Page 2 | Father not helping with baby

NumbMother · 2024-10-23T11:27:12+00:00

I am at a loss and do not know what to do! Let me start from the beginning, we tried for 3 years before getting pregnant at last. I am married, he is 17 years older than me (Divorced with 2 children, 19 and 21). He wanted a child, I was unsure, but extremely happy I decided YES. Before getting pregnant, he would always boast about how he cared for his babies and how useless his ex-wife is/was as a mother. According to him, he raised his children. Fast track to me becoming pregnant, there was a shift in our marriage. Most of the time he would argue with me over the most insignificant little detail and later blame me and my hormones. I ended up spending most of my time in the bedroom watching TV. He did not attend any of the appointments, always 'too busy' of forgot. Only for me to return home after the appointment to him sleeping on the couch. We both work for ourselves and we work together on most of our projects. An important factor throughout the entire story...So, me being self employed and us dividing all costs 50/50, I needed to work throughout my "maternity leave". I had a c-section in order to plan around work (his idea). I worked until midnight the day before my c-section, in the hospital, he brought my laptop to me because he had something I needed to attend to. The day I was released form hospital, I started working again on his demand. He continued working his normal hours and expected the same from me immediately. We did not have anyone to help/look after my girl, so I had to that as well. Without his assistance since he was either too tired or not at home. I work from home, so did not have to travel etc. Fast forward 8,5 months to now...In this whole time he has never done any night feeds (formula fed), he has bathed her twice, does not help/offer assistance in any way, I always have to ask him to take her just so I can take a shower. She goes to daycare from 8-4 during the day since she was 4 months old so that I can work. He never changes a diaper, give a bottle, drop her off or collect her from daycare. The only time he will change her diaper/feed her is if I ask him to, event then he sighs. To make matters worse, I am also furthering my studies, so I have to deal with my studies as well. Most evenings he would sit in front of the tv or sleep. Weekends he does stuff around the house, so he 'cant look after her since he is too busy. Whenever I ask for help or tell him that he is also responsible for her, it turns into a fight. He then ignores both of us (like actual silent treatment) for days on end. We keep fighting because I am so tired and overwhelmed, yet he is the one who is always sleeping. He exhibits typical narcissistic traits such as gaslighting, projecting, love bombing etc. He suffers from depression but decided to stop his medication, I have asked him to take his meds again, but he refuses and tells me I am the one with the problem? I do not know what to do anymore! I am literally feeling numb of any emotions, but I know I need to fight in order to give my baby my best. How do I handle this situation?

Original poster

NumbMother · 24/10/2024 22:54

I already know I must leave. I do realise as much. After years of emotional abuse by this man, I have lost myself completely. I used to be the one in front, always taking charge of any situation. I used to go hiking, mountain biking etc. but slowly over the years he has estranged me from my friends and myself. I don’t do any of the things I used to love. My best friend died of leukemia 3 years ago, I was totally devastated and when I looked at him for comfort, he accused me of being emotional and pathetic. His exact words “I can’t help you with your shit at the moment, go see a fucking therapist and get over yourself. Life goes on”. This was 2 weeks after her death. I resent this man to my core, but know that if I leave now he will ruin me in every way possible. I will not be able to financially support my baby since our work is intertwined and once I leave, so does my income. We are finishing up a project within the next 2 years which will be extremely beneficial for my career if I finish it. He is well known in our industry and he will block all possible sources of income for me. I have been saving what I can without his knowledge for when I am able to leave. Unfortunately he will make sure I will not be financially equipped to care for my baby. He has threatened me before that he will ruin my life and I will regret leaving him. He will do anything in his power to ensure I do not get custody of my baby. I hate this situation I am in. I am tired and I don’t recognise the person staring back in the mirror. How the fuck did I end up here?? I believe he has a drinking problem, he is in denial. The shit he has done when under the influence I can’t even mention here! Some days I fear for my own safety around him.
How do I get out of this mess? Do I continue for another 2 years and take the time to carefully plan my exit or do I give up everything I have worked my entire life by leaving now? If I stay, how do I do this?

OP posts:

PixieLaLar · 24/10/2024 15:35

Threads like this actually really get my back up.

It’s clearly obvious he’s an abusive dick but here’s the OP all pathetically like “but what should I do?”

Grow the fuck up, take responsibility for producing a child and look after that child. Leave the asshole.

muggart · 24/10/2024 15:20

This man has to be a contender for one of the worst partners I've heard about on MN, and there is tough competition.

Surely, OP, you must resent him so much?

I'm sure leaving him seems a huge task because clearly he is the one in charge in the relationship so you might feel you can't go it alone, but to the rest of the world it is clear you are so strong to have coped with all that and he is a useless incompetent selfish leech.

MumChp · 24/10/2024 01:21

And you haven't left because?

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2024 01:18

@NumbMother

Well, now you know him for what he is, a liar.

He lied about his involvement with the care of his other children. He lied about his ex-wife being a terrible mum. Who knows what else he's lied about?

He may not have lied about wanting a baby, though. Why wouldn't he want one when it meant no change to his life. Babies are wonderful when they're somebody else's responsibility. Plus, in his mind he may see the baby as 'tying' you to him and unable to leave.

Prove him wrong. Leave.

KittenOnTheTable · 24/10/2024 00:32

So when I was in a situation like this I stayed for another 8 years nothing got better only worse. It wasn't until someone said to me kindly that dd was seeing everything that went on did I want the same for her when she grows up. To think it's OK to be treated like that. Lit a fire under my ass. I'm now happily married to someone else. Who I never have to ask for help.

Get your ducks in a row. You both deserve better

Disturbtheuniverse · 24/10/2024 00:20

Yeah leave. I can't see this getting better and your little one needs a happier environment.

Pallisers · 24/10/2024 00:05

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Do you think this is a plot line in a novel or a screenplay? "lighthearted and fun" wtf. this woman is doing a full time job and minding a baby with no maternity leave and no help. Did you read the bit about him attending NONE of her appointments despite working for himself?

Anyway, I wouldn't do any of this crap with a man who brought me a laptop in hospital when I had just had a c-section and made me work after major abdominal surgery and a newborn.

Op, take a very careful look at your finances/housing etc. See a solicitor and plan your exit. When making your plans, presume you working together will end. Frankly, I would postpone the studying for the moment until life gets easier for you.

I agree he may say he'll look for full residency as a threat but the idea of the lazy git actually minding a baby full-time is quite funny (it it wasn't potentially dangerous)

I'd love to know his ex-wife's take on their marriage. And OP, your red flags should have been waving when he told you all that guff about single-handedly raising his children because he ex was a useless mother.

Mylovelygreendress · 24/10/2024 00:00

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Is this a joke ?

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/10/2024 23:59

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Oh for fucks sake. There's always one. Don't be so bloody stupid. I'm embarrassed for you.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/10/2024 23:56

This is not going to get better but plan your exit carefully as he will insist he's the parent with care and will go for full residency. See a solicitor. Contact Women's Aid. You do not and will never have the husband you want. Please listen to us who have walked this mile

GreatTheCat · 23/10/2024 19:44

Not what you wanted to hear, but you leave him.

Your daughter will have a much betterife without him.

HappyToSmile · 23/10/2024 19:35

Just leave. He won't change and you're doing it all yourself anyway. If you leave, you will be doing all the same things but will have none of the resentment and upset you must feel because of him. I'm guessing it will be hard as you work together, but I reckon he needs you more at work than you need him and could easily find another job

nutbrownhare15 · 23/10/2024 15:32

Now you know why he is really divorced. You could try to change him but could you ever get over the resentment of what he's done to you? I couldn't. I'd be contacting a solicitor with a view to divorce.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/10/2024 15:23

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

No mention of his awful behaviour? Make it lighthearted and fun? Did you read how he's behaved since she got pregnant with the baby that he really wanted?

He sounds abusive and she should leave him.

TheSandgroper · 23/10/2024 15:03

Are you a director or partner of the business or an employee?

Get a really good independent accountant then a lawyer.

Do not stay.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/10/2024 14:56

You end this relationship obviously.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2024 14:55

I had a c-section in order to plan around work (his idea). I worked until midnight the day before my c-section, in the hospital, he brought my laptop to me because he had something I needed to attend to. The day I was released form hospital, I started working again on his demand.

@ButtercupBeans you numpty, does this sound like a man open to a lovely conversation on a date night? Or an abusive twat who played a bait-and-switch on OP?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2024 14:53

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Don't be so blooming silly.

Amyknows · 23/10/2024 13:57

What are you even asking op? Surely the one and only thing to do is leave?

So you never noticed his relationship with his kids? You probably knew what he's like and did it anyway.

AttachmentFTW · 23/10/2024 13:45

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Some AI or bot derived nonsense right there. I've reported it.

This advice sounds lovely and might work with a loving partner who had just got a bit lost or not sure how to navigate new parenthood.

Sadly your DH doesn't sound like that. He sounds like an emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative arse hole. I hope you can find a way to leave the relationship safely. I think you and your baby will be better for it.

MagAmberson · 23/10/2024 13:45

Leave him. How can you love or respect a man who hasn't lifted a finger to care for your baby? Your daughter does not need this man in her life. You and your child can be a happy family unit without him.

Boobygravy · 23/10/2024 13:37

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

What a ridiculous answer.

I’m honestly embarrassed for you.

jeaux90 · 23/10/2024 13:35

@ButtercupBeans did you even read the OP?

The man is completely useless and she doesn't need a date night or a business plan for the father of her child to know he's not parenting his own child and being a lazy, feckless asshole.

I have been there, these men don't change OP. Short term, read him the riot act and tell him to buck his ideas up. Longer term I doubt things will change, plan to split.

I'll tell you something as a lone parent for 14 years, life is a lot simpler and peaceful without men like this in it. What a disgrace he is.

Velvian · 23/10/2024 13:32

💯 leave him. He is an abusive waste of space. Have you called him out on his obvious BS about raising his 2 older children?