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Original poster

Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

205 replies

victoriasponges · 24/10/2024 12:46

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Bluebellsparklypant · 28/10/2024 21:05

You need to detach yourself from him mentally, don’t get caught up in what he’s saying to you, don’t get caught up in the argument because you will go round and round in circles and get nowhere. If you act like you don’t care he has nothing over you. Make a promise to yourself and your child you will be in a better peaceful place in 12 months time. Go for it

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/10/2024 21:03

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2024 20:54

@Zone2NorthLondon Not "chirruping" as you put it. It is OP's property, they're not married, he has his own place. He doesn't even have a key. Yes she absolutely should get his shit out and make herself and her child safe because currently they are not.

I’m observing it can be an over used trope on mn,that is casually advised as solution
ok.so he’s not on tenancy or mortgage in which case tell him to move out,change locks, bag up his belongings

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2024 20:54

@Zone2NorthLondon Not "chirruping" as you put it. It is OP's property, they're not married, he has his own place. He doesn't even have a key. Yes she absolutely should get his shit out and make herself and her child safe because currently they are not.

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/10/2024 20:49

Keep a record of what he says,does. Keep any text,screenshot etc
get legal advice
ask police about domestic violence protection order (dvpo)

wishing you and your son,well and sorry you’re experiencing this

CJsGoldfish · 28/10/2024 20:49

For your child, this will be his 'normal'. This will be how he believes women are treated because he looks to you to teach him by example. What you are modelling is harmful to him. He won't know any different. He will see you as he's learnt to see you and treat you as he's learnt to treat you if you continue to expose him to this.
If you can't do it for you, this needs to be the motivating factor to find the strength and support to leave this man. You have it within you, you just need to find it. It's clear that you love your child and want what's best for him and you deserve what's best for YOU as well.

DisabledDemon · 28/10/2024 20:45

Oh yes, you need to kick this one to the kerb.

I have a feeling that once he takes in the reality of having his son 24/7, he will realise how it's going to cramp his freewheeling lifestyle. He is using your child to keep you in order.

Take legal advice and then boot him out of your life. The only thing he contributes to it is misery.

dawngreen · 28/10/2024 20:44

Every one I have met who smokes drugs are the same. Paranoid, and quick to rage. Get rid of the drama you have a son now, and you cannot change his dad. So let him free to live at his place, and party with those mates.

EalingLucy · 28/10/2024 20:34

Oh god. He sounds bloody awful and very abusive. Please leave him

Hyperbowl · 28/10/2024 20:34

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/10/2024 20:33

No, don’t lock him out of it’s his home and tempting as it is don’t dispose of his belongings
Mn always chirrups the lock and throw him and his stuff out. It’s not the answer. It’s potentially illegal and it’s provocative
Who name is the house in? Is it joint or sole name. You ? Him, rental or a mortgage?

Show quote history

It’s not his home, it’s hers. He has his own flat.

Hyperbowl · 28/10/2024 20:33

He’s abusive and his friends are aware you have a baby and that he’s been on all these weekends away, have never met you but are happy to bad mouth you as well? They’re all a bunch of utter losers and all as bad as one another and in their 40s no less. Disgraceful the lot of them. Cut him loose and be free to live your own life as you please without walking on eggshells and being abused in your own home. Be the role model to your child that they need because they won’t find it in their waster father and his friends. Show your child what good boundaries and healthy relationships are. Good luck OP.

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/10/2024 20:33

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2024 19:33

OP, I'm sorry this is happening. It's vital you report any abusive behaviour to the police. You need to start a paper trail. When he's out dump his stuff outside and change the locks. Let him take you to court for contact. Please call Women's Aid who will be able to help. Get a CMS claim in immediately. You sound so beaten down by him. Time to put yourself and your boy first. This twat sounds like he's been to the school of Andrew Tate.

No, don’t lock him out of it’s his home and tempting as it is don’t dispose of his belongings
Mn always chirrups the lock and throw him and his stuff out. It’s not the answer. It’s potentially illegal and it’s provocative
Who name is the house in? Is it joint or sole name. You ? Him, rental or a mortgage?

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/10/2024 20:29

He’s not your partner he’s the lodger who knocked you up and treats you appallingly
I fail to see what you’re actually getting out this relationship other than grief
Hes a ghastly man
You’re the mother of his child and he treats you badly and is setting a poor template for dad and masculinity

Cherrysoup · 28/10/2024 20:09

Violent to you and your child?! Please kick him out of your house, he isn’t paying or adding anything to your life, wtf, get rid! Please, please speak to the domestic violence team of your police station.

wowzelcat · 28/10/2024 20:07

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2024 19:33

OP, I'm sorry this is happening. It's vital you report any abusive behaviour to the police. You need to start a paper trail. When he's out dump his stuff outside and change the locks. Let him take you to court for contact. Please call Women's Aid who will be able to help. Get a CMS claim in immediately. You sound so beaten down by him. Time to put yourself and your boy first. This twat sounds like he's been to the school of Andrew Tate.

Excellent advice.

Askingforafriendtoday · 28/10/2024 20:06

Theoldbird · 24/10/2024 12:49

Please get away from this disgusting pig.

You have a child now. A child who will be watching you very very closely and learning all about relationships and how women should be treated from you two. don't let your child down. Free yourself and go and live a brilliant life with your child.

Edited

And this

wowzelcat · 28/10/2024 20:06

holju · 24/10/2024 14:50

Take legal advice about child contact. You need a family law solicitor.

This. You really need some advice to get this awful man out of your life and see what you need to do about visitation, etc. OP, you will feel, so so so much better when you are away from him. My first partner was vile…we didn’t have children so that made it easier to split, but my emotional state improved leaps and bounds when we were no longer together. Yours will too. Good luck.

BlackToes · 28/10/2024 20:06

He sounds like a stroppy teenager rather then an equal and committed partner. You don’t need the approval of his immature druggie friends. If you’re unhappy make him leave.

BobbyBiscuits · 28/10/2024 20:06

@JoBoJoBo cannabis can exacerbate certain MH issues in some people. It can also alleviate plenty of MH issues in others. It doesn't 'cause' illness that wasn't already there.
If this guy is badly affected then he shouldn't use it. I suspect he is just an utter arse who cares little about being part of the grown up universe.

Askingforafriendtoday · 28/10/2024 20:05

cestlavielife · 24/10/2024 12:48

Stop going round in circles.
Send him to live in his own flat.
Agree child contact arrangements
Live a beautiful life without him

This

yeaitsmeagain · 28/10/2024 19:57

Normally I'd be like "you need to leave"

But the more posts I read, the more I think it's "you need to leave and he needs to be castrated and sent into a wilderness somewhere away from the human race"

StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 19:56

Prove them all right. Be the bitch that kicks him out. You and your baby deserve so much more than this man-child.

Dweetfidilove · 28/10/2024 19:53

Be glad they don't like you, and use it as motivation to end this shitshow once and for all.

Edingril · 28/10/2024 19:52

For gods sakes not another one, piy your child first and get rid

Don't put a man before your child and stop being desperate I can't believe women have to be keep on being told this

5128gap · 28/10/2024 19:51

Oh it's certainly him OP. Even if his friends are making things worse, he chose them and chooses to listen to them and upset you by passing on things they're supposed to have said about you. I read your post thinking he was in his 20s and easily led. But 42?? If this is how he is at 42, then he's only going to go one way from here.

LuluBlakey1 · 28/10/2024 19:46

Why are you with him? He sounds awful and you appear to get nothing positive from this relationship. You have your own home. Get rid of him and do not allow him in your home again.