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AIBU?

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to think a lot of this “boy mum” stuff is a load of sexist nonsense?

292 replies

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:01

I’m always hearing people (on social media and in real life) talking about being “boy mums”, mostly saying how hard it is to raise boys as they are always being dangerous, loud, disruptive and disobedient, the tacit implication being that girls are quiet, do as they are told and that raising them is easy.

I have two girls, and I am not exaggerating when I say every single posts, video or anecdote of the supposedly “dangerous, madcap antics” “boy mums” have to deal with is something my girls do regularly. I’m thinking mostly of toddler/young children stuff. For example, I saw a video the other day of a child around 18 months trying to climb over a cardboard box and then tumbling off it (soft landing, no danger whatsoever), with a caption saying something like “see, this is what boy mums have to put up with!” and I’m just like… isn’t that just totally normal toddler behaviour for both sexes?? When my girls were that age I felt like they spent every minute of every day trying to climb up everything. My cousin posted one last week of her 3 year old splashing in some mud with a comment about being a “boy mum” and it was just such a massive eye-roll. As if little girl toddlers don’t love splashing around in mud every chance they get, too!

It's mostly just eye-rolling stuff, but it does actually sometimes annoy me, because I sometimes feel like people are assuming parents of girls have some sort of blessed easy life where we’re just sitting around getting our hair brushed, or relaxing while our perfect little angels play dollies, while “boy mums” are actually doing hard work, which is so far from the truth that it annoys me. My girls both come home from school/nursery covered in mud every day, they act like they are allergic to doing as they’re told, they climb, they jump, they playfight – and as far as I’ve seen of other girls, they are totally normal in this regard.

My in-laws especially are big on the whole “boys are loud and dangerous and misbehave and girls are quiet and obedient” thing (to the point where it comes up in conversation every time we see them🙄), and the weird thing is, our nephews on that side actually happen to be naturally very placid, introverted and timid, while it’s our girls who are climbing the walls, being rambunctious and rarely do as they’re told without a struggle. And yet still they go on about how boys are so “naughty” and hard work, and "girls don't misbehave" (verbatim quote from MIL!!!!) which I just find a bit insulting really, because if what they are saying is true, then it stands to reason that either we must have an easy life, or we must just be rubbish parents, because girls are supposed to be “naturally obedient” and yet we still have to put loads of work into getting ours to behave, so how hopeless must we be?

So, what’s the consensus? Is it true that boys are naturally naughtier and harder work, or is it sexist nonsense?

(For the sake of the poll, let’s stick to thinking about little children rather than older kids/teens.)

OP posts:
Wellingtonspie · 23/10/2024 12:36

Some will be personality add onto sexist ideas of girls vs boys. Where a boy in a muddy puddle is a boy being a boy. Where a boy play fighting is boys being rough and boyish.

A girl, stop that you’ll get dirty. Now now girls don’t fight do we stop that.

midgetastic · 23/10/2024 12:35

Sometimeswinning · 23/10/2024 12:05

I think it’s disingenuous to say there is no difference. I’m sure you’ll have plenty agreeing with you though!

There are differences
BUT
There are no clear differences that are not caused by society / parents and family

People expect boys to behave in a certain way so they will because childen like to live up to expectations

Take us back to the years old experiment - cross dress toddlers and see how the carers switch how they describe the childen - loving and gentle when dressed in a frock and boisterous when dressed in trousers. How we see and respond to the child is determined not by the child but by our prejudice- which is formed by how our parents raised us ...

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 23/10/2024 12:34

Sometimeswinning · 23/10/2024 12:05

I think it’s disingenuous to say there is no difference. I’m sure you’ll have plenty agreeing with you though!

Well, there will be a difference in families where girls are made fit into pretty little gender stereotype boxes. Maybe a difference through generations. That's not evidence of nature, but of lack of progressive culture.

ticklecrabs · 23/10/2024 12:33

I can only go off my own experience, which is that my daughter is calm, helpful and gets absorbed in sedentary activities like crafts and reading. My son is a bundle of energy who has no sense of danger and hurtles around on his little trike every minute that he can.

It's probably just their personality types but I definitely find being a "boy mum" more high-octane than being a "girl mum"!

GeneralPeter · 23/10/2024 12:33

It's not complete nonsense though, is it?

It's observable both in real life and in multiple studies, with various methodologies. See one eg:

pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3532859/

It's still open to argue nature vs nurture, and there will be many individual counterexamples, but when people talk about "boy behaviour" / "girl behaviour", they're talking in generalities, and as a generality it's not wrong.

Completelyjo · 23/10/2024 12:33

Sometimeswinning · 23/10/2024 12:05

I think it’s disingenuous to say there is no difference. I’m sure you’ll have plenty agreeing with you though!

It’s really not.

Circe7 · 23/10/2024 12:32

There are some brain differences between boys and girls and boys tend to hit developmental milestones a bit later, so are on average less “school-ready” than girls for example. As I understand it, the hormonal profile of boys and girls is different even as toddlers. So it seems likely that there are some behavioural differences across the population as a whole.

But that tells you nothing about any one child.

GreyCarpet · 23/10/2024 12:30

You're right, OP.

I have one of each.

Never had to excuse my son's behaviour with "boys will be boys" nonsense.

My daughter on the other hand was a real handful. Still want excused though. They were both parented well and grew up to he delightful.

Catza · 23/10/2024 12:29

I was constantly told as a child to behave "like a girl" every time I even so much as raised my voice during an excited play. I still remember being about 6 years old and me, my mum, her friend and friend's son went to the beach. On the way back we had some ice-creams and me and the boy were fulling around. I think we were jumping around and imitating bomb explosion sounds. I was immediately told to behave like a girl, the boy received no comments from his mum to behave. So yes, sexist bollocks but maybe not in a way you think it is.

NuffSaidSam · 23/10/2024 12:28

hangingonfordearlife1 · 23/10/2024 12:23

having had 2 girls followed by a boy...a boy toddler is bloody mental and soooo different to what i was used to. However 2 teenage girls are a different kind of mental and hope the boy will not have these hormonal issues

YOUR boy was mental. Don't make the mistake of thinking your experience is statistically significant.

Susi764 · 23/10/2024 12:27

All children are individuals and no trait is only seen in just one sex but I think it's hard to deny there isn't an general/overall difference between boys and girls behavior. I'm not sure it's exactly what you describe/see on social media though, I actually think boys on the whole are easier! I also agree they are a little more energetic and fearless (not that girls can't be too).

Whilst my DS is energetic and generally has no fear he is far easier going (as are the other boys in my family and friendship group) than any of his cousins/friends little ones who are girls. He's also the most loving child I know and I always get comments about how cuddly he is. My friends/family with both all say exactly the same thing about how much harder their girls are they are than their boys. Obviously this is anecdotal!

craftysnake · 23/10/2024 12:27

craftysnake · 23/10/2024 12:24

I’ve got three sons. They’ve never fought in their lives.

they’re in their 20s

Also never slammed doors. Never told me they hate me. They’re just really easy going guys

we’ve always been very polite to each other

SweetSakura · 23/10/2024 12:24

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:22

Well no, because if your children have never exhibited any disobedience then that means you didn't have to put any work into them being like that, they were like it naturally.

If it was purely down to your parenting, then they would have exhibited disobedience, dangerous behaviour etc., and you would have have gradually trained it out of them through lots of hard parenting.

I agree, I thought I was the world's best mum when I had DC1 (a boy) he was easy going, tantrum free, bookish, gentle and wise. I never had to discipline him.

Then I had Dc2 (a girl) Grin... And I realised anyone can think they are a good parent if they have easy going children!

user2848502016 · 23/10/2024 12:24

I completely agree, it is sexist rubbish. I think people allow worse behaviour in boys than girls which in turn means boys tend to do naughtier/more dangerous stuff.
Like parents watching children play will tell a little girl to be careful sooner than they would for a boy. Also more likely to offer girls help with things like climbing frames.
People think boys are stronger and bigger than girls the same age but statistically there's little difference until they reach puberty.

I have a 3 year old nephew and his behaviour is really no different to how my DDs were at that age, he's probably actually more sensible than my eldest DD!

I have been to many parties where parents of boys have just rolled their eyes in a "boys!" way at really quite bad behaviour, stuff I wouldn't have tolerated my DDs (or DSs if I had any!) doing.

I also remember being at a birthday party where it was all girls and one boy, all sitting down doing crafts. Where parents were like "oh girls are lovely they love doing stuff like this, it would be so different with boys"....ignoring the fact that the one boy was actually sitting down perfectly behaved creating something lovely- and some of the girls had given up and gone off to play outside!

craftysnake · 23/10/2024 12:24

I’ve got three sons. They’ve never fought in their lives.

they’re in their 20s

Thedownstream · 23/10/2024 12:24

My little boy is a cautious little thing. Won’t even go in a splash pad without holding my hand.

My eldest girl has always been a daredevil and spends all winter covered in mud from playing sports.

I hate gender stereotypes too:

NuffSaidSam · 23/10/2024 12:23

Yeah, it's complete rubbish.

It's what people with poorly behaved boys tell themselves rather than facing up to the possibility that their child has additional needs and/or they're just not a very effective parent.

AnellaA · 23/10/2024 12:23

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon really never any disobedience? My MIL says all her three boys were all impeccably behaved as kids.

One lacks imagination, one has emotional difficulties as an adult, the other has grown up to be an average human being.

I do believe there was never any disobedience but I wonder how that’s achieved.

EsmeSusanOgg · 23/10/2024 12:23

I have two boys. But I have to agree on the stereotyping. There are some differences, but frankly many of the kids at my oldest's age (6) all play the same. And more than a couple of kids gets very loud, very quickly (I'm sure we all have the post playdate trauma to confirm this!).

hangingonfordearlife1 · 23/10/2024 12:23

having had 2 girls followed by a boy...a boy toddler is bloody mental and soooo different to what i was used to. However 2 teenage girls are a different kind of mental and hope the boy will not have these hormonal issues

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:22

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 23/10/2024 12:17

I’m a ‘boy mum’.

I’ve never dealt with any disobedience, dangerous behaviours or negative behaviours.

It’s how you bring your children up, it’s not down to their gender.

It sounds like an excuse for poor parenting.

Well no, because if your children have never exhibited any disobedience then that means you didn't have to put any work into them being like that, they were like it naturally.

If it was purely down to your parenting, then they would have exhibited disobedience, dangerous behaviour etc., and you would have have gradually trained it out of them through lots of hard parenting.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 23/10/2024 12:22

Totally agree, and we have four, two girls and two boys.

Two (one girl and one boy) and very noisy, boisterous, tree climbing chaos causing, mess making, and two (one girl and one boy) are far less like that (although they have their moments!)

5128gap · 23/10/2024 12:22

No one knows for sure. Its dowm to belief and opinion. All we have are some mothers own unique experience with their own unique children. It would take a great deal more robust research than some anecdotes about people with quiet sons and noisy daughters or vice versa to identify if there really were commonalities around behaviour based on sex. Personally, i could give you true anecdotes about my DC to support either position dependent on which side of the debate i felt like taking.
For the most part we see what we want to see and create the reality we prefer. So if you prefer to think children conform to sex based behaviour patterns you will no doubt be predisposed to spot them. Just as if you reject the idea, you will probably put some effort into steering your children away from the stereotypes.

littleburn · 23/10/2024 12:21

YANBU. Honestly, all this 'boy mum' 'girl mum' stuff is just social media clout chasers trying to elevate a perfectly normal part of their existence (raising children) into an identity with a hashtag. Maybe me and my friends are the weirdos, but we're just raising kids and not constantly comparing/trying to claim a better or harder experience on the basis of our children's chromosomes.

Wellingtonspie · 23/10/2024 12:20

The whole “boy mum” life thing was just a hashtag to fight back against the whole oh no when will you have another. Shame you didn’t get a girl. Oh not another boy.

Any child can be loud and annoying or sit quietly colouring. It’s personality. Some cases parenting if you get onto the feral feral ones.

My boy is calmer than my girls.