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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think a lot of this “boy mum” stuff is a load of sexist nonsense?

292 replies

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:01

I’m always hearing people (on social media and in real life) talking about being “boy mums”, mostly saying how hard it is to raise boys as they are always being dangerous, loud, disruptive and disobedient, the tacit implication being that girls are quiet, do as they are told and that raising them is easy.

I have two girls, and I am not exaggerating when I say every single posts, video or anecdote of the supposedly “dangerous, madcap antics” “boy mums” have to deal with is something my girls do regularly. I’m thinking mostly of toddler/young children stuff. For example, I saw a video the other day of a child around 18 months trying to climb over a cardboard box and then tumbling off it (soft landing, no danger whatsoever), with a caption saying something like “see, this is what boy mums have to put up with!” and I’m just like… isn’t that just totally normal toddler behaviour for both sexes?? When my girls were that age I felt like they spent every minute of every day trying to climb up everything. My cousin posted one last week of her 3 year old splashing in some mud with a comment about being a “boy mum” and it was just such a massive eye-roll. As if little girl toddlers don’t love splashing around in mud every chance they get, too!

It's mostly just eye-rolling stuff, but it does actually sometimes annoy me, because I sometimes feel like people are assuming parents of girls have some sort of blessed easy life where we’re just sitting around getting our hair brushed, or relaxing while our perfect little angels play dollies, while “boy mums” are actually doing hard work, which is so far from the truth that it annoys me. My girls both come home from school/nursery covered in mud every day, they act like they are allergic to doing as they’re told, they climb, they jump, they playfight – and as far as I’ve seen of other girls, they are totally normal in this regard.

My in-laws especially are big on the whole “boys are loud and dangerous and misbehave and girls are quiet and obedient” thing (to the point where it comes up in conversation every time we see them🙄), and the weird thing is, our nephews on that side actually happen to be naturally very placid, introverted and timid, while it’s our girls who are climbing the walls, being rambunctious and rarely do as they’re told without a struggle. And yet still they go on about how boys are so “naughty” and hard work, and "girls don't misbehave" (verbatim quote from MIL!!!!) which I just find a bit insulting really, because if what they are saying is true, then it stands to reason that either we must have an easy life, or we must just be rubbish parents, because girls are supposed to be “naturally obedient” and yet we still have to put loads of work into getting ours to behave, so how hopeless must we be?

So, what’s the consensus? Is it true that boys are naturally naughtier and harder work, or is it sexist nonsense?

(For the sake of the poll, let’s stick to thinking about little children rather than older kids/teens.)

OP posts:
Icantbuystrawberries · 23/10/2024 12:54

I disagree and agree. I have both sexes as children and while some of it will be down to personality and upbringing.

There is scientific papers that show boys are more risk taking more than girls. I also think females being the weaker sex physically years ago developed a different way to manage situations and thats mentally. Girls are more manipulative (not in a horrible way just more calculated than boys). Overall boys are more risky and girls more mentally switched on in social situations.

However I disagree that this can be used to justify bad behaviour or extreme behaviour. Not all boys are the same and risk taking will be a sliding scale that overlaps with some girls

Icedlatteofdreams · 23/10/2024 12:53

It's just more sexist bs designed to keep women and girls quiet and obedient from a young age. I have one of both and it couldn't be further from the truth - my DD is wild and always has been, a dare devil, confident and very physically able. My DS is quiet, unassuming, mainly obedient, scared of lots of things.

Snorlaxo · 23/10/2024 12:51

Of course it’s a temperament thing. For every boy who’d rather sit and read in a cosy blanket, there’s a girl who loves running and climbing as if she’s in training for Ninja Warrior.

pinkorchid1 · 23/10/2024 12:51

My DDs are so different- one can draw and craft for hours. The other one is always covered in scrapes and bruises from throwing herself around. It's personality, not sex. Interestingly my friend who is a boy mum of 3 thinks I have it harder. She thinks her boys are much simpler to please and entertain without having to deal with the up and down emotions of girls. Although, I'm sure there are many boys out there who are just as emotional. I think toddlers and kids up to the age of about 5 or 6 basically all behave the same regardless of sex. But as they get older there are clearly general differences in the behaviour of boys and girls with the onset of hormones etc.

Deadringer · 23/10/2024 12:51

I hate all this gender cliched shit, lots of 'girls mum' stuff with make up messes or whiny behaviour too (sure, boys never whine🙄). I have 4 girls and one boy, and he is the quietest and most easy going of my dc and always has been. However I do think there are some differences in behaviour especially when groups of children get together, when I worked in a preschool there was a core group, almost all boys, that needed more outdoor time than the rest of the children to work off their excess energy.

Whatsitreallylike · 23/10/2024 12:50

I agree with you based on my experience. I was in soft play the other day and a mum friend was saying how boisterous her son was and how he’s always getting into trouble. Cue my DD, same age, body slamming her DS in the ball pit 3 minutes later! Apparently he wouldn’t move over. 😱
I do notice a difference in some though. DD will sit and play longer with certain activities, but I think that’s because they mature faster than boys.

GeneralPeter · 23/10/2024 12:50

Also, "X is a stereotype" is a pretty big clue that X is probably, on averages, true.

Stereotype accuracy is one of the most solid results in sociology.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/insight-therapy/201809/stereotype-accuracy-displeasing-truth?amp

VioletCrawleyForever · 23/10/2024 12:48

I have one of each and completely agree with you OP. They are different because of their personalities and interests.

Boy mum / Girl mum stuff is lazy stereo-typing and frankly harmful to children and young people by continuing to perpetrate stereotypes and prejudice.

Beezknees · 23/10/2024 12:47

YANBU. I have a DS and he's always been an absolute dream.

midgetastic · 23/10/2024 12:46

MorrisZapp · 23/10/2024 12:44

If boys and girls are just the same really, when does the difference kick in? I mean for instance, if like me you support a womens right to single sex spaces because men are an existential threat?

Puberty does create physical innate differences

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 23/10/2024 12:45

MorrisZapp · 23/10/2024 12:44

If boys and girls are just the same really, when does the difference kick in? I mean for instance, if like me you support a womens right to single sex spaces because men are an existential threat?

After (i) puberty (ii) exactly the sort of toxic differential conditioning that reinforces assertive behaviour in boys and passive behaviour in girls as 'natural'. Bye all, I'm off to fume over my lost chances at football.

MorrisZapp · 23/10/2024 12:44

If boys and girls are just the same really, when does the difference kick in? I mean for instance, if like me you support a womens right to single sex spaces because men are an existential threat?

elliejjtiny · 23/10/2024 12:43

I have 5 boys and I get this the other way round! I get told I have it easy because I don't have to spend hours doing their hair, or trying to find clothes for them that don't look like clothes for teenagers going clubbing, or dealing with hormonal sulks, etc etc.

My boys aren't badly behaved but they are loud and lively.

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 23/10/2024 12:43

I should unwatch this thread because I feel really strongly about it after being denied access to the sports I wanted to play (and my brother was no good at).

StepawayfromtheLindors · 23/10/2024 12:43

Never heard this phrase until now. Sounds like unnecessary, unhelpful, sexist drivel.

Yet another reason to be glad not to have SM.

Disturbia81 · 23/10/2024 12:43

I've had the easiest time being a parent to my boys, and hearing horror stories of the difficulties of girls.

Conversely my mum had the easiest time with me and my brothers caused her a lot or trouble and stress.

Basically it's an individual thing.

Garlicnaan · 23/10/2024 12:42

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:22

Well no, because if your children have never exhibited any disobedience then that means you didn't have to put any work into them being like that, they were like it naturally.

If it was purely down to your parenting, then they would have exhibited disobedience, dangerous behaviour etc., and you would have have gradually trained it out of them through lots of hard parenting.

Well said!

Although putting a lot of time into parenting from the start can mean you have a naturally more compliant child.

SallyWD · 23/10/2024 12:41

My DS has always been much quieter and self contained than my DD who is loud, boisterous, very active, and messy.

midgetastic · 23/10/2024 12:41

No boys don't have more destructive energy

But adults think they do so turn a blind eye to behaviour they would clamp down on if it was a girl

Seen it over and over again

And boys are like this girls are like that stereotypes is such a load of crap when you don't fit the stereotype, it makes your life so much harder than it should be.

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 23/10/2024 12:39

As soon as it's announced that someone is 'expecting a girl', even before birth that child's life chances will be dampened and cottonwool-balled and pinkified. I love Marianne Grabrucker's writing in this area, especially her diary of parenting a girl.

sarahsandy · 23/10/2024 12:38

I have a boy and my sister has a girl, whilst all toddlers have the same characteristics in terms of needing a lot of attention, making a mess, being a bit hard work etc, from my experience boys have A LOT more energy, are louder and less likely to concentrate on an activity and I think the term 'boy mum' is just eluding to these things. Which really do make parenting harder work!

Fevertreelover · 23/10/2024 12:37

I’ve two of each and the girls were harder work to parent than the boys🤷

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/10/2024 12:37

I don't go on Facebook, Insta etc, so I don't suffer from "boymum" stuff.

But I absolutely 100% think there are differences between boys as a cohort and girls as a cohort, and I think boys on average have more destructive physical energy and need to be exercised more. I didn't start out with that perception, but it has become clear to me with time. Which is not to say I think girls are easier at all - I just think the issues are different.

SnapdragonToadflax · 23/10/2024 12:36

Agreed, I hate it. I do have a boy who was a kamikaze handful as a toddler, but my two closest NCT friends had girls and they were just as mad.

I actually have a real problem with school at the moment, as the boys in his class (Y1) seem to be very into play-fighting, and he's getting hurt regularly. I keep asking them to keep an eye out at breaktimes, and they say 'Oh boys will be boys'. No! Stop them bloody fighting!

Amyknows · 23/10/2024 12:36

Well if you look at this nonsense - where does it come from - women.