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AIBU?

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to think a lot of this “boy mum” stuff is a load of sexist nonsense?

292 replies

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:01

I’m always hearing people (on social media and in real life) talking about being “boy mums”, mostly saying how hard it is to raise boys as they are always being dangerous, loud, disruptive and disobedient, the tacit implication being that girls are quiet, do as they are told and that raising them is easy.

I have two girls, and I am not exaggerating when I say every single posts, video or anecdote of the supposedly “dangerous, madcap antics” “boy mums” have to deal with is something my girls do regularly. I’m thinking mostly of toddler/young children stuff. For example, I saw a video the other day of a child around 18 months trying to climb over a cardboard box and then tumbling off it (soft landing, no danger whatsoever), with a caption saying something like “see, this is what boy mums have to put up with!” and I’m just like… isn’t that just totally normal toddler behaviour for both sexes?? When my girls were that age I felt like they spent every minute of every day trying to climb up everything. My cousin posted one last week of her 3 year old splashing in some mud with a comment about being a “boy mum” and it was just such a massive eye-roll. As if little girl toddlers don’t love splashing around in mud every chance they get, too!

It's mostly just eye-rolling stuff, but it does actually sometimes annoy me, because I sometimes feel like people are assuming parents of girls have some sort of blessed easy life where we’re just sitting around getting our hair brushed, or relaxing while our perfect little angels play dollies, while “boy mums” are actually doing hard work, which is so far from the truth that it annoys me. My girls both come home from school/nursery covered in mud every day, they act like they are allergic to doing as they’re told, they climb, they jump, they playfight – and as far as I’ve seen of other girls, they are totally normal in this regard.

My in-laws especially are big on the whole “boys are loud and dangerous and misbehave and girls are quiet and obedient” thing (to the point where it comes up in conversation every time we see them🙄), and the weird thing is, our nephews on that side actually happen to be naturally very placid, introverted and timid, while it’s our girls who are climbing the walls, being rambunctious and rarely do as they’re told without a struggle. And yet still they go on about how boys are so “naughty” and hard work, and "girls don't misbehave" (verbatim quote from MIL!!!!) which I just find a bit insulting really, because if what they are saying is true, then it stands to reason that either we must have an easy life, or we must just be rubbish parents, because girls are supposed to be “naturally obedient” and yet we still have to put loads of work into getting ours to behave, so how hopeless must we be?

So, what’s the consensus? Is it true that boys are naturally naughtier and harder work, or is it sexist nonsense?

(For the sake of the poll, let’s stick to thinking about little children rather than older kids/teens.)

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 23/10/2024 14:13

All children are individuals. From what I've observed, there is a spectrum of children ranging from the fizzing with energy to the fairly sedate. I don't know whether it's nature/nurture/societal expectations but ime more boys than girls tend to fall on the seemingly extremely energetic end of the spectrum, there are lots of boys and girls somewhere in the middle and I've met about an equal number of both who prefer sitting and sedentary activities to running around.

What I've found is that very young siblings tend to copy the older ones. Again, might just be my kids. I have a 7yo boy and 2yo girl, and the 2yo girl wants to do everything her older brother does. The older one is quite energetic but the younger one could give him a run for his money. And despite the 5 year age gap, my kids seem to have similar levels of maturity so maybe that's an advantage of having an older boy/younger girl 😂.

MsNeis · 23/10/2024 14:09

While I agree that boys and girls are different, I also agree with what you say regarding completely normal toddler/children behaviour. Certainly "obedience" is not something that comes naturally to a 18 month old of either sex 😄
And I do believe that, ultimately, some of this BS of girls being more obedient (as if it was a good thing per se?) ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy.

SamPoodle123 · 23/10/2024 14:07

Of course there are different behaviours.....but until you have had one of each you can not compare. Try inviting some of the boys over for play dates and see the difference. I have seen a big difference and of course you can have boys that are more calm and girls that are more wild. But, when my ds has his friends over its a lot more energy, running up and down the stairs, wrestling. They just can not sit still....over the years he has only had one friend over that was super calm....they sat and played chess. My dd's have had many quiet play dates, where they draw, chat, play quietly. I definitely notice a different with the boys versus the girls. You can see it in the classrooms as well if you have volunteered to help out or in the park.

adviceneeded1990 · 23/10/2024 14:07

Missamyp · 23/10/2024 14:05

What is poor behaviour?

Or what is seen as “poor behaviour” in a boy and would it be the same in a girl? Would a girl hurting someone be criticised and reprimanded for violence but a boy hurting his friend be brushed off as “boys will be boys, boys play rough, etc” I’ve seen that in schools many a time.

Demonhunter · 23/10/2024 14:07

Sdpbody · 23/10/2024 14:02

The term "boy mum" is just a way mums get through not having girls. Everymum I know with just boys, says, "oh no, I don't mind" but we all know they are gutted to not have had a girl.

I'm not, and considering my youngest is adopted, I'm happy with boys.

Notparticularlywealthy · 23/10/2024 14:06

Sdpbody · 23/10/2024 14:02

The term "boy mum" is just a way mums get through not having girls. Everymum I know with just boys, says, "oh no, I don't mind" but we all know they are gutted to not have had a girl.

How about you just speak for yourself?!? And stop perpetuating this shite about boys being less desirable than girls?

ttcat37 · 23/10/2024 14:06

Sdpbody · 23/10/2024 14:02

The term "boy mum" is just a way mums get through not having girls. Everymum I know with just boys, says, "oh no, I don't mind" but we all know they are gutted to not have had a girl.

See my above post. Yours is highly offensive. Having two boys is a dream come true.

Missamyp · 23/10/2024 14:05

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 14:01

What a shock that more parents allow poor behaviour from sons compared to daughters, who knew this would lead to their sons exhibiting more poor behaviour!

What is poor behaviour?

adviceneeded1990 · 23/10/2024 14:05

I’m a teacher and I think you are correct and it’s a lot of rubbish. I’ve taught girls who are swinging from the light fittings while their male peers read their books as instructed and vice versa. Personality, upbringing, genetics, environment, experiences, etc, all build a person and their behaviour not their gender.

ttcat37 · 23/10/2024 14:05

Well I guess this thread makes a difference to the ‘girl mums’ that do exactly the same as what you’re accusing ‘boy mums’ of. “So delighted to have girls, I’d have been happy with either but secretly wanted a girl to bond with, do girly things with, have as a best friend…”
I’m a boy mum, pregnant with another boy and feel so lucky! And yes the 10 month old is a daredevil but so was my niece.

Notparticularlywealthy · 23/10/2024 14:05

God, this kind of stuff pisses me off no end! I have two children. The 6yo is anxious, loves crafts, reading, beautifully behaved at school. Also regularly becomes very angry and makes threats, fights with sibling.

The 3yo is wild, "naughty" on purpose, runs away. Also likes crafts but struggles to focus on it for long periods of time. Climbs on and falls off things non-stop. Loves creams, having hair brushed, conditioner, having nails painted etc.

They're both boys!

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 23/10/2024 14:03

Sdpbody · 23/10/2024 14:02

The term "boy mum" is just a way mums get through not having girls. Everymum I know with just boys, says, "oh no, I don't mind" but we all know they are gutted to not have had a girl.

Nonsense.

Demonhunter · 23/10/2024 14:02

I think the main differences come in the teen years.

Younger than that though, they can all be thrill seeking, asbo little shits when they want to be 😂

Sdpbody · 23/10/2024 14:02

The term "boy mum" is just a way mums get through not having girls. Everymum I know with just boys, says, "oh no, I don't mind" but we all know they are gutted to not have had a girl.

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 14:01

What a shock that more parents allow poor behaviour from sons compared to daughters, who knew this would lead to their sons exhibiting more poor behaviour!

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 23/10/2024 14:01

I work with over three hundred children daily and I can definitely tell you boys are different to girls in their play.

LurkingFromTheShadows · 23/10/2024 13:59

I have two boys and think this boy mum stuff is bloody stupid.
It's not sex related at all. It's personality related. My eldest is calm, sweet, sensitive, plays everything safe. My youngest is a wild climbing ball of chaos. I really don't know why people do it

Feelinadequate23 · 23/10/2024 13:59

In my experience it’s the mums of girls who reinforce this! Always saying things like, “I’m so glad I’ve got girls - they just sit and colour quietly for ages and take themselves off to read their books! I couldn’t cope with all the physical energy that boys have!”

I only have very physically active boys so mine do fit the stereotype. I know some calmer boys but the mums of girls I know all swear their daughters are calm, non-physical and love art and crafts!

OpalTree · 23/10/2024 13:57

elderflowerspritzer · 23/10/2024 13:54

But you yourself just made reference to the 'typical girl' and how three of yours are 'not typical'. You're reinforcing the very stereotypes that annoy you. This stuff is so ingrained. 😣

If 3 out of your 5 girls are boisterous and active, then it's perfectly typical! They're in the majority!

The poster is not saying she subscribes to the view of "typical girls" she is talking about society's view of typical girls. That's why she put it in inverted comments.

RitaFires · 23/10/2024 13:57

I think most people are keenly aware of societal messaging that suggests the best thing with multiple children is to have both boys and girls. Unfortunately some react by becoming toxicly obsessed with pushing the message that they would hate having a child of the opposite gender and identifying with the idea of being a boy mum or girl mum and perpetuating a lot of sexist ideas.

Deadringer · 23/10/2024 13:57

I find it's often parents who's dc are all the one sex that perpetuate this nonsense, my friend only has girls and was always rolling her eyes and commenting on how differently boys play, and my sisters who only have boys are always sighing and commenting negatively on girls interactions.

tuberole · 23/10/2024 13:56

*boy mums

tuberole · 23/10/2024 13:56

It’s difficult to buy that boys are so disadvantaged are underprivileged when you live in a patriarchal society that affords them every opportunity over women.

You misunderstand. It is the big mums who are looked down on, not the boys themselves.

OpalTree · 23/10/2024 13:55

I remember being on baby centre when eldest was a toddler and someone describing a little girl at their son's nursery as flirting with the boys because her mum had invited a boy over to her house. They were assigning adult motives to her and talking about her as if she was a femme fatale/seductress type. It was really unpleasant. The mother went on to have two daughters and I hope she didn't carry on this sort of thinking into their upbringing.

TopshopCropTop · 23/10/2024 13:54

Redlettuce · 23/10/2024 13:49

It's because mums of boys are looked down on. You get loads of annoying comments when you only have boys.

It's also true that boys are louder and more boisterous on average. It's averages though, so there are also loads of quiet boys and noisy girls.

More boys have special needs, they do less well at school on average. They are also less likely to go to university.

And yet here we are in a country ran by boys, for boys. Only 2 women have ever been Prime Minister, 20 of our PMs have gone to the same all boys school. It’s difficult to buy that boys are so disadvantaged are underprivileged when you live in a patriarchal society that affords them every opportunity over women.