Tw: abuse and I apologise for the length, I guess I needed context
Background: My son’s dad was abusive, including when I was pregnant. I fled when pregnant and didn’t allow contact due to the abuse and his threats of unaliving me when pregnant and telling me I was just the incubator and I should say goodbye to my child whilst he was in me because I was never going to see him again when he was born. Obviously no sane person would allow contact. He took me to court and courts enable abusers and gave him everything he asked for (every other weekend). I am terrified when my child goes there as I cannot protect him if his dad abuses him too, the entire reason of why I left.
anyway, my issue is that almost 6 years later, I still have severe ptsd/cptsd from the abuse I endured. This is made worse by the fact that courts enabled him and when I asked for a third party to do handovers on my behalf, ex said he ONLY wanted to see me and courts ordered ‘NO third party allowed’. I also have to communicate with him and I just feel on edge as I cannot escape. Our son is on the pathway of being diagnosed with autism among other medical issues. His dad keeps trying to tell me that he’s his dad and he has a right to be at the medical appointments with me. I’m our sons main carer, I have him 27 days a month in comparison to his dads 3. I know all the information for the appointments. If his dad was there, I would be too anxious and scared to be able to communicate with the relevant people - so I have continued to deny his dad access to these appointments. He would not have anything to add and he would just be getting the information that I communicate with him via text anyway. I know I would try to speak and he would ‘correct’ me and berate me after the appointments.
i have also denied sports day and plays for the same reason, I don’t want my abuser to ruin the experience of me having to have panic attacks and leaving the room because his dad is there and me not be able to experience this time with my son. Plus, he’s never even stepped foot in our child’s school (he refused to do pick up or pay for childcare as he has to ‘work’). So if he cannot do the ‘boring’ things, why should he be entitled to the ‘fun’.
Despite my ptsd because of him, I still communicate and keep him in the loop with my everything concerning our son. But he keeps pushing and pushing and making threats of phoning the school, doctors etc. it’s not because he’s concerned about our son, it’s because he wants control and I’m not giving him that anymore. I am trying to be the best parent for my son as his full time parent, but dealing with his dad is impacting my mental wellbeing. Am I wrong to deny him coming to these even though I update him?