For us all to miss family wedding

I think that's a bit dramatic tbh. Most of us here will have had babies. I could have spared my DH for a few days, with months of warning to arrange help, for a once in a lifetime event. If you couldn't, fine, but lots of people could.

It's MN. You will always have a few posters who have an irrational hatred of weddings in general, and faint at the idea of not having the wedding held on their own doorsteps - regardless of where any of the rest of the family might live.

Shock horror that someone dares getting married with a non-local partner 😂

I am glad I have never met anyone so bitter, grumpy and self-centred in real life.
Miffed if they are invited, even more miffed if they are not.

Meanwhile, a birth due around a wedding, with higher risk than normal of a c-section (every birth can end in a c-section anyway) is enough reason not to travel, no need for the drama and secrecy.

Could your DH go with the toddler and his parents? I'm sure they can manage between the 3 of them.
Then you stay at home with the baby.

I agree too.
As other PPs have pointed out, people are entitled to get married wherever they wish to.
They are not entitled to demand that potential guests travel hundreds/thousands of miles to an overseas destination. That's selfish and narcissistic.
But what I can't get my head around is that some PPs have advised that DH should go, either alone or with toddler, to a destination that's not easy to get to.
Really?
OP is due to give birth a few weeks before the wedding.
Are you guys for real?
@apothecarist I feel upset for you that you may have to reveal your pregnancy sooner than you would have wished, just to have to justify why you can't go to this wedding. Obviously you have to decide when to tell your in-laws.
I think they're already being unreasonable by calling you out for feeling the trip could be too arduous for a toddler.
And you hope they would accept that it would be ok for you not to go once they knew about your pregnancy? Wow, wouldn't that be big of them? (Yes, the sarcasm is intentional).
Well, It's your DH's sibling's choice to get married in this remote location.
Put yourself and your family first and don't be guilt-tripped under any circumstances, whatever you decide.

I also think you should strenuously resist any family suggestions of DH going on his own or with toddler. Its one of the main times in your life where you are going to NEED him to be physically present and on hand for emotional and physical support. An overseas wedding simply doesn't outweigh that.

There is always uncertainty around a birth and how everyone feels afterwards and how much recovery time they need. DH family will just have to accept that. I find it hard to think that they wouldn't have some appreciation for this.

You want the security of knowing that you have DH's backup. Not the insecurity of wondering what you would do if this, or if that. With a blooming C section you are going to need your DH's care. No question. I am fully sympathetic to the fact that single mothers may or may not have access to that kind of support and still manage, because they have to. But when you do have the support available, why deny yourself?

The only priority here is that you and your DH do what is best for the health and comfort of both of you, your new baby, and your toddler - not worry about relatives disapproving.

When you are all recovered and feeling mobile you can ALL get together with them and celebrate then.

OP - a c section with a toddler is tough to cope with. If does depend on how far post birth you are when the wedding is if you are considering dh going alone. I would say a flat no in the first fortnight. After that, only if you have help from your family. My dh going back to work after his pat leave finished when I had dc2 by c section was the toughest week - it’s so much harder to recover with a toddler to entertain.

To be fair @HoppingPavlova its not a destination wedding - it’s where the brides family is from and their family live.

so they aren’t asking all their guests to travel, they are only asking his side to travel. If they got married near the OP, they would be asking all the other side to travel.

I do think telling them soon is a good idea- if the flights are going to be a problem for guests and the venue they want can’t be booked for midweek, and the grooms sibling can’t go due to a new baby, it might trigger a rethink about when and where the wedding happens.

you are obviously missing the point that we are questioning if access is genuinely limited to once a week - very unlikely with all the criteria given, or if there's only one DIRECT flight a week.. and there's a lot of excuses being used.

Not talking about c-section around the wedding, but unless you are honest about it, not travelling with a toddler etc is nonsense and the sibling is right to be pissed of.

It was also be a hard NO from me. If people choose to have overseas weddings they have to accept it won't work for everyone. And definitely not the OP and family, under the circumstances

But I’d add op they need to know. Just ask them to keep it very quiet, referencing your previous complications.

I

She’ll be alone with newborn. It’s just unfortunate timing. These things happen.

Do you have any family of your own @apothecarist ? If it was me I’d want my DH to go but I’d have the support of my own parents to help with baby and toddler.

I’d also tell them I was pregnant rather than lying to family.

Also I think only one person has pointed out.

How will all this come across to the toddler.

So option one everyone stays home. Toddler has mummy and daddy and baby and that’s a learning curve anyway.

option two. Mummy has a new baby and daddy disappears for a week.

ontion three. Mummy has a new baby and daddy and him go away from mummy for a week.

I don’t think option two or three are in best interests of the toddler even is we forget about op and the baby.

Agree but tbh it doesn't really matter. Heavily pregnant or newly post c section OP can't fly. DH should be at home with his family supporting OP. If heavily pregnant he can't risk missing birth, if after he shouldn't be leaving his wife after major surgery. If she'd been in a car accident they wouldn't be expecting him to fly and leave her looking after one or more kids alone. Why should c section be different?

They chose to get married arse end of nowhere with one flight a week.

This is the obvious answer OP.

The only other one is for DH to go with your toddler, on the proviso that if the birth isn't straightforward and you need more support, then he might have to pull out.

But it won't be a couple of days - the flights are one per week, so will be at least 7 days. OP will have had a c-section, so not only and newborn to contend with, but as toddler as well. It is not being helpless it's called wanting your husband/partner to be there with you to help deal with something they have a part in!

I think lots of people read only the first rep once and no other.

Op will of recently given birth via a c section; have a toddler.

The wedding is in a place with one flight a week getting there at around midnight. I think this part alone is bonkers. Expecting all your guests to basically take a week off work for your wedding. Take children out of school? Sorry but sibling or not that’s asking a huge amount.

again op should not have to rope in another family member or friend to help her and her newborn because of a week long wedding vacation. If his family expect or demand attendance it should be an easy to get to location and should have checked dates works for all before booking.

Well it was a pretty daft one and the OP probably won't want to answer in case it's outing.

You will tell them of the pregnancy at some point and I hope they will then be understanding.

Your DH has been reasonable in saying no now, not waiting until later, even though not the whole reason.

Hope the pregnancy goes well.

thanks, we know that. That wasn't the question.

My thoughts exactly.

Why are people struggling to understand that

have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.
means the baby will be born before the wedding?

I’ve lost count of the number of replies saying that OP “will be heavily pregnant”.

How much more clearly could she have put it?

But this ignores the social convention that families actually talk to each other and share detail about their decisions. It is absolutely fine not to go to your sibling’s destination wedding. But unless you hate your sibling and are already low contact, it is not fine to say no without any explanation. Honestly, this place is like a parallel universe sometimes.

Who on earth thinks it's okay to leave a post partum woman alone with a newborn and a toddler? Especially after having a c section? Come the fuck on. I was in hospital for nearly a week after mine, DS was poorly. I'd say having a baby is more important than a wedding.