do many activities because their weekends were filled with adult socialising and we just tagged along.

I think parents nowadays work much harder to avoid communicating their stress to their children and to make them feel valued, even if they have pressures on their time from working full-time. Most parents I know who work full-time will occasionally take time off work for school events (except teachers who can't, but then they often have school holidays to spend with their kids) and do activities with them at weekends, which is a lot of pressure on the parents but I'm not sure the kids are missing out hugely. You don't have to show up all of the time, but it's nice if you show up some of the time. My parents only very rarely attended school events like plays and assemblies but I just accepted it and latched onto my best friend's parents, who didn't seem to mind. If I can't attend a school event, I often ask another parent to look out for my DC and video it if allowed and they don't mind. Then I can say to my child "I can't be there today, but Max's mummy is going to wave at you for me and I'll hopefully get to see it afterwards". My DC likes this, and I do the same if other parents who I'm friends with aren't there.

@Lordofthechai I didn't read the thread as being about FT working parents. Mine both did, and DH and I both do. I don't resent them at all for working.

We're able to juggle a bit more due to hybrid working but on the other hand my parents finished at 5 on the dot and we were eating dinner en famille by 6. Kids did fewer activities then as well, the pressures are much bigger now- they don't need to do 9 different things a week.

Same as me and I was born 88. It's quite sad I feel, and I definitely don't have a great relationship with them. It's a real struggle. I have some health things and I would say oh you know when we were kids you didn't really go to the doctors about anything and people would say, oh my mum took me, I had this and that. So now I feel maybe it was neglect!

I've only read the first couple of pages but I relate quite a lot OP. I am 40 and having children and just generally getting older and having had a lot of therapy I'm starting to question a few things in my mind.

One thing that I have realised it just how judgemental my parents are, especially my Mum. A few people on the thread have used the term "sneering" and that's spot on. My Mum used to sneer (and still does at all sorts about people) and was quite open about it in front of me and my sibling. I have always been really careful not to do this in front of my children - it just doesn't feel right. But I do think their level of judgemental had impacted on me. It's certainly resulted in me having very low self esteem. I now recognise they are extremely insecure and very concerned about outside appearances and what people will think of them. I think this drives a lot of their behaviour.

There's loads I could say/go into/examples i could give but it's a rabbit hole.

However one thing I find especially grating is that they now have a dog and they afford this dog waaaay more understanding and care than they ever did me as a child and they do things that I do as a parent for my neurodivergent children that they will say is me being soft on my children but they do it for the dog and that seems to be "being a good dog owner". Eg They are always looking at how they can fix small things and it improves the dogs behaviour because they are looking st the underlying psychology for why she does the things she does. Now this was never done for me as a child and really needed to be. I have ADHD and probably autism but they never cared to look at underlying reasons for why I did things (I wasn't "naughty" but I was quite "weird"). I have to do this for my children (1 ADHD, the other is both) and my parents just don't get it. Yet they will do it for the dog.

They won't use a dog walker as they dont feel they are "in it for the right reasons", and they shop around for the best kennels etc because they are hugely concerned about the standard of care the dog will be given. But this level of care was never afforded to me in terms of my childcare and schooling and when I was abused by a staff member, who admitted it, they kept me in that setting even though the staff member remained employed. If I discuss that my children don't enjoy a holiday club for example, my mum will say "well they just have to lump it"

So I find it particularly grating that they have the capacity to understand wellbeing, psychology driving behaviour, making considered decisions .... but it didn't apply to me as a child and if I take those into consideration for my children then I'm soft. Yet they apply to the dog. This had actually made me more cynical about their parenting than anything!

I'm sorry the posts made you feel this way. If I'm honest, I think the working part is secondary to the parent's personality/parenting. It does add more stress, from the work itself or trying to juggle all the balls , but it's not the reason.

For years my mum finished work at 3 pm. She still didn't play with me, read to me, took me anywhere, attended any parent's evenings, helped with homework etc.

I never resented her for working, she was great at her job and I had quite a bit of pride in that. I resented her for not being a ... mum.

My mum prized self improvement and education above all else. Any activities that seemed frivolous and done purely for enjoyment were met with disapproval. I remember on one occasion she had been engrossed in a home DIY project all day and when she discovered I had been plaiting my hair and putting in butterfly clips she was quite upset with me.

Having my own children made me realise that playfulness and joy are valid goals too. I remember visiting my parents when my DD was 2 and we were clapping my DD for putting together a tricky wooden toy. If my DD got one piece wrong my mother did not clap. But of course when challenged, she completely denies being a critical person!

Reading this as a full time working mum (with full time working husband), whose kids don’t do after school clubs and activities due to childcare is a bit scary…
Anyone have working parents who didn’t feel neglected? I adore my kids and definitely don’t want them to feel unloved or unprotected.

The thing is, you're looking at it slightly wrong. It's hard to compare , because , when you think about it , with so many of us having neglectful or even abusive childhoods who would've raised the alarm or cared that we were anxious , depressed, self harming , had suicidal ideation etc.? The people who were supposed to care , didn't. We're not on any lists, or statistics.

My parents weren’t always perfect but this thread has made me grateful for them. I’m so sorry so many of you didn’t get the love you deserved.

I was very loved and supported. My mum stayed at home or worked part-time. She did sacrifice her career which is sad but she never made me feel like it was my fault and found other sources of creative and intellectual fulfilment. My interests, education and emotional life were supported, but I also had freedom. I had physical affection. She was perhaps a tad over-protective at times, and told me too much post-divorce (single mum syndrome, all my friends with single mums had the same, but the trade off is a very intimate connection). I’m not saying this to boast but because the reason she was such a loving, present mum is because her own mum wasn’t (a narcissist, I think, and an unhappy intellectually frustrated 1950s wife). So just as she broke the cycle so are you all in your parenting. That’s why it’s so nice to read about it, as the child of parents who mostly got it right. One day your children will feel similarly grateful, I’m sure of it!

It’s the smacking for me.

I wasn’t exactly beaten black and blue. My parents were good, kind and involved parents for the most part. But quick to smack when (I realise this now) they lost control. I suspect life was difficult for them. They were young and broke and unhappy. But I’ve been furious with my daughters before and it wouldn’t occur to me to lift my hand to them or scream and swear at them.

to this day I feel like they gaslight me, I was a bad and difficult child. But…I really wasn’t. I think I was pretty normal and run of the mill. Maybe a little cheeky but I didn’t do anything.

I know the times were different I appreciate that. But it’s like they didn’t feel the same way because I honestly couldn’t.

As someone with a difficult relationship with my mum (traumatic childhood due to neglect and untreated mh issues) I saw a thing on Instagram once that hit me right in the guts.

To paraphrase, it said something like
There is a very deep grief to be felt when you grow up being scornfully told "one day you'll have a daughter just like you and you'll see, and it'll serve you right ", and you have that daughter and she's exactly like you and it is the easiest thing in the world to love her.

I struggle through parenting my dd sometimes because she is so like little me, and so easy to love. And little me really did deserve someone to love her.

I always feel quite uncomfortable thinking back to my childhood for some reason especially now I'm a parent and when I had my first son I really had a lot of feelings bubble to the surface about my parents. On the whole I had a wonderful childhood and never went without but my dad was hardly ever around and I never remember having much physical affection but knew I was loved and cared for. Wasn't ever asked for my views and options about topics (even to this day especially with my Dad any view other than his view is stupid or wrong) I absolutely loved the fact my mum was a stay at home parent and was always around to take me to school etc. we didn't have loads of money but always bought new school shoes made the effort for magical Christmas and birthdays etc.

I kiss, cuddle and tell my boys every single day how much I love them and it feels so natural to me. I really want to be a good mum and do right by him. To me that means giving him a lover and safe home, listening to him, letting him have all his emotions and teaching him how to be a kind, considerate and independent little person.

I wasn't really taught any life skills such as how to cook or bake and have felt quite useless at being an adult to be honest! I think back in the 90's when I grew up it was easier for the parents to just get on and get things done such as cooking and they didn't take the time to show us because that would take too long, cause too much of a mess etc

A memory that stuck out for me as a teenager is when I went round to my best friends house for the first time and I couldn't get over how much fun and laughter they all had as a family. They were so happy and silly together. I never had that at home and it made me quite sad. Even to this day my parents and siblings are never funny and silly, maybe we're too worried and anxious about making a fool of ourselves - how sad is that!!

Yes, definitely. I remember my Mum saying other parents forced their children to grow up too quickly and put too much pressure on them.
By the time I was 16 I couldn't change a light bulb, change a fuse, cook a simple meal or budget at all.
Looking back, she just couldn't be bothered and didn't have the patience to teach me the necessary life skills. She taught me how to clean, however. You know, so she didn't have to 😐

I don’t understand why everyone is so certain that the current, child-centric approach to raising children is preferable? For every study that suggests it is, there is an opposing study, and the reality is that there’s no long term evidence on outcomes given this is a new phenomena. If anything, teens today seem to have much higher rates of mental illness (e.g. anxiety) than they did in the past and young adults seem to struggle much more in professional settings. This could be due in part to increasing rates of diagnosis, but again, this has not been proven.