To think monogamy is outdated?

I’m not sure monogamy is of a particular time. I think different types of relationships work for different people. Monogamy is a preference. Monogamy may be an absolutely essential boundary for some people but not for others (it’s not for me). I think it’s great that we live in a society where we can have any relationship set up that suits us.

I also don’t think that peoples preferences regarding monogamy can (or should) be changed. It’s a preference that seems pretty fundamental.

Interestingly, I’ve become open to non-monogamy in my current relationship because it’s the healthiest and most secure one I’ve been in in my life. You need that foundation to do non-monogamy ethically and positively. Jealousy was strongest for me in unhealthy and insecure relationships, so I’m not sure of the evolutionary argument that it’s necessary. I think as humans we can decide what instincts we want to follow and which ones to question and resist. I would be perfectly happy to be monogamous with my partner but it’s also nice to have the option to indulge in that exciting early dating phase if I or they meet someone we fancy.

That said, I agree with other posters that you’re conflating several things - monogamy
doesn’t mean expecting one person to meet all your needs or being with them for life. One could have several monogamous relationships over their lifetime and still maintain independence - you don’t even need to live together to be monogamous!

I think it’s always worth questioning social norms, but I don’t think monogamy itself is inherently outdated - it shouldn’t be held up as the only proper way to do relationships though. It’s a choice among several, no more or less valid than polyamory or celibacy.

"one person to fulfil all your needs for life"

Eh? We've never expected that. You know that people have and always have had friends, right?

That makes no sense

Of course it is bad if only one person knows they are seeing someone else and their partner knows nothing of it, and the unknowing partner would not be happy with that situation (which is fine)

if both parties are aware and happy then it's not cheating.

I have absolutely no desire to meet ALL of my husbands needs. That’s what he has friends for. Equally I have friends and hobbies that meet some of my needs.

Do we require each other to be sexually monogamous? Absolutely yes. Call me immature, unevolved or whatever but I am not made to share my life partner sexually and neither is my husband. If other people want to open up their relationship, that’s up to them.

Nobody is forced to be monogamous. If you think it's not for you, you need to make it clear to any partners that you have.

My FIL and MIL had been together since 15 and 17 and had a very strong marriage. The happiest couple I know met at uni and are now in their 50s.

Its funny, most people see having life long friendships as a positive, and that its great to have someone who has such a deep understanding of you and you of them.

Yet there are those who try to frame this as a negative in marriages. Why? Sure married couples can drift apart as they change in life, just like friends can, but for those who stay and grow closer with age its absolutely brilliant. A real winning the lottery of life situation.

I am planning a solo trip to meet a friend in Greece in December. DH doesn't want to come so he won't. I will be pursuing some of my niche interests, meeting new people, doing new things while being monogamous! It's not a cage.

Serial monogamy is the norm, whether people like that or not. I don't have the data available obviously, but I would have thought it was extremely likely most people have had more than one sexual partner in their lives. You wouldn't expect someone to only have one sexual partner ever.

It's a lovely idea that people stay together their entire lives, but people shouldn't make themselves unhappy trying to pursue that ideal. It's ok to leave and get into a new relationship. I don't feel at all guilty for being divorced, for example. I'm not spoiling my one life for the sake of pleasing anyone else.

I came here to say this, who puts pressure on one person to fulfill all of their needs? I would feel stifled if my DH was involved in every part of my world.

@UniqueOrca

Are you single?

I've felt this strongly before, when single, and after divorce, but now I'm in a happy relationship, I don't. Everything looks different when you're in love. When I was young and driven by my ovaries, I was strongly attracted to the man I wanted to have children with, though I didn't realise at the time that I wasn't looking at the long term. Now, in mid-life, I want someone I can be happy and relaxed with. But isn't it beautiful when you see couples who do really work well long term?

However, clarification needed - "monogamy" doesn't mean you stay with one person for life, it just means one person at a time, as opposed to having multiple partners. It sounds like you are thinking of "lifelong monogamy". If so, certainly there's a large proportion of people who it doesn't work for.

This is another counter reality argument. It clearly is not just social conditioning, as humans feel sexual jealousy. We would not have feelings of sexual jealousy if we had not evolved the capacity to do so, and it evolved for a reason, which is not hard to work out.

In fact, from open relationships/ polyamory chats I have read, its the other way around. People in these relationships often seem to be trying very hard to consciously ' socially condition' themselves out of the feelings of jealousy that they are experiencing.

Funny thing is, I've been with my husband since I was 18. I am 50 now, and in all these years, I have met lots of people, grown and evolved, learning on the way, facing challenges. ..I have just done it with him. I have not been prevented from interacting with anyone else, or travelling, or learning new things. We grew together. We evolved together.
You may not have been able to do that with the love you had at 18. I could, did, and still am.

Honestly, monogamy doesn't mean you are locked in a cage for the rest of your life.

I think the problem is not with monogamy but with expecting any one individual to meet all of your needs for life. What a curious idea!!

It isn’t realistic to expect another person to fulfil all of your needs for life. That’s up to you and it would lazy and complacent otherwise. Perhaps the problem isn’t monogamy but your expectations of it?

I had lots of "fun" before marriage (long term and short term and non defined relationships). I enjoyed that but have been (almost always) happily married for 24 years.
I love DH more as time goes on and love the depth of our relationship. Can't imagine having that with anyone else. I am very sociable and out loads without him which helps with the potential boredom factor.

No of course it's not 'outdated', it's up to each individual/ couple to decide what works for them.

I thin people are confusing monogamy with having a possessive controlling spouse. I meet lots of other people while being married and learn about their worlds. Just not romantically.

It's not about anything being outdated, as pp says it's works for some people. The important thing is that don't promise monogamy then betray that promise.

Monogamy really is about promising to reserve your resources for one nuclear family. I don't think that's outdated. For men that was about ensuring that your wife's children were yours no some other man's and for women it was about ensuring that the man would stick around and that he was the boy providing for your own children not dozens of other women and their children.

Don't marry if you don't intend to stick to those principles. It's outdated that you have to stick to that traditional life if you don't want to. Stay single, sleep around as much as you want!

Social conditioning is hard to break
We have been told all our lives that seeing someone else is cheating and bad and some even break up families over it.
This would be a very hard mentality for most people to get over

It seems your definition of monogamy is incorrect? Monogamy means to have one sexual partner at any one time. It does not mean to have that one partner for life.

One could always take up polyamoury or have an open marriage? I can't think of anything worse, but some of my friends are doing that.

Absolutely this!

People who criticise monogamy come up with crap arguments like 'one person cannot fulfil all your needs' to justify wanting to shag around.

I've always been monogamous and never once have I expected or experienced my partner as ' fulfilling all my needs' and never once have I fulfilled all their needs. We both have full lives of our own. We enhance each other's lives, rather than become each other's lives.

I feel like the point of life is to grow and evolve, learning things along the way, facing periods of discomfort / adjustment and ultimately spending time with people who bring you joy and happiness. As a result, we can outgrow relationships that no longer serve us. Personally, I could not imagine spending decades with the same person. I like meeting people. I like learning about other people's lives and worlds. If I was still with the same person I loved when I was 18 I would have a pretty shit life nowadays I think.