Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For us all to miss family wedding

593 replies

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 07:51

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

OP posts:
kiraric · 23/10/2024 13:16

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 13:15

How lovely for you that it was an absolute DREAM travelling extensively with your toddlers! 🙄 The reality for many is nothing like this. The description on the post I quoted will be more like the reality for many.

This thread is batshit!

Show quote history

I very clearly didn't say it was a DREAM. It's not easy but neither is it a misery from start to finish.

independencefreedom · 23/10/2024 13:16

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 13:07

Amen to this. ^ It's very clear which posters on this thread do not, and never have had children/toddlers!

Show quote history

AND the toddler is probably going to be tetchy anyway due to the arrival of a new baby and their mum having already been in hospital/busy with the baby. No. Way.

I know MN is often full of people who ran a marathon within a week of giving birth and like to competitively preen about it not being that big a deal, but a C-section is different, and everyone has the right to feel safe, secure and supported around the time of having a baby. Whatever that is foreseeable that interferes with that needs to take a back seat.

Trimalata · 23/10/2024 13:15

If my family were going to have long term resentment over missing a wedding to be with my post-surgery wife, 3 week old and toddler during an often difficult transition time, I would tell them all to grow the fuck up, frankly.

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:15

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 13:07

Amen to this. ^ It's very clear which posters on this thread do not, and never have had children/toddlers!

Show quote history

I have two, when I was a lone parent I regularly travelled abroad with a toddler, the above isn’t in anyway recognisable, oddly enough I have never been imprisoned while on holiday either. By four he’d done Japan, Spain, USA, France, Ibiza, Canada and Iceland, all with just me.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 13:15

kiraric · 23/10/2024 13:13

I think it's very clear which posters are drama queens and which are not!

I have flown with mine many times. It's not a bed of roses but the description you quote is just ridiculously over dramatic.

Show quote history

How lovely for you that it was an absolute DREAM travelling extensively with your toddlers! 🙄 The reality for many is nothing like this. The description on the post I quoted will be more like the reality for many.

This thread is batshit!

TENSsion · 23/10/2024 13:14

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 12:45

Thanks again, everyone. Having read through all the replies it is pretty clear that we'll need to navigate it quite carefully even having told them about the baby, as a lot of people would still expect DH to go. That is really helpful to know. He personally is very reluctant to go in the circumstances (toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or us being split - also missing his own time with the baby) but I appreciate from the responses we'll need to be delicate in how we approach it.

Edited

Me and my brother are very close. I would never expect him to leave his new born baby and post-surgery wife this to attend my wedding.
If you choose to have your wedding abroad, you have to accept that a few important people won’t be able to come.
He’d very selfish to expect your husband’s attendance and I think he’d be mortified looking back on it if/ when he has his own children.

cout · 23/10/2024 13:13

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 12:45

Thanks again, everyone. Having read through all the replies it is pretty clear that we'll need to navigate it quite carefully even having told them about the baby, as a lot of people would still expect DH to go. That is really helpful to know. He personally is very reluctant to go in the circumstances (toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or us being split - also missing his own time with the baby) but I appreciate from the responses we'll need to be delicate in how we approach it.

Edited

For the sake of avoiding long term family resentment, 2/3 days is nothing

kiraric · 23/10/2024 13:13

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 13:07

Amen to this. ^ It's very clear which posters on this thread do not, and never have had children/toddlers!

Show quote history

I think it's very clear which posters are drama queens and which are not!

I have flown with mine many times. It's not a bed of roses but the description you quote is just ridiculously over dramatic.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:10

burnoutbabe · 23/10/2024 13:03

we all know that a c section is planned in advance etc.

but no need to tell them that - you are due around the time of the wedding, could be early, could be late, you MAY need surgery so there is no way you (or even just him) can plan to book plane/hotels now as no idea if you will be available or not.

This is not a bad idea actually.

MummyJ36 · 23/10/2024 13:09

HotCrossBunplease · 23/10/2024 13:09

have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.
You do the maths…

Show quote history

Thank you for clarifying in a super friendly way 👍

HotCrossBunplease · 23/10/2024 13:09

MummyJ36 · 23/10/2024 13:06

Sorry OP I missed how old your baby would be at the time of the wedding?

The wedding isn’t in the Azores by any chance is it?? I know there’s only one direct flight there a week. You can go via Lisbon or Porto though indirectly if this was an option for DH to go alone?

I do understand his sibling being upset. Is there any chance of him going for 2 nights, taking the direct flight there and the indirect flight back? And maybe pre-arranging a family member to stay with you and support for those couple of days?

have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.
You do the maths…

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 13:07

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 12:39

All of this.

Can you imagine it? Waking your toddler before dawn to go to the airport, on your own with all the stuff both you and the toddler will need for the wedding and however many days you have to spend in this location. Toddler probably having a meltdown due to the disruption to their routine, not being able to take naps on their usual schedule etc. Then the next day you wake up in a strange place, possibly in a different time zone, possibly with unusual food your toddler decides not to eat. You go to the wedding, which probably clashes with when your toddler needs to nap. If your toddler has a meltdown during the ceremony due to all the above factors you have to take them out and miss it because you have no adult there with you to tag team. Rinse and repeat all day long. By the evening meal, your toddler: (a) has fallen asleep in a corner somewhere, (b) is having a meltdown due to exhaustion and too much excitement, or (c) has already been taken back to the hotel room, by you, which means you're missing the evening part as well and might as well have not bothered coming.

Then you wait however many days you're imprisoned in the wedding location until the next flight back home, do the whole journey in reverse, and return to your wife who has been all alone with the newborn.

It's absolutely bonkers that people are even suggesting this. I thought Mumsnet was a site for people who know a thing or two about having toddlers.

Show quote history

Amen to this. ^ It's very clear which posters on this thread do not, and never have had children/toddlers!

MummyJ36 · 23/10/2024 13:06

Sorry OP I missed how old your baby would be at the time of the wedding?

The wedding isn’t in the Azores by any chance is it?? I know there’s only one direct flight there a week. You can go via Lisbon or Porto though indirectly if this was an option for DH to go alone?

I do understand his sibling being upset. Is there any chance of him going for 2 nights, taking the direct flight there and the indirect flight back? And maybe pre-arranging a family member to stay with you and support for those couple of days?

HotCrossBunplease · 23/10/2024 13:04

Call me weird, but I would quite like to see my brother or sister get married and would feel disappointed or sad if I was unable to do that. I’m not sure why everyone is assuming that the OP’s DH sees this wedding as the biggest pain in the arse ever and is looking for any excuse not to go. In the real world he would know that he can’t go, but would also feel a bit sad about the bad timing and have enough empathy and emotion to understand that it’s a real shame/bad luck that circumstances will prevent it and his family are entitled to be disappointed. It’s understandable that the sibling and parents, who do not have all the information, feel that the DH is being a bit defeatist by saying the toddler will prevent them from going. All will become clear when it is the right time to share about the pregnancy and all will be fine at that point. So no need to turn this into an us v them massive family conflict.

burnoutbabe · 23/10/2024 13:03

we all know that a c section is planned in advance etc.

but no need to tell them that - you are due around the time of the wedding, could be early, could be late, you MAY need surgery so there is no way you (or even just him) can plan to book plane/hotels now as no idea if you will be available or not.

purplebeansprouts · 23/10/2024 12:59

HollyKnight · 23/10/2024 12:48

No they won't. Why would they? If anything they'll be more annoyed.

Show quote history

They'd be more annoyed that she's having a baby??

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 12:59

HollyKnight · 23/10/2024 12:48

No they won't. Why would they? If anything they'll be more annoyed.

Show quote history

Why would they be more annoyed?

purplebeansprouts · 23/10/2024 12:59

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 12:45

Thanks again, everyone. Having read through all the replies it is pretty clear that we'll need to navigate it quite carefully even having told them about the baby, as a lot of people would still expect DH to go. That is really helpful to know. He personally is very reluctant to go in the circumstances (toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or us being split - also missing his own time with the baby) but I appreciate from the responses we'll need to be delicate in how we approach it.

Edited

No they're shit if they expect him to abandon you after a c- section it's massive surgery

saraclara · 23/10/2024 12:58

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 12:39

All of this.

Can you imagine it? Waking your toddler before dawn to go to the airport, on your own with all the stuff both you and the toddler will need for the wedding and however many days you have to spend in this location. Toddler probably having a meltdown due to the disruption to their routine, not being able to take naps on their usual schedule etc. Then the next day you wake up in a strange place, possibly in a different time zone, possibly with unusual food your toddler decides not to eat. You go to the wedding, which probably clashes with when your toddler needs to nap. If your toddler has a meltdown during the ceremony due to all the above factors you have to take them out and miss it because you have no adult there with you to tag team. Rinse and repeat all day long. By the evening meal, your toddler: (a) has fallen asleep in a corner somewhere, (b) is having a meltdown due to exhaustion and too much excitement, or (c) has already been taken back to the hotel room, by you, which means you're missing the evening part as well and might as well have not bothered coming.

Then you wait however many days you're imprisoned in the wedding location until the next flight back home, do the whole journey in reverse, and return to your wife who has been all alone with the newborn.

It's absolutely bonkers that people are even suggesting this. I thought Mumsnet was a site for people who know a thing or two about having toddlers.

Show quote history

I know a lot about having toddlers. I even travelled with them. Nothing was as remotely dramatic as you imply.

Expats frequently make complex long haul flights with babies and toddlers. You make it sound like climbing Everest.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 12:57

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 12:45

Thanks again, everyone. Having read through all the replies it is pretty clear that we'll need to navigate it quite carefully even having told them about the baby, as a lot of people would still expect DH to go. That is really helpful to know. He personally is very reluctant to go in the circumstances (toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or us being split - also missing his own time with the baby) but I appreciate from the responses we'll need to be delicate in how we approach it.

Edited

He could say something like, "We can tell that you are upset that we can't come to the wedding and that you don't think having a toddler is a good enough excuse. The additional context is that @apothecarist is pregnant and due a couple of weeks before the wedding. Obviously she and the new baby won't be able to travel, and I'm not the kind of husband who would leave my wife to take care of a newborn alone in the aftermath of a C-section. Not to mention that if I did go without her, I'd have to bring the toddler, which means I'd most likely miss large parts of the wedding anyway as he obviously won't be able to go all day without a nap and then stay awake through an evening party. Sorry about the timing but there's nothing we can do. Perhaps we could have an alternative family celebration either before or afterwards in the UK for the people who aren't able to make it."

kiraric · 23/10/2024 12:55

ImustLearn2Cook · 23/10/2024 12:52

I’m really surprised at all the people saying the Dh should go. Most dad’s I know wouldn’t want to leave their newborn baby so soon. Dads love their babies too and want to bond with baby just as much as Mums do.

Of course they do.

But a few days apart isn't really a calamity. The OP has acknowledged that there are other flight options with connections so he could go for 2-3 days.

My DH did a non essential work trip for a week when DS2 was 5 weeks old and DS1 was 2. It wasn't the most fun for me but he is generally a very equal parent and it hasn't exactly affected their bond.

LoveWine123 · 23/10/2024 12:55

ImustLearn2Cook · 23/10/2024 12:52

I’m really surprised at all the people saying the Dh should go. Most dad’s I know wouldn’t want to leave their newborn baby so soon. Dads love their babies too and want to bond with baby just as much as Mums do.

He's not going away to war though....he's going to take a few days to attend his sibling's wedding and be back right after. being away from a baby for 3-4 days will not affect him bonding with the baby. The wedding is weeks after the baby is born too so it won't be a newborn.

saraclara · 23/10/2024 12:55

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 12:22

It IS bloody well bridezilla to piss and moan when because people won't attend though! Which is what I have been saying.

But you know that don't you? Wink

Show quote history

The bride hasn't pissed and moaned, either. Are you making up your own OP?

ManchesterLu · 23/10/2024 12:54

SunsetSkylane · 23/10/2024 07:58

Your husband should go.

Seriously? She's due a few weeks before the wedding.

You can go up to 2 weeks over.

What if she needs a c section and would then have to cope alone with a newborn and a toddler?

Also, as if the husband would want to go abroad when he's just had a beautiful, tiny baby.

Trimalata · 23/10/2024 12:53

"as a lot of people would still expect DH to go"

I honestly don't imagine that to be the case, outside of the MN supermums who'd cheerfully wave off their husbands ten seconds after giving birth to play golf or whatever because they don't need any help...

"Why isn't Dave here?"
"Maureen just gave birth three weeks ago"
"Ah, that explains it"

That's likely to be the extent of any judgment most people would pass.

Swipe left for the next trending thread