To think some people try really hard to appear 'chaotic' ?

Im probably one of these people. I always get it done because it’s important to my children and my family, but it takes a lot from me so I always feel flustered and life feels chaotic… despite me always getting it done.

So the kid arriving 4 minutes late and fine, she was probably aiming to get there in time and was rushing so it felt chaotic. The house is probably clean and tidy but not to her standards so feels inadequate. She always turns up at the event but books late and probably feels that everyone booked on sooner which acted as a reminder.

I don’t overplay it, I just feel it and so verbalise it. I’m ADHD and work hard to be organised, but it’s still a disorganised kind of organised.

@Iminpatchinghell

You can say I take offence, but I just get tired of it. It’s feel passive aggressive. I don’t comment on other people being ‘disorganised’ or not a good cook.

But calling someone disorganised or not a good cook is a criticism.

You can't possibly compare that with calling someone organised or a good cook!

But it's not a crime to be organised or have it all together and these constant comparisons just feel passive aggressive.

I get exactly the same and when people compliment me it just comes across as if they are accusing me of being decadent because I managed to carve out 10 mins to do my hair and they could just never because blah blah blah.

It just comes across as them wanting to make sure we know we're being indulgent because your life being so chaotic you can't even brush your hair is apparently normal.

No, what I meant is that she IS very organised and entirely on top of everything when it comes to her job and family, yet she lets other people down and claims it's because she's so forgetful and chaotic.

Maybe if we just stopped judging women whatever they do being it being too perfect/together, not organised enough etc no one would feel the need to put on a show, or no one would notice if they did and things would be a lot more straightforward…

Ive also noticed how tense people get when you insist on not being frazzled or busy, or even plan your life with rest breaks. They feel short changed by Zen like calm and challenge you to duels....so,what do you do all day etc

They're saying you're good at it, much better than them. Sorry but I fail to see how it isn't just a straightforward compliment.

I have a hectic job and often people say "wow, I could never do that, very impressive" or similar such things. Personally I think pretty much anyone could do my job with the right training and a lot of people sell themselves short. But just because their words carry a comparison, they're still clearly trying to give a compliment. Why try to turn it into something else instead of just accept as intended?

I also love cooking, and the idea of being offended when people say my food is delicious is mystifying, in fact it fills me with joy. I don't understand why you would choose to spend your time feeling negative about an interaction you could be feeling positive about.

I think people like to upsell how busy their lives are, and making out they are in a rush and have so much to do, is a public display of how active their lives are. A big fear of anyone thinking their lives are easy. People want credit and sympathy for how much effort they put in - and maybe some offers of help extra too.

I’m the opposite, project sensible and together but I think people would be shocked to see the state of my house / brain / finances some days of the month.

It’s a form of humble bragging-look how wonderful I am even when I’m disorganised.

4 children and a term time job, I think she has every reason to be frazzled tbh!! Obviously the money thing etc not okay.

Definitely. I'm not British and was slightly amazed when I came here to see this as a "thing" because people would seem frazzled and disorganised (always with a self-deprecating laugh!) but then on closer inspection would have quite a responsible job, an organised home and always had the right cash to buy the raffle tickets in the playground or the correct things packed for the school trip. 👀

Same! I have ADHD and life is a battle when it comes to being on time and remembering appointments. I can just about hold it together professionally but it's like that pushes everything else out of my head. My house is clean and I do just about manage to get my kids to everything (mainly because they remind me) though. I might come across as one of those performatively chaotic people, but it's not really performative at all!

I mean, in my case it's just ADHD. I've never met anyone who finds it "cute".

Haha relate to “My chaos trails behind me without my consent.” I embody the frazzled English woman so well that I am having other mums offer to take my children to school left right and centre so that I am not late, and the head mistress sending me pointed messages about not missing parents evening etc. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to purposely give off a chaotic vibe!

This is such an interesting thread. I'm guilty of some of it, being naturally disorganised and getting very flustered by all the stuff I haven't done "in comparison with others", and then trying to make that a lovable quality...
but the truth is I am often bemused by people who go on about how busy and frazzled they are. Surely a lot of things are a choice...even the decision to take your children to activities...or live far from school or have a dog or do a very stimulating demanding well paid job or get your house renovated...I'm not talking baseline demands but putting enormous pressure on the family unit or the individual and then trying to demand sympathy for those situations?

Conversely I remember once talking to s very old friend about housework and her saying in a way that rather chilled me..".oh I wouldn't like to have an untidy house, I like to run a tight ship. " It seemed like bragging.

The British don't like people boasting about positive things..they like self depreciation.

Absolutely this, every word - I hear you Delores.

The chaos is internal, my head is never quiet.
It takes all my efforts not to be a flake.

And allegedly this is a 'fake aesthetic' for look at me purposes?

Christ I wish it were.

I'm competent and organised but sometimes downplay this to avoid having to deal with people saying how organised I am, and telling me how chaotic and rubbish they are in comparison. There's sometimes a bitchy undertone and I never know what to say to them!

Whereas for most of us "kids stuff, laundry, tidy, homework is the epitome of a quiet weekend". A busy weekend being a weekend away or a wedding, a christening and a grandparents 80th birthday party.

To add I am both those people. I turned up at the dentist recently having panicked at the traffic for an hour. Had a tablespoon of fuel in the tank. Had forgotten my glasses so couldn’t fill out the forms properly and was sweating profusely in the waiting room due to my panic and wearing the wrong clothes for the weather.

I am also the person who can knock up a medieval fortress out of lolly sticks, remember non uniform days, have kids who look immaculate and organise my schedule so we are never late.

I am both completely flaky and well organised. I’m just always doing it by the skin of my teeth.

Yeah I relate to this. There's a lot of parenting social conversations where you can't be honest because it would fuck everyone off.

"Actually i found breastfeeding really easy and I enjoy supporting my child doing their maths homework." You just have to nod and smile and look like you relate.

Depreciating not deprecating

I think people downplay how hard they work. Ive seen it a lot ‘oh excuse the mess’ when they house is absolutely immaculate. I am
not that person- when in apologising, the house probably is a mess. It’s the same as when kids come out of a test and say it was ok but really they knew they aced it.

I am supremely organised in some aspects of life but can still seem a bit stressed. I’ve got a colour coded chart for every weekend between now and Christmas so I know exactly what we’re and won’t forget anything but there is still a good chance I’ll appear frazzled as our lives just seem busy and full on.

I think there's a difference between people who are genuinely this self deprecating, whether they are organised in life or not, and those who want to come across this way to seem quirky and unconventional.

Do you think those people might be social masking? Like they know that’s the right thing to say to fit in but they also know they are actually very motivated and organised. Reminds me a bit of the models who you see eating pizza online but behind the scenes they’ve chain smoked and drunk a thousand coffees a week before that.