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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told mum that DSIS was being entitled. She told me I’m wrong. AIBU?

108 replies

Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 18:49

Much younger sister (she’s 23) wants to be a lawyer. My husband’s brother is a super successful lawyer (big job) so I said that I’d set up a call and he could talk to her about breaking into the industry. They’ve only met once before, but he said he was happy to help.

Great. So the phone call was arranged, but DH’s brother forgot about the call, rearranged and then wasn’t very helpful when it happened.

Anyway that was three months ago and my mother and DSIS are still annoyed about it. My mother brings it up every time we speak as though my BIL should have offered her an internship or a job.

Today, I got fed up, and said that DSIS was being entitled and that nobody owes her a job, and my mother said I was talking DH’s brother’s side. Now we’re not talking.

Anyway, I don’t even particularly like my DH’s brother. He’s fine, but don’t care either way about him.

Now I feel like I am being the unreasonable one for not joining my mother and sister in being annoyed at BIL.

Who’s in the wrong here? I’m happy to hear that I am! But my mother is a bit enmeshed with my sister so I’m never sure.

OP posts:
VirginiaGirl · 23/10/2024 19:28

This is what happens when you try to help people. It doesn’t really sound as though your BIL wanted to help and did it begrudgingly for you/his brother. Your mum and sister need to get over it. You promised nothing but a phone call.

Original poster
Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:27

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 23/10/2024 19:24

what is DSIS

Sister - dear sis. But I may have got that acronym totally wrong!

OP posts:
MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 23/10/2024 19:26

I studied in law department, though do not practice it
my cousin migrated to Germany and studied law and started as a secretary in law firm with no contacts, being shy also, not outgoing, nothing. Still works there and might have actually progressed onto real projects

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/10/2024 19:25

They shouldn't keep going on about it, but I can understand your sister being disappointed. It sounds as if your brother in law basically couldn't be arsed and probably was quite guarded to make clear he wasn't going to offer any practical help.

I've been on the receiving end of that before, where someone enthusiastically volunteers help from a relative or friend who, when I spoke to them, made clear they had better things to do than waste their time speaking to me. And fair enough, I've been in their position too! But what I learned is, if you don't want to help, say so to the person volunteering your help, and don't have a grudging conversation with someone who has been told you can help them.

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 23/10/2024 19:24

what is DSIS

Mumsgirls · 23/10/2024 19:21

Wish I could be as naive as some on here.Of course nepotism is rife in the law and family get the best chances. However, sister of sil won’t cut it. Due to lack of connections, my neice had to do it the hard way, self funded through night school for degree conversion and law exams. After all that a training contract and this summer finally became a solicitor. Where there’s a will there’s a way if she wants it enough.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 23/10/2024 19:20

SwingTheMonkey · 23/10/2024 19:16

You’d think the sister would be well aware of this, having done an LLM?

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The students should have been prepped for how difficult it is out there.

She needs to lower her sights and build up a solid work history. But that's not your problem OP. She's 23, she needs to to learn on her own. You were good enough to set up the call, your sister and mother are both being ridiculous.

Potentiallyplausible · 23/10/2024 19:18

Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:13

Yes and she won’t just go anywhere, she has set her sights very high.

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So, I assume she has a first-class degree from a top university?

SwingTheMonkey · 23/10/2024 19:16

SophiaJ8 · 23/10/2024 19:14

This is stupid. The top firms have their choice of candidates, and they aren’t ones with empty CV’s.

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You’d think the sister would be well aware of this, having done an LLM?

SophiaJ8 · 23/10/2024 19:14

Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:13

Yes and she won’t just go anywhere, she has set her sights very high.

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This is stupid. The top firms have their choice of candidates, and they aren’t ones with empty CV’s.

Original poster
Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:13

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 23/10/2024 19:10

You're not wrong here.

I'm assuming your sister has an undergraduate degree in law? Is she struggling to find a place for the work experience part to fully qualify? The reality is, law is pretty oversubscribed and has been for years.

Yes and she won’t just go anywhere, she has set her sights very high.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:12

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 23/10/2024 19:03

Your sister’s expectations were unreasonable.

Did you hype the BIL up in some way so she got the impression he could offer tangible assistance? Or did get imagination run away with her?

Tell your mum and sister you did what you could to put sister in contact with someone in the industry for a chat. That’s all you can do, and you’d like them to acknowledge your effort on her behalf. Beyond that, there’s nothing you can say.

Yes I think I did hype him up! Said he’d definitely help her - I was wrong and I did apologise about that but they’re not over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:10

wafflesmgee · 23/10/2024 18:54

I think the bigger issue is that you all stop talking to each other over relatively minor things...bot a very grown up approach to conflict.
I don't think yabu but think communication in your family is a bigger issue

Yeah I agree with this. My mother and I will speak again, but she got very annoyed with me for saying that and ended the call.

In a few weeks, we’ll speak again and if I don’t mention it, we’ll be fine.

I think I’m easily irritated by her and my sister’s relationship. I was 16 when she was born and my mother’s relationship with my sister is not like hers and mine. My sister is my mother’s entire life and any small thing that happens to her affects my mother big time.

OP posts:
AmICrazyToEvenBother · 23/10/2024 19:10

You're not wrong here.

I'm assuming your sister has an undergraduate degree in law? Is she struggling to find a place for the work experience part to fully qualify? The reality is, law is pretty oversubscribed and has been for years.

LoveWine123 · 23/10/2024 19:09

What were they expecting him to do for her? What kind of help were they thinking they will get?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 23/10/2024 19:07

Families!!!
Ignore them.

Original poster
Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:07

TTPDTS · 23/10/2024 19:00

I mean what has your sister done in the past 3 months to advance her dreams? Is she seeking her own connections? Applying for jobs? Courses? Training roles?

Honestly you did a very nice thing, which was setting the call up. Your mother needs to step back and realise you did more than you needed to and it's got nothing to do with you or her!

She’s applying for everything, my mother says, but her CV isn’t great (not much on it apparently) so not having any luck.

I feel sorry for that, I know it’s tough out there. But I just don’t see how that’s BIL’s problem!

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 23/10/2024 19:05

Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:02

She did an LLM and wants to work in a big circle company. (Or is it magic circle?!) BIL works for one of these. He is literally always at work, ALWAYS - but is very wealthy.

I think DSIS likes the idea of all the money!

In all honesty, I know very little about the world of law. I work in a completely different field and hardly ever see BIL.

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What did she do before her LLM?

SophiaJ8 · 23/10/2024 19:05

Sounds like they basically thought he was going to get her in. They are BU.

Tell her to make it on her own like everyone else.

Park24 · 23/10/2024 19:04

Good life lesson for your sister. You set up the call so you did what you could. Sounds as if they're passive aggressively blaming you for him not being as helpful as they wanted. He's only met her once

FluffMagnet · 23/10/2024 19:04

Yeah if she works in the magic circle, she won't have much time to spend her earnings... Good luck to her!

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 23/10/2024 19:03

Your sister’s expectations were unreasonable.

Did you hype the BIL up in some way so she got the impression he could offer tangible assistance? Or did get imagination run away with her?

Tell your mum and sister you did what you could to put sister in contact with someone in the industry for a chat. That’s all you can do, and you’d like them to acknowledge your effort on her behalf. Beyond that, there’s nothing you can say.

FloofPaws · 23/10/2024 19:03

That's ridiculous! He probably can't just offer internships otherwise no one would get a fair chance they'd all be taken by family and friends - also he's so far away from where she is he probably isn't much use, I have a degree and PhD in science subject, I'm 52 now so would know tonnes about my field, sod all about going to uni and progression at an early stage, it was too long ago

Original poster
Lampshadeeey · 23/10/2024 19:02

SwingTheMonkey · 23/10/2024 18:54

It’s not your fault he wasn’t very helpful. It sounds very much like your mother and sister are utterly clueless about becoming a barrister or solicitor. It’s not something you ‘break into’, you have to work hard, get a degree and secure a pupilage etc. You won’t be offered a job as a solicitor or barrister because you know someone who works there, regardless of how big a job they have there.

She did an LLM and wants to work in a big circle company. (Or is it magic circle?!) BIL works for one of these. He is literally always at work, ALWAYS - but is very wealthy.

I think DSIS likes the idea of all the money!

In all honesty, I know very little about the world of law. I work in a completely different field and hardly ever see BIL.

OP posts:
TTPDTS · 23/10/2024 19:00

I mean what has your sister done in the past 3 months to advance her dreams? Is she seeking her own connections? Applying for jobs? Courses? Training roles?

Honestly you did a very nice thing, which was setting the call up. Your mother needs to step back and realise you did more than you needed to and it's got nothing to do with you or her!

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