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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex trying to reclaim money from child

187 replies

Preeel · 23/10/2024 13:46

18 months ago my ex went back to university to train to be a teacher. During that time period, he was technically ‘unemployed’ (he did receive a grant, but that’s irrelevant in CMS’ view). As such, the child maintenance calculator reduced his payment to £0. His father, my child’s grandfather, then got involved and said he would continue to pay £50 a week in maintenance on behalf of his son as it wasn’t right that our child wasn’t supported. This money was paid via the grandfather to my ex, then he would transfer it to me.

My ex is finally employed and the maintenance calculator has said he needs to pay £100 a week. However, my ex is now claiming that the CMS should subtract all of the money that his father paid over the 18 months, therefore reducing his sum of £100 a week. It’s almost £4,000. I disagree as this was never the agreement, and I was never told that essentially I would need to pay this money back. It was a gentleman’s agreement if you like between the three of us to make sure our child continued to be supported.

AIBU or has my ex got a case to claim this money back?

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 23/10/2024 15:59

iamtheblcksheep · 23/10/2024 15:16

His bank account would also show him receiving money from his grandfather then paying it to you. I’m not usually on the side of grabby women but this guy is an asshole.

Grabby women? How is it grabby to expect a man who fathered a child to help pay for said child? This situation OP doesn’t come off as grabby at all

Preeel · 23/10/2024 15:58

Additionally, my DC’s grandfather has done one-off payments for half of expenses such as assessments etc. for our DC who was / is being investigated for neurodiversity. He’s never asked for that money back and that was paid to me directly, so I’m pretty sure this is just ex chancing it.

OP posts:
ChachiChichi · 23/10/2024 15:58

Know this is massively off topic but I can't see that selfish arse making the best teacher.

Psychologymam · 23/10/2024 15:57

Lemonyyy · 23/10/2024 15:24

🙄Wanting a man to pay for the children he fathered is not "grabby"

Indeed - let’s see you feed, clothe, house and generally look after a child on 100 a week. Nursery alone will be about 5 times that….

Itsmahoneybaloney · 23/10/2024 15:56

Preeel · 23/10/2024 15:55

I’m not sure if the grandfather had an agreement with my ex that he pays the money back. I was never privy to that. All I was told (directly by grandfather) is that he wanted to support our DC whilst his son wasn’t able to. There was never any mention of loans or paying this money back.

He’s an honourable man and I can’t see him agreeing to this or colluding with his son. I imagine should my ex argue further he will get short shrift from his father. I’m going to be speaking to my DC’s grandfather to find out what he makes of all this.

Phone him ASAP and let us know the outcome. I can just imagine what he'll say to your ex once he finds out. Your ex is a snake of epic proportions and I would not want him as my child's teacher.

Preeel · 23/10/2024 15:55

I’m not sure if the grandfather had an agreement with my ex that he pays the money back. I was never privy to that. All I was told (directly by grandfather) is that he wanted to support our DC whilst his son wasn’t able to. There was never any mention of loans or paying this money back.

He’s an honourable man and I can’t see him agreeing to this or colluding with his son. I imagine should my ex argue further he will get short shrift from his father. I’m going to be speaking to my DC’s grandfather to find out what he makes of all this.

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 23/10/2024 15:55

iamtheblcksheep · 23/10/2024 15:16

His bank account would also show him receiving money from his grandfather then paying it to you. I’m not usually on the side of grabby women but this guy is an asshole.

How is a woman being "grabby" when she requests maintenance from the absent father to contribute to the upkeep of his child? It's the very least he should do! 🙄

AngelicKaty · 23/10/2024 15:52

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 23/10/2024 15:47

Sorry to be pedantic, but
18 months = 52 + 26 weeks = 78 weeks
78 * 50 = £3,900 ie almost 4K
QED
I promise I will try to get a life now.

Exactly. Often people confuse 4 weeks with a month - not the same thing at all. The state pension is an example, which is paid every 4 weeks so there are 13 (not 12) payments per annum.

AngelicKaty · 23/10/2024 15:50

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 23/10/2024 15:34

OP read the link I posted above.

The CMS aren’t going to make you pay the money back. They’re asking about voluntary payments to take account of the time the claim had started etc.

Nowhere does it state that if you pay more or some when you don’t have to you can claim it back, that’s not how it works.

He’s messing with your head by telling you it needs paying back. But CMS haven’t said you need to pay it back have they?

You just say no. It’s not up for discussion. Tell him that there’s no stipulation that voluntary payments need to be paid back and that the matter is closed.

Don’t let him intimidate you any further..

And you can declare the voluntary payments to CMS without fear of retribution from them.

I do understand the anxiety around this, I mean I jumped to the same conclusion until I looked it up.

But it really isn’t the case.

This mum's experience on MN suggests that CMS can and do offset voluntary payments against future payments: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lone_parents/4771367-cms-voluntary-payments?postsby=Ellizabeth 🤔

CMS voluntary payments | Mumsnet

Mumsnet makes parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support on everything from conception to childbirth, from babies to teenagers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lone_parents/4771367-cms-voluntary-payments?postsby=Ellizabeth

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 23/10/2024 15:47

AnonymousBleep · 23/10/2024 15:40

The grandad was paying £50 a week so £200 a month. Which is £3600 over 18 months.

Sorry to be pedantic, but
18 months = 52 + 26 weeks = 78 weeks
78 * 50 = £3,900 ie almost 4K
QED
I promise I will try to get a life now.

Wigtopia · 23/10/2024 15:46

If the grandad paid, why does the ex think he deserves that money back? 🤨

Bigcat25 · 23/10/2024 15:45

Please let us know how iy goes OP.

Gillbil · 23/10/2024 15:43

I'd disagree, at the end of the day you were told it was a monetary gift for your dc from their grandfather via the 'dad'

AnonymousBleep · 23/10/2024 15:40

ShinyShona · 23/10/2024 15:36

They might. The paper trail is 18 months of £50 of child maintenance payments from the father's bank account when he didn't have to pay anything based on their assessment.

I'm not sure I follow the £4k argument though, it's only £900 for 18 months?

The grandad was paying £50 a week so £200 a month. Which is £3600 over 18 months.

ShinyShona · 23/10/2024 15:39

crockofshite · 23/10/2024 15:37

Ex will need to declare the gift from his father, it might be taxed.

No. £600 is well below the threshold for that.

lunar1 · 23/10/2024 15:38

What an absolute toad of a man (sorry toads).

LadyGabriella · 23/10/2024 15:38

That money was a gift from child’s grandfather. It is not relevant to the CMS claim. What a nasty man.

crockofshite · 23/10/2024 15:37

Preeel · 23/10/2024 13:58

Technically the payments came from my ex’s bank account though, so it would look like my ex was making these payments…

Ex will need to declare the gift from his father, it might be taxed.

ShinyShona · 23/10/2024 15:36

Mandylovescandy · 23/10/2024 13:52

Surely CMS wouldn't agree with this

They might. The paper trail is 18 months of £50 of child maintenance payments from the father's bank account when he didn't have to pay anything based on their assessment.

I'm not sure I follow the £4k argument though, it's only £900 for 18 months?

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 23/10/2024 15:34

OP read the link I posted above.

The CMS aren’t going to make you pay the money back. They’re asking about voluntary payments to take account of the time the claim had started etc.

Nowhere does it state that if you pay more or some when you don’t have to you can claim it back, that’s not how it works.

He’s messing with your head by telling you it needs paying back. But CMS haven’t said you need to pay it back have they?

You just say no. It’s not up for discussion. Tell him that there’s no stipulation that voluntary payments need to be paid back and that the matter is closed.

Don’t let him intimidate you any further..

And you can declare the voluntary payments to CMS without fear of retribution from them.

I do understand the anxiety around this, I mean I jumped to the same conclusion until I looked it up.

But it really isn’t the case.

Itsmahoneybaloney · 23/10/2024 15:33

BeerForMyHorses · 23/10/2024 15:31

I think this is going to be the problem to be honest. Technically they did come from his bank account..

What an absolute scumbag though.

So? You can't just demand back voluntary payments and he can provide his bank statements if he wants to prove where the funds came from - which he won't do because it'll be clear its from his dad.

BeerForMyHorses · 23/10/2024 15:31

Preeel · 23/10/2024 13:58

Technically the payments came from my ex’s bank account though, so it would look like my ex was making these payments…

I think this is going to be the problem to be honest. Technically they did come from his bank account..

What an absolute scumbag though.

TheDeepLemonHelper · 23/10/2024 15:30

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Lemonyyy · 23/10/2024 15:24

iamtheblcksheep · 23/10/2024 15:16

His bank account would also show him receiving money from his grandfather then paying it to you. I’m not usually on the side of grabby women but this guy is an asshole.

🙄Wanting a man to pay for the children he fathered is not "grabby"

TheCatterall · 23/10/2024 15:24

are there any text messages or emails where ex explains what his dad is doing? If so explain to ex you are screenshotting them (and do!) and will be forwarding to CMS.