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Original poster

Not to go to my husband’s friend’s 40th birthday staycation? Trip is paid for me and his mum extra hotel room

182 replies

MumDaisy1980 · 23/10/2024 22:13

It’s me again! (For those who have been following the Las Vegas thread, ha)

it’s mid week and husband and I are not in a good state. We had a fight. We have a 6 month old baby.

this Saturday meant to go to this couple staycation for his mate 40th . I never said yes to it but the organiser need firm number so my husband just sign both us up. In terms of childcare, he is paying his mum to come along. So we will be going for dinner and mil to look after baby for few hours.

I have no mood to pack as in I am the one packing for the baby also. It is pretty by default kind of act.

my concern is if we not resolved for this small fight, I donno if I should go or not. Though bigger picture is as a wife I see this is important to him , this is like his best mate , so i would want to go for the sake of support him. It’s like a one off event. But deep inside and I am being short sighted I don’t want to go. I feel like he had not taken my feelings into account. Besides it’s bizzare his mate wife organise another pre drink tomorrow and my husband did say will got for a quick one (before we had a fight - I already told him I don’t think it’s good idea for him to go and he asked me why!!!)

on the other hand , becoz MIL is coming so if I don’t go - this May then spiral to MiL as in to find out why I don’t go. Or she may contact me to ‘care’ about me. At this stage I really don’t want anyone else to step into the matter between husband and me. The thought of all these I feel very heavy. I got a headache.

if I pretend everything is fine, in fact it’s not. Then I guarantee I will cry in the weekend and look super embarrassed!!

asking out loud - what should I do??? :’(

OP posts:
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Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 02/11/2024 23:01

5128gap · 02/11/2024 21:27

Its a very stressful time when children are young. Made worse if you feel unloved and unsupported. Do you talk properly? Tell him you what would help you? Because you sound as though you say nothing, say nothing...then all the frustration spills out. Like today, could you not have said either 'you shop while I get my nails done then we'll go home together?' Or 'it makes no sense me coming back from my nails when the shops next door, meet me there' rather than go along with him and boil up? Do you speak your needs to him?

Thank you. @5128gap that’s exactly what I suggested calmly. I initiated a chat after baby fell asleep. With the aim to repair our relationship.

And the conclusion is that I have the problem. He thinks what we agreed were unfair on him - for example he come back home from work and pick up on the baby care. But since baby give birth he hasn’t done one day of night shift and he said when he is at work I am not working. Anyway the whole conversation he said I am one sided and he had no problem. I need to fix my own problem.

its sad we not going anywhere.

I said he need to go learn how to maintain marriage relationship and he said I need to go.

OP posts:
ImNoSuperman · 02/11/2024 22:01

MumDaisy1980 · 02/11/2024 20:53

thanks @5128gap leaving him is like my least prefer solution.

You are constantly fighting. You are constantly coming here moaning but sayinv you don't want to leave. This is a terrible situation for your baby to be in. Get a divorce or put up with the situation you created.

5128gap · 02/11/2024 21:27

Its a very stressful time when children are young. Made worse if you feel unloved and unsupported. Do you talk properly? Tell him you what would help you? Because you sound as though you say nothing, say nothing...then all the frustration spills out. Like today, could you not have said either 'you shop while I get my nails done then we'll go home together?' Or 'it makes no sense me coming back from my nails when the shops next door, meet me there' rather than go along with him and boil up? Do you speak your needs to him?

bridgetreilly · 02/11/2024 21:12

lololulu · 24/10/2024 06:47

@PeloMom

You do book a hotel and travel on a staycation but only in your own country.

That is a normal vacation, not a staycation.

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 02/11/2024 21:09

Thanks @5128gap the baby is only 7 month old and seems too soon to draw conclusion about separation. But when the arguments happening every other day is really not feeling any love in the relationship.

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/11/2024 20:56

MumDaisy1980 · 02/11/2024 20:53

thanks @5128gap leaving him is like my least prefer solution.

I know. But it's always good to know it's an option if you have to. Because you're clearly very frustrated and unhappy and if he isn't willing or able to change, sometimes that's all there is.

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 02/11/2024 20:53

thanks @5128gap leaving him is like my least prefer solution.

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/11/2024 20:26

Are you able to leave him OP? Do you have family living here? Do you have work and are you able to support yourself without him?

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 02/11/2024 19:09

Grhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i don’t understand

if you bother to read, read on.

today we said go grocery together (and I already don’t want to do grocery because I have been doing grocery all week and today technically it’s my day off)

he said after I done my nails (but my nail is right next to the supermarket ) I come back home then go together. When I back, he just lie on the sofa same position as when I left home. I said I am ready when to go, irs 5.30pm already and we have no food for today dinner . Then he said asap. 20mins later I asked again he said the same. So I just back to my room, he then started getting ready (without getting baby ready - which I told him to do that) . He continued to get out the door and drive off. I opened the door then he reversed and parked outside the home. Just staying that. I asked if he is going by himself. He just stayed in the car. Then I got really angry - he couldn’t even let me know he is ready and we go together?
so I stormed out the home and didn’t get into his car, he then called me ask where am I going. He just circling say we said we go grocery together. But obviously he didn’t behave that way - it’s only I caught him when he driving off then he reverse.

it’s like 7pm and I am starving . He said will do dinner tonight and I see no food.

i said meet him in supermarket then he just muted on the phone so I don’t know what he wants. Can’t even make normal conversation.

I decided to leave him alone as I’ve been waited for him and why have to run to his timeline.

OP posts:
TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 02/11/2024 02:06

DeireadhFomhair · 01/11/2024 18:44

Thank you! I've thought the same for days now but couldn't be bothered to weigh in - but your post made me laugh, because I completely get your frustration.

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Honestly some people just have main character syndrome, taking away from this poor lady trying to get help.

DeireadhFomhair · 01/11/2024 18:44

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 01/11/2024 16:55

SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING STAYCATION. START YOUR OWN THREAD. PLEASE.

Thank you! I've thought the same for days now but couldn't be bothered to weigh in - but your post made me laugh, because I completely get your frustration.

5128gap · 01/11/2024 17:01

If you don't want it to spiral then you'll either have to go or make a convincing excuse not to such as illness. Because if you refuse over the 'small argument' you will be seen as having unreasonablely escalated it in order to spoil it for him. I didn't see your other thread, so you may be at the point when you don't care what he thinks or says anymore. If you are, and the relationship is as good as done, then don't go.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 01/11/2024 16:55

SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING STAYCATION. START YOUR OWN THREAD. PLEASE.

Alwaytired44 · 01/11/2024 15:15

SwingTheMonkey · 23/10/2024 23:08

Apparently it’s when you stay at home and go for days out. Quite why the incorrect use of this word elicits so much ire is beyond me!

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That’s not my understanding of a staycation. To me a staycation is where you go on holiday in your own country!

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 30/10/2024 02:07

ImNoSuperman · 29/10/2024 23:55

@MumDaisy1980 Just get a divorce. You claimed reconciliation at 20:24 an hour later you'd been fighting because he had done something to annoy you in the morning so you started a fight. You weren't reconciled at all. He wasn't home for you to fight.

Why are you spending so much energy trying to get him to do what it is you want? He isn't going to, even if he says he will. Divorce him before you go completely insane with all the endless arguments that get you nowhere.

Yes indeed . Early eve was OK. Then when asked about why he didn’t do the things in the morning he couldn’t really give a solid answer. Other than he was being selfish to prioritise his early swim over taking care his wife and baby - and not even a big ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 30/10/2024 02:05

PeloMom · 29/10/2024 23:20

Your husband or whatever he is (I’m trying to avoid calling him a waste of space) is something else! He managed 1 days to stick to the agreement you made with very basic duties and on the second day he already forgot that… what? …he has responsibilities? Sounds like you and the baby are not on his priorities list. Not sure if you’re on the options one either.

yes it’s very bizzare he stood by his point that he forgot. And it’s is possible to forget.

I said how come he wouldn’t forget to go to work. Obviously he didn’t prioritise us. He just talked over me by that point. He said I lied , rude and selfish. But they are more description about him.

OP posts:
ImNoSuperman · 29/10/2024 23:55

@MumDaisy1980 Just get a divorce. You claimed reconciliation at 20:24 an hour later you'd been fighting because he had done something to annoy you in the morning so you started a fight. You weren't reconciled at all. He wasn't home for you to fight.

Why are you spending so much energy trying to get him to do what it is you want? He isn't going to, even if he says he will. Divorce him before you go completely insane with all the endless arguments that get you nowhere.

PeloMom · 29/10/2024 23:20

Your husband or whatever he is (I’m trying to avoid calling him a waste of space) is something else! He managed 1 days to stick to the agreement you made with very basic duties and on the second day he already forgot that… what? …he has responsibilities? Sounds like you and the baby are not on his priorities list. Not sure if you’re on the options one either.

Skybluecoat · 29/10/2024 21:59

YellowphantGrey · 24/10/2024 08:24

A holiday in the UK if you live in the UK is not "technically abroad"

A holiday away from home in the country you live is a domestic holiday

A holiday where you leave the country you live is a foreign holiday

A holiday where you stay at home at go for days out is a staycation

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Absolutely correct <<gavel>>

Bogginsthe3rd · 29/10/2024 21:53

MumDaisy1980 · 24/10/2024 08:05

My staycation I meant we drive one hour away and stay in hotel for the weekend. All couples meet up for the evening meal + activity.

it had cost us £600 as a couple. Not counting the hotel room for us + his mum stay.

That's fine but you didn't mean staycation then.

Bogginsthe3rd · 29/10/2024 21:50

Thisisntme1 · 24/10/2024 06:02

I thought a staycation was where you stay in accommodation in your home town and sight see as if you are travelling

In which case you thought wrong

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 29/10/2024 21:41

GreenFields07 · 29/10/2024 20:41

I think you would probably benefit from both couples counselling and solo. It sounds like you need a safe space to vent, gain some clarity on how you truly feel in this relationship from a professional. I don't think your DH really cares for your feelings, there's no way my DH would've left me on my own for a few days with a newborn. Id have been furious with him if he didn't even acknowledge how difficult I was finding it and try to help me any way that he could. I appreciate some trips are unavoidable but he sounds really selfish. But it does also sound like you're prone to overreacting and probably struggling more because you're tired and overwhelmed. I completely understand how difficult a new baby is, I had two of them and a toddler. It wont always be so hard, and your relationship might survive this rough patch. But long term is this man really who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Im not sure how many threads you've started but it just doesn't look good from here. I hope things get easier for you soon.

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Thank you so so much. Indeed he doesn’t care my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 29/10/2024 21:25

NalafromtheLionKing · 28/10/2024 21:02

Don’t worry, no-one is saying a UK holiday doesn’t count by using the word staycation (https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/staycation#:~:text=A%20staycation%20is%20a%20holiday,%5Binformal%5D)

OP, you are exhausted with a young baby and DH has been selfish. But you should try harder to rise above things as all these petty arguments and grudges are really hurting your marriage and there may soon be nothing left to salvage.

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Thank you. how to rise above the petty argument?

tonight we had a fight again, even I don’t want to have a fight. We had agreed what he should be doing in the mornings - simple as just make any food (for me) then change baby nappy. Today he just dash off the door without even said goodbye. This eve then he said he went for an early swim. I couldn’t understand how he could do that when we agreed already who should do what . He first said he made on Monday (so does it mean not need to make food again?) then later he said he forgot. I have been calmed and try to understand why he would do that other than not taking my words seriously. And he just did not think about the morning. That’s what he said. He then later on said I am selfish for making him look bad. I said the fact is he did not do what he said he would do. And he just came back for it’s just one day. As on the one day doesn’t matter.

very disappointing.

OP posts:
GreenFields07 · 29/10/2024 20:41

MumDaisy1980 · 29/10/2024 20:24

Thank you.
erm husband and I at the moment reconciled. He did suggested me to go counselling. But I responded that he should go counselling, when he didn’t pull his weight.
at the moment i am paying personal trainer to balance my well being and will observe for a couple of months .

Show quote history

I think you would probably benefit from both couples counselling and solo. It sounds like you need a safe space to vent, gain some clarity on how you truly feel in this relationship from a professional. I don't think your DH really cares for your feelings, there's no way my DH would've left me on my own for a few days with a newborn. Id have been furious with him if he didn't even acknowledge how difficult I was finding it and try to help me any way that he could. I appreciate some trips are unavoidable but he sounds really selfish. But it does also sound like you're prone to overreacting and probably struggling more because you're tired and overwhelmed. I completely understand how difficult a new baby is, I had two of them and a toddler. It wont always be so hard, and your relationship might survive this rough patch. But long term is this man really who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Im not sure how many threads you've started but it just doesn't look good from here. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 29/10/2024 20:24

GreenFields07 · 28/10/2024 20:51

OP I read one of your others threads, I think the Vegas one? I do agree your DH is very selfish in the sense that hes taking far too many vacations when you have a new baby and you clearly aren't handling this very well. Have you thought about speaking to your GP? It sounds like you're struggling with post partum life, you're overreacting about certain situations, you're overly tired. I had twins and I dont remember complaining so much. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but on your other post the thing I took most from it was how your DH was away for a few days and you weren't handling it very well on your own. Honestly it doesnt seem like you're very happy, you're holding grudges over a silly little argument. Maybe look at some counselling because it does all sound like you're at breaking point here. I personally think you would both be much happier apart.

Thank you.
erm husband and I at the moment reconciled. He did suggested me to go counselling. But I responded that he should go counselling, when he didn’t pull his weight.
at the moment i am paying personal trainer to balance my well being and will observe for a couple of months .

OP posts: