To say that adult friendships aren’t worth the effort?

My friends are my family. I couldn't cope without them. It took me until my late 20s/early 30s to really find my tribe though. I value their advice and support so much.

Yeah, but you never know what could happen in the future. They might move. My friend's child lives in Australia now. I wouldn't want my DS to feel like he couldn't spread his wings because I didn't have anybody else to spend time with.

I think you are conflating two things there. The first is becoming over reliant on one person which i agree is never a good idea, and the second is having the kind of social environment that suits the individual. I never had children and my husband is dead. You would consider my circle of friends unhealthily small and ditto my social situation. I didn't go to pieces when my husband died, I don't feel that I am aging prematurely or am emotionally dependent "horribly" or otherwise. I agree that I may be an outlier on the social needs spectrum but we do exist. When my husband died I was inundated with suggestions for support groups, choirs, coffee mornings...pretty much you name it. If I didn't want these things before my husband died, why would I want them afterwards?

Being “insurance” feels so impersonal. I would hate to just be used as insurance. Surely that kind of utilitarian concept of human beings just stinks?

when times get rough you find out who your friends really are.

Where's the effort? Roughly once a month one of us sends a text, "Fancy a pint?". We pick a day and go for a pint. We enjoy. Rinse and repeat with more or less frequency depending on closeness of friendship / busy-ness of lives / need for support.

Means I end up out with some set of friends about once a week. It's not exactly onerous.

@godmum56 @WasThatACorner maybe “insurance” isn’t the right word.

But I strongly believe that keeping your social circle alive is critical to good mental health, self confidence and healthy aging.

At the starkest level it’s dangerous to be too dependent on one other person, for sure and you will be incredibly vulnerable if your marriage breaks down. But it’s also a much wider psychological benefit.

Having a social life which starts and ends with your spouse and children shuts people’s minds down, ages them prematurely and often leaves them horribly emotionally dependent.

Everyone has come across these desperate older couples where they can’t function without one another: people become used to treating their spouse as a crutch and lose all their sense of their being a life outside.

It’s an awful life. Better to be single than be hopelessly reliant on one person for everything.

I was called out for being a shit friend and just never replied to again. All my fault really, I was bang to rights. I apologised but she was right.

Why do new posters keep posting these kinds of questions?
If it's for essays or articles, would AI not just be better?

Theyre worth it, especially when times get rough.

What is the ‘effort’ you find so difficult? I don’t think friendships involve much effort of any kind.

I have better, more important friends now, in my mid 50s than I ever had when I was young.

I don't necessarily think it's realistic to expect friendships to last a lifetime and yes, while busy with a young family it's probably one of the things to let go, when everything's too hard, but I'd hate to be without my friends now, as a single middle aged woman with grown up children.

In general, I agree, but do think it’s worth trying to hold onto friends if you have good ones (at any age, really). I’ve always struggled with relationships and friendships and sometimes I do feel like just completely throwing the towel in, though. I only have one friend who doesn’t feel like hard work (we go way back to middle school), but I’m unlikely to see her in person again for a long time.

In my 50s. Seeing schoolfriends tonight. Another friend who has just moved at the weekend. Trying to coordinate busy calendars for pre-Christmas meet-ups with another couple of groups of friends.

I'm single and childless. Parents both dead. Friends are hugely important.

Kids grow up but they come back. Mine have moved out but we meet up regularly and I get on better with them than anyone else in this world. There's no one else in the world who loves me unconditionally like they do.

I'd really hate to be seen as anyone's "insurance"

This. If its work they aren't friends

My friendships feel effortless. It doesn't matter how long we spend apart, we fall back into place when we see each other again. But then my friends are lovely, maybe yours aren't.

I think yabu but that is from my point of view as someone with no close family.

if I did have no friends I would literally spend weeks/months alone as my team at work all work from home

I've been massively let down by people who I thought were friends who dropped me like a hot brick the one time I needed their support. I can't see the point bothering now. I'm perfectly happy in my own company.

If that’s how you feel it means you’ve got bad friends. I have a small circle now but our friendships are low maintenance. We all have husbands, babies, work. We can’t text all day or phone every evening. But when we meet up every couple of months we have a great catch up and they are like family to me.

I have had to ditch a few bad apples that expect to much of my time and can’t understand I have a life, or bring drama to my peace.

I'm not sure I'd want to be someone's insurance for the future. I'd much rather they told me they don't want to go out in the cold / dark etc and we figure something out that works for both of us. It isn't much of a friendship if one person actually doesn't want to be there.

There's also an argument for not doing the things you don't want to do, try new things (with existing friends or without) and opening yourself up to new experiences and new friendships.

Are your friends a bit shit OP?

Mine are fabulous.

My female friends are worth the effort to me. I’m thankful that I maintained my friendships as otherwise my partner dying would have been even more traumatic.

Friendships seem to get harder to start and maintain as the years go by, but good friends are worth the time and effort.