Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father not helping with baby

61 replies

NumbMother · 23/10/2024 12:27

I am at a loss and do not know what to do! Let me start from the beginning, we tried for 3 years before getting pregnant at last. I am married, he is 17 years older than me (Divorced with 2 children, 19 and 21). He wanted a child, I was unsure, but extremely happy I decided YES. Before getting pregnant, he would always boast about how he cared for his babies and how useless his ex-wife is/was as a mother. According to him, he raised his children. Fast track to me becoming pregnant, there was a shift in our marriage. Most of the time he would argue with me over the most insignificant little detail and later blame me and my hormones. I ended up spending most of my time in the bedroom watching TV. He did not attend any of the appointments, always 'too busy' of forgot. Only for me to return home after the appointment to him sleeping on the couch. We both work for ourselves and we work together on most of our projects. An important factor throughout the entire story...So, me being self employed and us dividing all costs 50/50, I needed to work throughout my "maternity leave". I had a c-section in order to plan around work (his idea). I worked until midnight the day before my c-section, in the hospital, he brought my laptop to me because he had something I needed to attend to. The day I was released form hospital, I started working again on his demand. He continued working his normal hours and expected the same from me immediately. We did not have anyone to help/look after my girl, so I had to that as well. Without his assistance since he was either too tired or not at home. I work from home, so did not have to travel etc. Fast forward 8,5 months to now...In this whole time he has never done any night feeds (formula fed), he has bathed her twice, does not help/offer assistance in any way, I always have to ask him to take her just so I can take a shower. She goes to daycare from 8-4 during the day since she was 4 months old so that I can work. He never changes a diaper, give a bottle, drop her off or collect her from daycare. The only time he will change her diaper/feed her is if I ask him to, event then he sighs. To make matters worse, I am also furthering my studies, so I have to deal with my studies as well. Most evenings he would sit in front of the tv or sleep. Weekends he does stuff around the house, so he 'cant look after her since he is too busy. Whenever I ask for help or tell him that he is also responsible for her, it turns into a fight. He then ignores both of us (like actual silent treatment) for days on end. We keep fighting because I am so tired and overwhelmed, yet he is the one who is always sleeping. He exhibits typical narcissistic traits such as gaslighting, projecting, love bombing etc. He suffers from depression but decided to stop his medication, I have asked him to take his meds again, but he refuses and tells me I am the one with the problem? I do not know what to do anymore! I am literally feeling numb of any emotions, but I know I need to fight in order to give my baby my best. How do I handle this situation?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Dontwearmysocks · 29/11/2024 17:27

How to handle it? Kick the useless turd out to live a single life elsewhere.

ChateauMargaux · 29/11/2024 15:01

Get a therapist, get a life coach, get a career coach, get a best friend, be your own best friend.

You are still the sum of all of your experiences to date - they will not go away in a puff of smoke when you leave your partner. I know he has take a lot from you, but he has not taken everything.

HoppingPavlova · 29/11/2024 12:49

He suffers from depression but decided to stop his medication, I have asked him to take his meds again, but he refuses and tells me I am the one with the problem?

This will be the main cause of his tiredness/sleeping all the time. Irrespective, it’s his problem as he is choosing not to take medication to minimise that aspect.

Just leave, it sounds shit.

Neetra30 · 29/11/2024 12:38

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

OP's husband isnt even the type to listen, let alone negotiate with.
OP, let me tell you right now, this guy will never change.
You need to plan your exit

PersephonePotts · 25/10/2024 12:00

I honestly see so many stories of much younger second wives with DHs who behave like Disney Dad and bang on about how dreary and useless wife no 1 was - only to find it’s HIM who is the useless prick and he hasn’t taken it well when his midlife crisis woman turns out to be an actual human with wants and needs of her own, rather than just the Wanksock he was expecting. Harsh but true.

leave him

Borninabarn32 · 25/10/2024 11:56

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:55

How did you meet your DP?! (Sorry to derail op but I am in this boat and would love to know!)

Bumble of all places , absolutely strike of luck, neither of us were looking for a proper relationship, honestly didn't think men like him existed tbh, sp no advice there, he's my lottery win moment lol

DecafDodger · 25/10/2024 11:42

He will do anything in his power to ensure I do not get custody of my baby.

they always say that. What are his chances realistically, if he has shown no interest in the baby before? Do you really think he even wants to be a resident parent and do all the actual care?

Sassybooklover · 25/10/2024 09:28

Well, I think you know by now that his boasting of how he brought up his adult children and how terrible their Mother is....was a big fat lie. He has proved to you, that he's not a good Dad in any sense of the word. My guess that where you are now, is exactly where is ex-wife was when their children were small. Now it's easy to see why she is divorced from him. You need to end the marriage. For your own sanity. He won't get better, he will just carry on in the same manner, blaming you for everything that goes wrong. You are essentially a married single Mother, so being on your own will probably be hard in some ways but easier in others. He brings nothing to the relationship and adds no value to your life or your daughter's.

ManhattanPopcorn · 25/10/2024 09:24

No doubt he made the same threats to his ex wife. She managed to leave and start over. So can you.

NewGreenDuck · 25/10/2024 09:18

Make plans to leave. He's a useless twat and a controlling twat too. Don't waste another second on him. Your life will improve away from him.

Velvian · 25/10/2024 09:13

Next time he does something to you while drunk, report him to the police. You need to start building a paper trail of his lack of fitness as a parent for your child’s sake.

I'm sure you have a lot of transferable skills that can be used in a different sector. You could stop working with him now and start to build a career away from him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/10/2024 09:07

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:05

He is not god, he does not control and entire industry. He cannot black list you. You are good at your work and your clients and associates know that. Don't let him make you believe otherwise.

This!

You need to leave now OP, not wait for another two years.

As others have said, speak to women’s aid for advice and help.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:05

He is not god, he does not control and entire industry. He cannot black list you. You are good at your work and your clients and associates know that. Don't let him make you believe otherwise.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:04

Sorry I mean I regret not calling the police when this happened

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:04

He is trying to bully and scare you. Being married you have a lot of rights - you can seek advice from domestic violence charity, what they may be able to get is an occupation order and a non molestation order so you're the one able to stay in the home and he can't. If he is ever verbally aggressive or destroys property call the police so you have a record . I regret it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:00

NumbMother · 24/10/2024 22:54

I already know I must leave. I do realise as much. After years of emotional abuse by this man, I have lost myself completely. I used to be the one in front, always taking charge of any situation. I used to go hiking, mountain biking etc. but slowly over the years he has estranged me from my friends and myself. I don’t do any of the things I used to love. My best friend died of leukemia 3 years ago, I was totally devastated and when I looked at him for comfort, he accused me of being emotional and pathetic. His exact words “I can’t help you with your shit at the moment, go see a fucking therapist and get over yourself. Life goes on”. This was 2 weeks after her death. I resent this man to my core, but know that if I leave now he will ruin me in every way possible. I will not be able to financially support my baby since our work is intertwined and once I leave, so does my income. We are finishing up a project within the next 2 years which will be extremely beneficial for my career if I finish it. He is well known in our industry and he will block all possible sources of income for me. I have been saving what I can without his knowledge for when I am able to leave. Unfortunately he will make sure I will not be financially equipped to care for my baby. He has threatened me before that he will ruin my life and I will regret leaving him. He will do anything in his power to ensure I do not get custody of my baby. I hate this situation I am in. I am tired and I don’t recognise the person staring back in the mirror. How the fuck did I end up here?? I believe he has a drinking problem, he is in denial. The shit he has done when under the influence I can’t even mention here! Some days I fear for my own safety around him.
How do I get out of this mess? Do I continue for another 2 years and take the time to carefully plan my exit or do I give up everything I have worked my entire life by leaving now? If I stay, how do I do this?

Op I felt like I was getting punched in the stomach readying how he spoke to you after you best friend died . Ouch I'm so so sorry as a human being you deserve so much better than how he's treated you

When I told my ex I felt like I was in survival mode being pregnant and doing everying in the house he laughed at me and told me I didn't live in a. Refugee camp and I had to be more resilient. They are all the same.

Read 'why does he do that n' by Lundy Bancroft and also 'how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court' and call women's aid and see a lawyer before you tell him you're leaving make a plan to do it safely

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:56

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Not a chance a nasty lazy man like this would agree to the schedule he would sleep through his jobs

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:55

Borninabarn32 · 23/10/2024 12:40

You sound like me 3 years ago. I left when DS was 1.5yr. I lost my income becuase it was tied to him and my home becuase he wouldn't leave. Life was so incredibly easier as a single mother on benefits in a rented flat than it was with him. Like so much easier. I was on the brink of not being able to feed us, counting loo flushes, wearing two pairs of socks. But fuck me it was a breeze. Then I met DP, who stepped up and looked after DS better than his dad ever did, I got lay ins for the first time in years.

Dump his sorry ass, it'll be the best thing you ever did. Otherwise you will serve him until he finally dies and you'll be too old to enjoy it.

How did you meet your DP?! (Sorry to derail op but I am in this boat and would love to know!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:54

He doesn't care about you or your child. Move out and go and live with your mum if you possibly can? I spent my mat leave with my parents and they were wonderful to me.
You don't deserve any of this and reading Tori lost makes me feel like the lucky one (my nasty selfish ex walked out on me just before our baby was born)

DeathNote11 · 25/10/2024 08:47

Don't waste time & energy trying to make a point of arguing against him because men like that love those opportunities to further confuse & abuse. PLEASE call women's aid or your local DA service for support, someone needs to know what's going on, help you get your ducks in a row & keep you grounded because he'll not relinquish control without a fight.

Naunet · 25/10/2024 08:34

Sorry, I posted that before seeing your update, and I’m not surprised to see his threats, I suspect he only wanted a baby with you to trap you and isolate you further. What a vile, weak little man he is.

Can you call Womens Aid, or maybe get some therapy to help you get into a place where you’re mentally ready to leave and the fight that will come? Do you have family support? Can you get back in touch with your friends?

thepariscrimefiles · 25/10/2024 08:32

As previous posters have stated, please speak to some domestic abuse charities such as Women's Aid for advice on how to leave your abusive partner.

You should also seek legal advice, if possible.

Naunet · 25/10/2024 08:22

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Yes because despite ignoring her asking for help all this time, having a date night will fix everything, and when he continues to be a lazy, selfish arsehole, just be a good girl and laugh about it 🙄

OP, he sounds disgusting, I can’t believe he expected you to work right after major surgery and with a new born, that’s abuse. He is not a kind or loving man and I expect he’s going to make it as hard as possible for you to leave, but I really think it’s what you need to do, and I don’t say that lightly.

pumpkinpam · 25/10/2024 08:08

I would say that my dh didn't become particularly involved with our dd until she reached about 6 months. Prior to that I think he was a bit scared and unsure, he left it to me. I don't think this is that uncommon. However he did try and help me in other ways, cooking and cleaning, letting me sleep, and not expecting me to work the day after having our baby!!!! I'm actually gobsmacked that he brought your laptop to the hospital!

Does this man bring anything to your life at all? Does he care about you and your baby? If you're in any doubt then you're better off alone.

nutbrownhare15 · 25/10/2024 08:01

Talk to a domestic abuse service in your area and a lawyer. They will help you to plan your exit.