Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

I don’t think this man will improve and will become worse as he gets older and more miserable. You could carry on like this for another 20 years but do you want to?
It will be difficult to manage on your own with a new baby so I can understand why you are still with him. It’s good that you have your own flat. Find out what financial help you are entitled to as a single mother and try to get a plan in place so you can end things.

He sounds absolutely awful. Thank goodness you never gave him a key to your house and also that other people have witnessed his behaviour.

I would start keeping a diary and write down every future example of controlling, threatening or violent behaviour. It will be useful if anything happens which results in him going to court.

I'd also be careful when you tell him that you are ending the relationship as this can be a trigger for controlling men. Try and have a friend or relative with you.

Sorry if this sounds alarmist but I'm currently reading Control by Jane Monkton Smith and much of what you have posted (eg walking on egg shells) is really resonating.

The book should also be required reading for those judgy posters criticising you for putting up with such a shitty man; they clearly have no understanding of abusive relationships.

Again, why are you putting up with him?

He's abusing you and your son. Pushing a baby's head back so hard they cry? Absolutely not! 😠 Leave him and make sure he has supervised access.

You made a really good decision when you refused to give him a key to your flat. I know he's abusive and frightening but he also doesn't want to have your sson to live with him, that would be far too much work and he's too lazy to even look after himself. Women's Aid would be a good place to start for advice.

Supervised contact may be the way to go. Is he on the child's birth certificate? Please seek legal advice as it sounds like he could use the baby as a pawn to hit back at you for standing up for yourself. Forget about how he acted at the start of the relationship: this is who he is.

A lodger would pay rent, he pays naff all and expects to be waited on hand and foot... what a waster!

He can be adamant all he likes. You don't have to let him see him at all really till you go to court because of the threats to you and he baby. Funny how he can drive to you every day to see him but when it's to come to yours to pick the child up or for the party that's an issue lol. He'll just weasel his way back In

Are you in the UK? If you ate, to make it formal you need to go to court! But just so you know when there's an arrangement in place all it means is you have to make the child available, but he doesn't show up, and there's nothing you can do, you have to let it happen alot, and him to be completly Inconsistent efore it can go back to court, and hell do things like just never tell you if he's coming or not and he'll either show or not and you'll just have to deal with it. It doesn't sound like he's interested in the child, he wants a maid and a free ride. Do not let him stay over. It's half an hour, it's not that much petrol. He wants you to do all the work and get all the benefits. But really don't let him take him untill you've got some legal advice.

Their comments aren't theirs thou, they are his. Because they only know what he has said. He sounds vile. You don't have to put up with anything. Tell him you need a break, he's not to come to the house, if he does you'll call the police. And if he turns up, call the police.

Also I would get a lives with order through the court, if you're in the UK you can get legal aide as its a dv relationship (doesn't have to be physical abuse, can be any) you also don't need to do mediation as it's a dv relationship, let them know there's a risk he might take the child and leave with him and you need a lives with order (child arrangement order) make sure the child is registered everywhere under your name and address, drs, dentist, hv who ever you deal with. And keep receipts of any threats etc, messages.

I'd ask him for the break when he's not in your house so he can't get physical or try and take baby, please becareful, he sounds like a nasty piece of work

These are grown adults were talking about? Right?? They sound like playground kids, my friend said this about you, you cant sit at our table, They have all created this situation themselves by cutting you out and and not "allowing" you in their home. By only hearing one side of the story and once you guys have gotten back together they've not even made the effort then, just made it worse tbh. To then accuse you of taking their friend away lol, my gosh, firstly I would be saying no, I'm not hosting I've got a baby and it's too much, also if they want to get to know you then they should be Inviting you. Not imposing on you. Then slagging you off again behind your back. You're meant to be ok to have them in your home but they won't have you in there's... just no.

But tbh at this point he sounds like a waste of time. You've got a child to think about now and these games are just pathetic, you need to put you and your child first, tell him to leave and go back to his flat, sort out when he can fit his child in to his busy schedule and let him know what he'll be missing out on, if he even cares at all.

You're doing all the work anyways and you'll have a quiet happy life. After 10 years together, a child and you're not living together, I think that says alot. These friends sounds like more hassle than they are worth and I'm sorry but your partner sounds like the biggest man-child.

You deserve better! So does your child!!

@yeaitsmeagain I don't believe it 'causes' psychosis. It can trigger it or exacerbate it in some people. Plenty of people smoke cannabis from a young age and it helps their mental health issues. It's a shame this guy isn't mature enough to realise if something is making your illness worse then you shouldn't do it.

Great postlived experience is powerful
you're a great example of taking that scary leap and it being ok

I feel like I'm reading my own story from 5 years ago. This was my life. Please don't let him see your son, he's using him to get to you. My ex used to complain about me breastfeeding our son and be embarrassed and not hold him when he cried. Wouldn't comfort him. He was a cheater, o found out not from him. The only difference is he wasn't on drugs instead he was a streamer and would put that before his son. He was abusive and gaslit me. The midwifes referred me to womens protection. 5 years later I have an spo on him but he still continues to try say he's changed. He's never bothered going to courts about our son, it was all words to control me. I've let him back in a few times over the years thinking he'd changed but again he was cheating.
I totally understand your heads a mess but I promise you it will feel peaceful once he's out of it. Block on everything vhange number. I've even moved location. I hope you stay strong for your baby boy 💕

The OP’s latest update states that she’s rightly calling women’s aid in the morning. At least read all the updates before commenting, that is basic so you can comment from a place of fact.

When you are isolated and your only or main form of contact is an abuser who always protests their righteousness and how you’re always wrong it can be difficult to connect the dots and realise the real route of the problem. Again, classic manipulation tactic. Mumsnet and forums like it literally offer life changing and sometimes saving support for people who have no one else. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be that alone, without help and to be that vulnerable? Places like Mumsnet give people the opportunity to have a different perspective given to them by people who’s judgement aren’t clouded who speak from a place of experience and wanting to genuinely offer help. People who feel actual empathy for people’s situations. The kind of support a person could otherwise be without. That’s what it’s there for, to help people. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to another adult whose trigger response was to blame and shame a woman for the appalling way she’s being treated.

The OP thinks the problem is the friends. It isn't- the problem is the man. She needs to face up to that.

You're getting some wonderful advice on here from all the fabulous MNetters, well apart from the ones who like to kick you when you're down

I'll not give any more, just that you are worth more than this man and I'm sending some hugs xx

How vile, to kick a woman when she’s clearly in a desperate situation. What is wrong with you? Hindsight is a beautiful thing and part of being in an abusive relationship is being conditioned to believe that being with someone who treats you in the way that the OP is being treated is normal. It’s called manipulation and gaslighting. If you’re not going to recognise the fact that the OP is trying to get herself free from this awful man who makes her life a misery and offer some practical advice and support then simply don’t bother. Educate yourself before making shameless comments and embarrassing yourself on the internet.

It can cause illnesses and issues for people who have smoked in childhood, and he started at 15. Including psychosis and memory loss.

(Aside from the obvious physical illnesses caused by inhaling anything that isn't air ofc).

OP you need to seek legal advice and look at getting an emergency court order against him to stop him from taking the baby and especially taking them and leaving the country. Is he on the birth certificate? Do not leave out any information about his abusive tendencies or his threats to kidnap the baby and parentally alienate him from you. He is not a safe parent and isn’t acting on the best interest of his child.

Yes

This is not a healthy relationship. You have a baby - you don't need a 42 year old child as well. You will be a happier mother without him. You deserve better.

100 % him. The friends are irrelevant.

Ooh and also I would be tempted to meet his friends for dinner and be the ‘perfect’ sweetest partner for the evening, just to leave them stumped that the image they’ve been told of you doesn’t match