To say that adult friendships aren’t worth the effort?

How did the friendship end?

I’ve just lost my best friend deservedly as I put in fuck all effort. I’m in my 30s and suddenly found giving people effort when I had nothing to give just impossible. I don’t know how I feel, guilty but if I’d have cared I wouldn’t have let it slide?

I’m on the fence with this one!!!

I've got very little family left so my friends, particularly my BF, is hugely important to me. We're quite different but I love her very much. She pretty much saved me when I was very low. I'd never be too dependent on anyone, though. Your most important relationship should be with yourself.

The thing is, people have different definitions of the word friend, a lot on here seem to regard a casual acquaintance as a friend, but to me, a true friend is a proper support through thick and thin, who you can confide in about absolutely anything and who gets you and you care deeply for, almost like a sibling whom you have chosen. Similar life experiences etc. These types of friends are very rare to find and most people probably don’t have more than one friendship like that if they were honest.

Most adult friendships are formed out of convenience and are fleeting. When I’ve met people as an adult, we get on in one context, but don’t talk or see each other outside of that. It’s easy to become cynical and disenfranchised and stop bothering when you start to realise how hard it is to find someone who is actually willing to build a meaningful friendship. I don’t bother anymore myself as I can’t be arsed to take the time to get to know someone for nothing and I suspect many feel the same.

Could not disagree more with this. The older you get, the more important friends become in my view.

I see so many posts on here from people who have ditched friendships because they are hard or involve “drama” or because they now have “my little family”. It’s desperately unwise to drop your friends because you have a partner and kids.

Yes it hard and harder than it was. Yes you have to make an effort and sometimes go out when it’s cold and you can’t really be arsed.

But it’s insurance for your future.

Theres nothing more depressing than the lives of people who only see their spouses. It’s a miserable, closeted, small minded existence. You need outside perspective. You need distraction and different points of view. And critically you never know what the future holds. Nearly half of marriages break down and sadly people die. Lose friends at your peril.

Crap friends are worse than no friends, but a good friend is worth their weight in gold!

Sounds like an easy way to end up totally alone.

Even if your partner doesn’t leave you, he might die first.

Children are not a substitute for friends as they have their own lives to live.

I am in my 50 and have 3 close, wonderful friends. Not a great number but they are people who mean a great deal to me and I to them. Not even the slightest hint of hard work or stress involved.

My life would be emptier without each of them.

I'm sorry to hear you have not had good experience but don't let it put you off finding great friendship in the future.

I've been thinking the same thing recently. Just because you have been friends for years doesn't mean you have to always be. It just dawned on me yesterday that a friend of over 20 years is always hard work now. I had a major client win recently (household name) and all she did was rain on my parade with negative things they did 15 years ago and keep sending me wiki links to negative things about them. This was the final straw in a long period of annoyance.

Couldn't agree less. My adult friends are so important to me.

No. I still need friends no matter how old I am. Obviously they don’t have the energy and time invested as friendships when I was younger. I have several friends (mostly not connected to each other), I see them once or twice a year with occasional texts. I don’t go out in the evenings with them.

I have no parents or siblings but I do have two daughters and three grandsons.
I have had one long time friend ghost me for reasons I will never learn, a fair few defriended me after my marriage broke down, but my DDs were there for me throughout even though we don't live near each other.

Just back from a weekend away with my friends and my god they made up for a horrendous year! Op take a step back, take a look at what you find difficult and see where you want to go from there. I think you’ll find it’s something else or that you and your friends just aren’t on the same page. Someday children have to head off into the sunset, parents sadly will go, you’ll need your friends by your side x

Yes, but that’s one family member, it’s very unusual for family to come and go like the wind. Even if one or two leave your life, most stay in it. Friendships can end for a whole host of reasons. I’ve definitely had more friends let me down and leave or friendships naturally end than I have had family members leave. My dad left when I was 5, but my mum and siblings are always there and always will be, whereas who knows what will happen in my friend’s lives.

It depends if the friendship is balanced or not. Friends who expect more from you than they give in return are not worth it, IMO.
The ones who talk AT you without asking or listening, who receive presents but forget birthdays, who take and don’t give. Those are common, and keeping them going is simply a box ticking exercise.

All of my friends are very low maintenance/ we don't mind if you take a few weeks to reply to a text, we can go months between seeing each other but we would always be there for each other/have each other's backs.

I'm lucky to have a handful of very close friends including my best friend who I've known for nearly 50 years. Couldnt have got through my marriage break up last year without them.

I would only recommend giving up on your friends if you have never really liked having friends anyway. Don't rely on a partner for all your companionship needs as that makes you very vulnerable.

Need to add when it comes to family, mine feels more like a social experiment as one of six kids. I adore two of my sisters and would have sought them out as friends, one other sister and my brother would have been passing acquaintances, pleasant enough but not gone to a huge effort and one of my sisters well I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire.

Blood thicker than water, well yes but that’s why family annoy each other, you don’t choose them.

I'm friendless by choice, family sustains my human connections.

I voted YABU because to others, their friendships fill their soul.

YABU. I’m in my early 50s, happily single & fully intend to stay that way for life, but would be less happy if I didn’t have my amazing network of friends.

I adore my mates though obviously lives are busy. If you really value someone it’s worth the effort.

My life would be so much worse and so boring without my friends. They mean so much to me.

My friends have been in my life longer than my own dad was. Depends how lucky you get with your family.

I don’t have any friends that I would trust to actually care about me. I used to but experience has made it clear that it was all just smoke & mirrors.

I now have lots of friendly acquaintances and I find that is much less hurtful in the long run as when you have no expectations you can’t be disappointed.