For us all to miss family wedding

If it were just the toddler that might make people wonder why 2 adults can't manage or husband go & Op manage at home with just toddler.

That said, if they don't want to go because they don't want to have to pay for & have a week away at wherever it is, surely that's also good enough?

It's their time & money to do with as they please.

Every damn week there's a thread on here about people who think that their wedding must be the central point of everyone else's life.

I swear, if I ever win the lottery, I will pay for a national billboard campaign with posters saying "You can get married wherever you like, but you can't demand that other people pay £££ and use their annual leave to be there"

Someone really called op lazy wow lol

You know what’s lazy. Thinking your wedding is the bee all and end all. Demanding that guests must attend because family without a thought to their lives and finances. Without thinking that people with toddlers or even just of an age where they could get pregnant might be trying to be.

Very lazy planning on behalf of the bride and groom.

When you marry overseas you have to accept many loved ones won’t be able to make it, it’s a fact of life.

The toddler reason is good enough on its own though tbh. The grandparents have clearly forgotten what it is like to have a toddler, as have some people on this thread apparently. Perhaps in a few years' time when the bride and groom have a toddler of their own, they'll understand for themselves why expecting someone to fly long haul with a toddler and then go to a wedding the next day (where the toddler may well be unable to nap), miss the evening reception because the toddler is in bed and then fly home again is a big ask.

Try reading your own post.

You said it's really natural they would think she's lazy and selfish, indicating that it's the norm to default to such negative thinking. Not being able to travel so far with a toddler - in fact any reason for not being able to travel - is always fine as it's within the judgement of the person doing the travelling.

The OP has already said she doesn't want to tell them about her pregnancy, so why introduce your wholly negative comment projecting what others will 'naturally' judge her to be? I would hope that explaining that they can't travel due to their toddler is fine as a place-holder, and in time they can tell the couple about the pregnancy and again, it will all be fine.

It's funny how people read things and then say "you are suggesting..." inserting something opposite to what you said, implied or suggested ... try reading.

TWO THINGS
Sister thinks:
they are not going because "it wouldn't work with a toddler". Clearly people make plane journeys with toddlers often - so it isn't surprising sister is offended.
The real reason is:
OP will have just had a complicated birth and have a very young baby, because not travelling abroad post partum with a young baby is very sensible, probably even medically advised.

OP seemed to be worried about what the family thinks. So I was saying yes I get why the family might not be that sympathetic to the reason they have given.

Maybe she ought to tell them the real, absolutely sensible reason. I was kind of presuming that OP is concerned/upset about the family maybe thinking they are "too lazy" to go, because otherwise she would presumably not have posted.

but if you aren't lazy and care about the people getting married you could very much do it.

After a Csection, with a newborn and a toddler?
Don't be ridiculous @stichguru

So.......you are suggesting that OP and her DH are lazy and selfish for maybe not wanting to use the toddler excuse as to why they may find a venue abroad that is difficult to access in terms of distance, time, and expense?
This is one of the most patronising posts so far on this thread.
Well done!

@apothecarist ignore all the posters who had a section then ran a marathon a week later and think that you can do the same.

A section is major abdominal surgery, not to be taken lightly. Do what is best for you and your family. and congratulations.

'really natural'? Maybe if they're ignorant and spiteful (or lazy and selfish). How supportive of you.

What a truly hideous reply.

Two people asking people to spend thousands and give up their annual holiday for their wedding - fine

A woman not wanting to travel long distances or be left alone with a newborn baby weeks after having major abdominal surgery- lazy and selfish.

Your priorities are wild.

Because it’s so easy to get lots of rest with a newborn baby after abdominal surgery. Sure it’s practically a spa break

And if it was held in this country it would be equally difficult for the bride's family and friends. So can we knock this 'blaming the couple for not having a destination wedding' thing on the head?

The bride IS getting married at home. It is not a destination wedding. It's a wedding on the country that is her family's home.

This wedding will inconvenience half of the couples relatives, wherever it's held.

If your husband is reluctant to go because of toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or not wanting to be away from you and doesn’t want to miss his own time with the baby, then that’s all that matters. His feelings are very normal and natural and perfectly reasonable.

It doesn’t matter if there are people on mumsnet who claim that they could leave their newborn baby for 3 days (a lot of parents don’t want to leave their newborn and that is perfectly natural) or they were fine to travel long haul with a toddler by themselves.

Every mum and dad I have known in real life, in the early weeks of the newborn stage are absolutely shattered, exhausted, fatigued, sleep deprived. I could see it in my friends and family but it wasn’t until I had my dc did I actually fully understand it.

It is very understandable that under those circumstances your dh is reluctant to go.

The number of pp’s going to so much effort to trivialise birth, newborn phase and being a parent to toddler and baby is sad. I wonder how many of these pp actually have children.

Yes

Your pregnancy means you shouldn't travel at the time of the wedding. What you say is up to you, but the pregnancy reason sounds solid. Travelling with a toddler is obviously harder than travelling without, but if you aren't lazy and care about the people getting married you could very much do it. It's obviously up to you who you tell when about the pregnancy, but if you are going to use the toddler excuse, it's really natural that people think you are rather lazy and selfish.

To be honest, if it’s less than 2 months after the birth, the logistics are irrelevant- you are unlikely to get a passport in time for the new baby.

Tell your DHs sibling about the baby, that it will be just a few weeks old and as such, you will be unable to travel internationally as you are unlikely to be able to get the baby registered and a passport in time. It’s not that you don’t want to go, it’s not that the travel will be difficult it’s not that the toddler will be tired, those are all true - but the important thing is you can’t take the baby out of the country so you can’t go.

the total misery fest that the DH travelling to the wedding with the toddler would be
But it's the impact on her that's the substantive issue. Travelling with a toddler doesn't have to be hell - but that's a more minor consideration in this case.

she wouldn't have "just" given birth anyway, she would be over a month from giving birth
The OP has said it will be a few weeks after - so not 'over a month'. Maybe you haven't had a c-section but most advice is that recovery usually takes 6-8 weeks if the surgery is without complications.

EG https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/giving-birth/caesarean-section/recovering-home-after-c-section
"It usually takes about 6 weeks to recover from your c-section but this will depend on your individual situation. If you had any problems during or after your c-section, or if you’re looking after other children at home, you may feel you need more time to recover."

And so what if you think the DH will be back at work? Do you think he won't be there in the evenings? Maybe the OP had bad PND last time. Maybe she doesn't have any other support. Maybe her DH is a baby whisperer and she needs him to take over when he gets home. It doesn't really matter at all what you or anyone else thinks - if the OP wants him there when recovering from a C-section and with a baby that's just a few weeks old, than that should be his priority.

Jesus holy fuck what is wrong with people?

OP knows when her baby is due and when that is in relation to this wedding. So if she says a few weeks, it's a few weeks.

Her husband doesn't even want to go to the fucking wedding, as stated more than once so I really don't understand why people are still so adamant that OP must find a way for him to attend.

OP doesn't have to tell anybody about the pregnancy before she wants to. The family can either accept they can't go or not, but them not going doesn't change so they're not actually impeding any plans.

Anyone can decline any invitation for any reason. Even moreso when said invitation is for an event in another country, requiring annual leave and silly sums of money to be spent to attend.

If your partner would leave you a few weeks post section to go to a party for a few days then you have a shit partner.

And to be clear - I understand that some people think your DH shouldn't go even if the baby is over a month old and that's their opinion. Some people wouldn't be happy even if the baby was 6 months old. Also an opinion they are entitled to have.

But some posters were just basically making stuff up and talking about it as if you would be giving birth at the time of the wedding or immediately post partum and it does make a difference.

As I have said, my DH did a non essential but desirable work trip for a week when my second was 5 weeks. I didn't enjoy every moment but it was ok. I would have said no if my second had been a week old or he had run the risk of missing the birth by going.

Ignore these people @apothecarist You don't have to explain yourself to ANYONE on here. Even if your baby is 5 weeks old, or even 3 months old, or even 6 months old when the wedding is happening, you still have the right to refuse to go. Especially given the fact that you will have a toddler too!

The logistics of getting to/attending this wedding sound like a nightmare from how you've described it! If your DH's sibling and their partner want to get all butthurt and salty about you not going, then let them.

Like many people who have destination wedding, they sound precious and entitled. Snubbing you and not talking to you since you said you weren't going. You've told them you're not going. They need to get over it and grow up.

.

Apologies if I made you feel that way.

I just do think there is an important difference between a few weeks later and a risk of missing the birth/few days afterwards etc which some posters were mistakenly running with