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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is unreasonable, Mil or Ds?

139 replies

Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 09:19

So Mil is having DS 11 over. I left some revision for him to do for school. Not something that will be handed in to school, just answering questions to show me so I can see if he's got it or needs more revision. Well, he called me crying telling me to please come and get him because grandma is telling him his writing is awful. Talked to grandma and told her that btw us I didn't care about his writing, just about the facts since it's not a paper to turn in, it's just for me. Also, to no dripfeed, he has always struggled with handwriting but has learnt to write correctly, if not beautifully, so it's something he's quite sensitive about apart from him being a sensitive child.

Mil is angry and says that we indulge him too much and he needs to hear that his handwriting is bad. And in any case he has not to lock himself in the barhroom and call me, it's really rude.
I agree to a certain extent with her but I do think her comment was unnecessary and hurtful. She's not involved with his homework (doesn't know the subject) so if someone should say something it's me. Then again he's overreacting. That's how I feel, would like to hear fellow mums' perspectives..

OP posts:
CosyLemur · 28/10/2024 07:57

You're in the wrong here! He struggles with his handwriting yet when he's doing things for you, you don't care about his handwriting - that's not going to help him make his writing any neater.
If he's revising he needs to be revising everything including letter formation.

Also don't send him with work to do if you don't want it commented on!

Maray1967 · 24/10/2024 20:19

SeaToSki · 24/10/2024 12:11

If she insisted on saying over and over to him that his handwriting was bad, then MIL is unreasonable and cruel. She is not his teacher, his parent or a judge. IMHO grandparents job is unconditional love with a bit of spoiling thrown in, and if he was staying at MIL for a few nights, then she should keep it fun and happy…not be criticising and upsetting him.

I am assuming that if she was having him for a few nights, that they know each other quite well and she would know he is a sensitive sort..which makes it worse that she made multiple critical comments to him.

Yes, I agree with this - a fuller explanation of what I was trying to say. This is just not how DGPs should behave, surely.

CautiousLurker1 · 24/10/2024 18:58

Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 11:45

Haha oh yes. Extremely sensitive but also extremely empathetic and kind.

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He sounds adorable and just what the next generation of males need - and whilst I might have commented above that sending him to grandma with homework wasn’t wise, as a parent I’ve made lots of well-intentioned misjudgements… usually involving assuming other people will mind their own flipping business. I hope he’s home and you’ve been able to give him a hug.

Let him know that lots of very clever, very successful people have messy writing. From Einstein to most doctors, to my husband and his colleagues (all directors in a FTSE100 company). So long as people can read it, it’s fine. If he struggles with writing with speed, you can look into computer aids for exams later on.

Keiththecatwithamagichat · 24/10/2024 16:21

He does sound sensitive about the handwriting, BUT I wouldn't make my child apologise for calling me upset, ever.

Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 15:57

phoenixrosehere · 24/10/2024 14:49

YANBU

I swear some posters act as if 30 minutes of homework a day is akin to torture and that a child can’t do a bit of homework and go outside while off of school.

Some children need that bit of structure even during the school holidays. My middle sounds like your son OP. He younger than yours but is also a sweet, sensitive soul and needs an extra push when it comes to school and is still learning to be more resilient. He hates being told off and will fight tears when he feels/thinks someone is upset with him.

MIL didn’t need to comment or insert herself so she was being rude. She’s could have left him to do and finish his bit of work.

If she had, this whole situation wouldn’t have likely happened.

It is not necessary to comment or give an opinion when not asked.

Thank you.
I don't think I push my children too hard. In a weeks time he will have three tests and I rather we do a little every day than panicking the week-end before (he's the one who panics when not prepared) to minimise stress but also because learning is a process and for it to stick (not just for a test) you need to revise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 15:54

Harrysmummy246 · 24/10/2024 14:51

Why on earth would you send work that she knows nothing about never mind open him up to this criticism

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Fifth time: did not send work for Mil to supervise or help with. Only stuff he could do by himself. Mil went and had a look and commented.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 15:52

ManhattanPopcorn · 24/10/2024 15:04

Why on earth are you assigning homework for Grandma to over see?

You created this issue yourself.

I think it's the fourth time I answered this question but ok; Grandma is not involved in his homework at all. He does it by himself (I give him only revision that we have done together so I know he's capable or should be capable to do it without any help). Until know we never had a problem, I look through what he's done and see if there is some further explaining to do. Grandma is not supposed to do anything but she had a look when he was writing and told him it looked awful. She will not do that anymore. They have made peace and everything is fine now.

OP posts:
ManhattanPopcorn · 24/10/2024 15:04

Why on earth are you assigning homework for Grandma to over see?

You created this issue yourself.

FloofPaws · 24/10/2024 14:59

My DH and DS12 are both dyslexic with terrible writing, absolutely dreadful!! They both work so hard but it's always shocking. Both have ADHD too and sometimes they overreact especially where they can't help it and get emotional dysregulation - granny should concentrate on positives, he knows already his writing isn't great, fine motor skills will help as he ages

Harrysmummy246 · 24/10/2024 14:51

Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 09:19

So Mil is having DS 11 over. I left some revision for him to do for school. Not something that will be handed in to school, just answering questions to show me so I can see if he's got it or needs more revision. Well, he called me crying telling me to please come and get him because grandma is telling him his writing is awful. Talked to grandma and told her that btw us I didn't care about his writing, just about the facts since it's not a paper to turn in, it's just for me. Also, to no dripfeed, he has always struggled with handwriting but has learnt to write correctly, if not beautifully, so it's something he's quite sensitive about apart from him being a sensitive child.

Mil is angry and says that we indulge him too much and he needs to hear that his handwriting is bad. And in any case he has not to lock himself in the barhroom and call me, it's really rude.
I agree to a certain extent with her but I do think her comment was unnecessary and hurtful. She's not involved with his homework (doesn't know the subject) so if someone should say something it's me. Then again he's overreacting. That's how I feel, would like to hear fellow mums' perspectives..

Why on earth would you send work that she knows nothing about never mind open him up to this criticism

phoenixrosehere · 24/10/2024 14:49

YANBU

I swear some posters act as if 30 minutes of homework a day is akin to torture and that a child can’t do a bit of homework and go outside while off of school.

Some children need that bit of structure even during the school holidays. My middle sounds like your son OP. He younger than yours but is also a sweet, sensitive soul and needs an extra push when it comes to school and is still learning to be more resilient. He hates being told off and will fight tears when he feels/thinks someone is upset with him.

MIL didn’t need to comment or insert herself so she was being rude. She’s could have left him to do and finish his bit of work.

If she had, this whole situation wouldn’t have likely happened.

It is not necessary to comment or give an opinion when not asked.

Moreteaandchocolate · 24/10/2024 14:37

I think your MIL is wrong - I wouldn’t leave her to supervise homework in the future.

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 24/10/2024 14:37

God forbid a parent actually does something to support their Child’s education. Clearly we are the dicks, OP, because I will be doing too.

But then I’m an ex teacher who knows that the learning that takes place in school is the absolute minimum that a child needs to do to ‘get’ something ... And that it’s not enough for some kids.

MiraculousLadybug · 24/10/2024 14:31

@jannier she's already answered all of that.

jannier · 24/10/2024 14:27

Why are you sending him to granny's with extra work? Isn't it enough he's at school 38 weeks a year plus homework without making him do extra on his holidays? Have school said he's behind? What's the revision for?

Wdththtm · 24/10/2024 14:21

I’m team DS. I agree with others it was a bit much of you to send him with work that didn’t necessarily need doing, and it must have been doubly annoying for him when his Gran criticised his writing when he struggles with it anyway. He should have been able to express that to you as you are his safe space. If you berate him for it he won’t tell you things in future and if his Gran criticises him in the long run he won’t think of her fondly.

Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 14:20

Thank you all for your sharing your thoughts. I will talk to grandma and tell her to please do not interfer with his homework because she doesn't know what he's supposed to do and it will only lead to arguments. As for my son he needs to learn resilience in general but that is perhaps for another thread. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 14:17

Moveoverdarlin · 24/10/2024 13:04

I just wouldn’t have sent him with school work to do. Generational differences were bound to surface. Give him a night off. Homework and revision is a sore point for a lot of kids and often ends up in rows / tears, unfair to burden granny with it.

I know this. That's why Mil is not involved in his homework. So far things have gone smoothly but today she decided to have a look and comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 14:14

Whalewatching · 24/10/2024 13:02

Honestly @Maria1979- I’d be inclined to forget the small details of who did what to whom and look at the big picture. The main thing is that Granny doesn’t ruin her good relationship with DS by being harsh and shitty. DS need to realise that locking himself in the bathroom and ringing mum is not going to fill Granny with joy and love.
I would gently and diplomatically point out each them, and then not leave DS with homework to do at Granny’s, or if he has to, tell her for the sake of harmony not to criticise. It’s yours and his teachers job to parent and teach. Granny shouldn’t compromise her relationship with DS over this. Tell them to go back to just enjoying spending time together.

Thank you. I will follow this advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 14:09

Apolloneuro · 24/10/2024 12:46

Is this additional work to his school homework? Eugh. Should be out in the fresh air getting some exercise, not doing extra work.

This reaction is indicative of him feeling very stressed, if you ask me. Lay off the poor boy.

Edited

It's school work. It took him 15 minutes. He tends to get stressed so I prefer for him to do a little bit every day rather than having large chunks at one go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 14:07

SummerSnowstorm · 24/10/2024 12:04

Her just saying "can you try to do your writing neater" would be fine, but the whole needing to hear its "bad" and that you indulge him shows a completely different attitude.

Does he generally enjoy seeing her alone/is it essential that he does for childcare reasons or can you do more family meet ups in future?

Otherwise if things like this keep happening he's not likely to have much relationship with her longer term.

She sometimes comes across a bit blunt but her heart is in the right place. And yes, he wants to go there to get away from his autistic brother for a bit.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 24/10/2024 14:06

Tourmalines · 24/10/2024 09:42

I think grandmother is right .

Possibly, depending on how she put it.
An 11 year old shouldn't be behaving like that though unless she was so nasty she terrified him. My Mum was generally lovely but could be caustic at times so my DC had to have a certain level of toughness to survive her (I wouldn't have tolerated anything too awful) Resilience is a good lesson
And there was really no need for your son to be doing homework at his Grandmas either unless there was a really good reason

Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 14:04

FSI2024 · 24/10/2024 11:06

I remember seeing a video of a teacher asking Year 1s when you should say something about another person, and when not.

Her rule was "can it be fixed in 60 seconds".

If you say "you have a big spot on your face" can the other person do anything in 60 seconds? No - so dont say anything

If you say "you have jam on your face" can it be fixed in 60 seconds? Yes - so that is fine.

Can your DS change his writing in 60 seconds? No - so it was not her place to say anything. What on earth did she hope to achieve???

If DS reacted that way though - it appears either he wants help as is conscious about it, or he needs to learn resilience.

He absolutely needs to learn resilience because he takes things to heart to easily. Do you have any suggestions? I have tried respiration excercices and mental images to no good...

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria1979 · 24/10/2024 14:02

FuzzyGoblin · 24/10/2024 12:35

I think you are the unreasonable one for not clearly setting the expectations and way of working. If you delegate a parenting task to someone, you have to expect them to do it their way unless you say otherwise. Sounds like your MIL and DS are experiencing the fallout of your failure to do this.

No parenting task delegated. DS is supposed to work on his own which he always does. I don't want to bother Mil. Please read before commenting.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 24/10/2024 13:04

I just wouldn’t have sent him with school work to do. Generational differences were bound to surface. Give him a night off. Homework and revision is a sore point for a lot of kids and often ends up in rows / tears, unfair to burden granny with it.