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Original poster

Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

205 replies

victoriasponges · 24/10/2024 12:46

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

OP posts:
JJBB22221111 · 28/10/2024 19:34

cestlavielife · 24/10/2024 12:48

Stop going round in circles.
Send him to live in his own flat.
Agree child contact arrangements
Live a beautiful life without him

This.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2024 19:33

OP, I'm sorry this is happening. It's vital you report any abusive behaviour to the police. You need to start a paper trail. When he's out dump his stuff outside and change the locks. Let him take you to court for contact. Please call Women's Aid who will be able to help. Get a CMS claim in immediately. You sound so beaten down by him. Time to put yourself and your boy first. This twat sounds like he's been to the school of Andrew Tate.

Kay130821 · 28/10/2024 19:31

You are in a emotionally abusive relationship, he has made negative comments about you to his friends and painted you to be someone you aren't.
He gaslights you and turns things around on you when you challenge him on his behavior and makes it your fault. He is incapable of taking any responsibility for his own behavior.
That is not love. That is not a healthy committed relationship. He belittles you, makes you feel less than, rather than the woman who is bringing up his child.
He is a drain on your life, you live in your own home, that he pays nothing for, but comes and goes as he pleases expects you to play wife and then goes off with his friends to play the single man with his friends.

I would encourage talking to a professional and working on your self esteem and self worth, because you are most definitely worth so much more than this terrible excuse for a partner.

Go through the courts, child maintenance, change the locks and only have contact regarding your child through a third party.

You deserve so much better this is not a relationship between two people who are supportive of one another this is a grown man wanting a someone at home to do everything for him and giving nothing of substance back. It's scraping the bottom of barrel and then some.

I hope you have people around you that can support you, because you need those to help you to remain strong. Because when he realizes you are taking control he will start to be an amazing partner. And you will doubt yourself and believe he will have changed. People like this never change, they are incapable of this.

Walk away and get help and look after you and your child. You deserve so much more than this excuse for a partner.

Klozza · 28/10/2024 19:29

“compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him"

I can tell you that there probably isn’t any other women that would love to have sex with a marijuana addicted 42 year old who spends all his time smoking with his friends and clubbing. Sounds like an absolute loser, get the hell out of there

BoundaryGirl3939 · 28/10/2024 19:29

It's your partner who is causing the drama. He is running about badmouthing you, and his friends believe him. The problem is him.

JoBoJoBo · 28/10/2024 19:28

victoriasponges · 24/10/2024 13:18

I'm 35 and he is 42.

I have approached the subject of us going our separate ways for months and all he will say is "well I am taking my son with me".

I will tell him again today that I want to move on and go our separate ways.

Get a solicitor and tell them about his abusive behaviour and drug taking.Involve the police maybe ?

JoBoJoBo · 28/10/2024 19:23

Icancopealone · 24/10/2024 12:57

It doesn't sound as though he is really your partner at all. You share a child and that is all. He otherwise lives the life of a single man with his own friends, his own holidays and probably with other women. I'm sorry OP but he doesn't seem to even like you, let alone have any respect for you.
You should end things with him and make sure he contributes financially for his child.

Op partner is a cock lodger.

JoBoJoBo · 28/10/2024 19:21

BobbyBiscuits · 24/10/2024 15:32

I'm sorry but he sounds about 16. He needs to man up and sort it out. He's leaving you abandoned while acting like a teenager.

I smoke weed every day and there's no such thing as 'withdrawal'. It's not heroin fgs. I was in hospital for 5 weeks and managed without a smoke. Cannabis use or the lack of it is no excuse for bad behaviour.

You need to literally disengage with this person. He's not ever going to start doing you any favours and you deserve much, much better.

Edited

Skunk cannabis has been shown to cause paranoia and depression etc.The op partner could also be taking other illicit drugs or he could just be a narcissist.

JoBoJoBo · 28/10/2024 19:19

victoriasponges · 24/10/2024 12:54

It's like even yesterday I was feeding the baby breakfast and just asked him to check if the back garden gate was open as I wanted the AO work men to deliver the new appliances through the back to avoid a mess in the living room and all I got was abuse for hours.

I was told I was "being difficult" and how I was telling him to tell the workmen what to do, all I did was ask him a question.
He is very argumentative as well and he could see he had me in tears and just wouldn't stop.

I have to tolerate this on a daily basis and it's worst first thing in the mornings.

Our child loves his dad and I only have him round because I don't my son to miss his dad but now it's just getting to much for me mentally.
All I hear is about his friends and the comments they have made about me now.

God what an abusive arsehole.All you did was ask him to open the gate. The baby is watching him being horrible to you.Please get rid of him x

Littlesandjoolz · 28/10/2024 19:15

I could have written this. Hes gross and so are his scummy friends. End it.

Moellen54 · 28/10/2024 19:11

Why are you with him ? Surely you are worth more than being run down by his mates and their partners. He wont change and you have a baby to think about

NikNak321 · 28/10/2024 19:05

cestlavielife · 24/10/2024 12:48

Stop going round in circles.
Send him to live in his own flat.
Agree child contact arrangements
Live a beautiful life without him

Just this ⬆️⬆️⬆️

1mabon · 28/10/2024 19:03

Run a.s.a.p but make child payment arrangements first

mamajong · 25/10/2024 08:34

I don't think the issue is his friends, it is he himself. He is not making you happy and it's not healthy fir your son to grow up witnessing how he is treating you. End things now and set some clear boundaries

unmemorableusername · 25/10/2024 08:30

Dump
Dump
Dump

fashionqueen0123 · 25/10/2024 08:11

Please do call women’s aid. You will be better off without this man child.

malificent7 · 25/10/2024 07:49

Dump this looser and get your self respect back.

CurlewKate · 25/10/2024 07:45

Make sure your contraception is rock solid.

Think what you would say to your child if she was grown up and came to you with this story.

Put in a claim for child support.

Have nothing more to do with him.

THisbackwithavengeance · 25/10/2024 07:38

He's not a partner is he!

He's a babydaddy. But your own behaviour in this "relationship" hasn't sounded great either. Sometimes things appear shit because they are shit and no amount of work will make it better.

I assume you've got your flat and are claiming benefits as a single parent? Keep it that way.

Next time, find someone better to have a child with rather than bringing another child into a shitshow.

sesquipedalian · 25/10/2024 07:38

Tell him he needs to find one of these (non existent) wonderful women who run their husband a bath, have dinner on the table and do all this with six kids. I had five, and when they were little barely had time to blow my nose! I regret to say that this man is an utter waste of space, and it’s only going to get worse. If he was “controlling, overbearing, and condescending” when you were in hospital having just had a baby, I can on,y imagine what he must be like when there’s nobody else around. You need help - try women’s aid, go to the Citizens’ Advice Bureau, see a solicitor and find out exactly what your rights are. And maybe get in touch with the police and tell them this scumbag has threatened to take your DS away if you have the temerity to leave him. I have to say that LTB is far from my default position when I read posts on here - but you really do need to. Is this honestly the role model you want for your DS? Because I’m afraid his father won’t change.

GreyCarpet · 25/10/2024 07:36

For example I am very hands on, tell my son I love him multiple times a day and say he pushes his head back on the play mat abit to hard and starts to cry he will start an argument and tell me "he does not want a gay son" and that "I am mollycoddling him and you make it worse by making a fuss of him".

He's a man of very limited intelligence, isn't he?

I'd just get rid of him and focus on your child. There is no point in complaining about him and doing nothing. He doesn't even have a key to your house let alone live there.

Text him that he's dumped and don't open the door to him. Phone the police if he causes a scene.

Honestly, it'll.he really easy to get this one put of your life. Oh akd he won't he taming your son with him because, like every other an who threatens this, he just won't be arsed. You'll get no fight from him.

Hel get to keep his lifestyle and then badmouth you some more about how you won't let him have his son. That'll be more meaningful to him than actually parenting.

Yes, that's annoying but do you really care what these friends think of you? Really?

GreyCarpet · 25/10/2024 07:29

"XYZ's Mrs runs him a bath when he gets home from work and has dinner waiting on the table and they have 6 kids" he tells me nearly every other day, again to compare me to other women.

That maybe true but it's not the relationship he has cultivated with his 'Mrs' is it?

thepariscrimefiles · 25/10/2024 07:20

victoriasponges · 24/10/2024 23:14

Sorry I just seen this now.
I live in the UK, and he is mixed race white and Jamaican, I am white.

The homophonic comments he makes are appalling, they really get to me as I have a gay cousin which is why I think he says it.

I'm going to call Womens Aid tomorrow for some advice as he is adamant that he must see our son everyday.

Show quote history

He says he must see your son every day? Well that's a joke isn't it? How did he see his son every day whenn he was abroad with his cousin and on weekends away while you looked after the baby?

It's just a threat to make you scared to leave the relationship and to punish you for not accepting his horrible abusive behaviour.

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/10/2024 01:02

Theoldbird · 24/10/2024 12:49

Please get away from this disgusting pig.

You have a child now. A child who will be watching you very very closely and learning all about relationships and how women should be treated from you two. don't let your child down. Free yourself and go and live a brilliant life with your child.

Edited

This.

They all sound lowlife. Don't be chasing their approval. Raise your standards and focus on your child's wellbeing.

krustykittens · 25/10/2024 00:53

Jesus. In case you are in any doubt, OP, let me echo what PP have said. This man is an abusive, aggressive, drug-addicted waste of space. His friends are not much better and he will only get worse. Much, much worse. Luckily, you have proof of his behaviour, including threats of violence, so yes, get in touch with woman's aid and get a strategy in place to keep you and your son safe. Thank God you didn't give him a key.