For us all to miss family wedding

Yeah, that's right around the time she'll probably be counting down the minutes until he gets home from work so she can catch a break.

I was addressing the people who were harping on about the total misery fest that the DH travelling to the wedding with the toddler would be.

And for the last time - she wouldn't have "just" given birth anyway, she would be over a month from giving birth. At that point her DH would be back at work anyway.

It's hardly about 'positive upsides' for the DH - it's more like negative downsides for his wife who has just given birth to his child if he isn't there

Not overly relevant when I was answering if I had ever flown with a toddler.

I honestly never understand why two people choosing to get married abroad can ever be annoyed when people choose not to attend. It is the drawback of getting married abroad! If I was OP I’d let them all get on with sulking and tell everyone about the pregnancy when you choose to. If they want to act like children that’s on them. I wouldn’t waste time trying to appease grown adults.

I haven't read all of the replies but I imagine how awful some of them are.

You are absolutely not in the wrong. Whilst wedding's are lovely and bla bla, you are pregnant and clearly shouldn't be flying so heavily pregnant.

You need your husband at home too so those ridiculous people telling him to go are foolish.

You've told them you can't go, so just leave it. Let them be mad. They likely won't be thrilled when you announce your pregnancy but who cares, they'll get over it.

Please just let this go. No point wasting any more energy on it. And huge congratulations on your pregnancy.

Exactly this. SO many utterly batshit responses on this thread about how it's just FINE to be swanning off around the world to a destination wedding, just DAYS after a fucking c-section, with a newborn and toddler in tow. And how soooooo many people do it. 🙄

No they don't. No-one I know would do this. So people can stop trying to pretend that they and everyone they know would!

@saraclara

Yet tens of thousands of parents travel abroad with their toddlers every year. Seriously, give it a break. This is Mumsnet. At least 90% of responders, at a guess, will have or have had toddlers.

The OP's situation is a COMPLETELY different scenario to just travelling abroad with toddlers and a newborn - though most people would not be daft enough to put themselves through this, despite your insistence that many would.

ALSO.

I don't know who you think you are, but you do NOT get to tell me to 'give it a break.' You're not the boss of the forum. Don't talk to me again. I'm done with you.

and giving birth has huge repercussions on the woman and the family!
surprised it needs spelling out…..
OP has experienced complications and will be having a C Section. This is major abdominal surgery.

Yes? I'm just answering your question. The sibling is not responsible for the behaviour of the family. Don't expect the sibling to feel a right idiot when they find out about the baby - which is what I was responding to. As far as they are concerned, they've been told their brother won't attend the wedding and that's it.

Do you have any help available from your side of the family OP?

I appreciate that this thread is not about whether or not DH could or should go. You just asked whether you should mention the pregnancy now, in the context of declining.

However, if the event got closer and your DH had a change of heart, could you get your own family involved to help at all? Had similar happened to us when my child was small I could very easily imagine my late Mum being only too happy to help my husband attend a sibling’s wedding, because she would have felt it was a very important occasion.

If they expect your DH to still go they're nuts. If you had a car crash a couple weeks before resulting in surgery and a hospital stay, no one would be expecting him to fuck off and leave you with a newborn and potentially toddler for a week. They'd tell you to leave him if he wanted to. Why does the fact it's a c section mean you don't deserve to be looked after by your DH?

He should be using his paternity leave and annual leave to spend as much time with you and his new baby as possible. Not wasting a week to go to a ridiculously inconvenient wedding in the arse end of nowhere several hours away.

Because a caesarean is a major abdominal surgery and she will still need his help 5-7 weeks later.
And that’s just the physical aspect of having a newborn, without going into the emotional aspects

The OP has already explained why she's not keen to announce early. Perhaps if the family had been less intrusive during her last pregnancy or if the couple could be trusted not to spread the news around, she would feel differently. She shouldn't feel bullied into sharing her pregnancy news earlier than she had planned in order to justify not going to a wedding in a difficult to reach location abroad. They've already said they're not going, finding out the "real" reason why in a couple of months' time as opposed to right now changes nothing in terms of organisation for the couple.

Because they left it months to explain why they wouldn't go to the wedding. It's unnecessary.

What about the brand new baby? Does she leave it at home?

Given it is his sibling, he should normally try to go, but depending on what exactly “a few weeks” means he just might not be available.

If you are having a C-section, you need to physically recover. It’s not just a matter of toughing it out for a few days. I know my C-section was more invasive than average, but the recovery was rough. I could not have been on my own for several days with just our newborn for the first 6 weeks and definitely not a newborn and a toddler. I couldn’t even safely carry the baby up and down the stairs for the first couple of weeks. DH had to move us from floor to floor of the house.

Another thought is it the actual legal ceremony (not all countries can marry you legally as a British citizen you can check) if not say dh (or you all) will go to their uk legal marriage ceremony.

this has got weird - planned c sections for medical reasons are usually planned for 38 weeks. If the baby is due a few weeks before the wedding then she will have had the baby probably a month before.

At least a month before - if not more like 6 weeks before. "A few" usually means 3-5 plus as you say likely c section at 38 weeks so the baby would be 5-7 weeks old.

I really don't understand why people are banging on about him risking missing the birth or her only just having had the baby

No

this has got weird - planned c sections for medical reasons are usually planned for 38 weeks. If the baby is due a few weeks before the wedding then she will have had the baby probably a month before. but that’s still not enough time to get a passport unless you are really on it, so she and the baby defiantly can’t go.

if the wedding is more like a month or so after the birth, and if she’s got family around who can help out, her dh could go for a few days (there’s only one direct flight a week, there are longer journeys and one man on his own could do the more complex journey to make it just 2-3 days away).

Telling the sibling getting married the truth now is the best option, it allows the DH to explain why it’s a definite no for the OP, and possibly if she’s got a straight forward birth and heals well he might be able to go, but this is why they can’t commit (and if numbers need confirming early, it’s a no).

I do understand the desire to be secretive about pregnancies early on but this is one of those occasions it’s just easier to be open and explain.

Did you miss the part about how long it takes to get to the venue and arriving at midnight, with a toddler, when the wedding is the next day and that's the shortest journey option.

Have you ever done an 18 hour journey alone with a toddler, arriving in a strange location after midnight, and then expected them to cope with a full day and evening at a wedding the next day without your partner for support, possibly whilst also dealing with jet lag?

Would you keep the toddler up late on the night of the wedding as well as the night before, or would you put them to bed and then stay with them, missing the rest of the wedding reception? Or would you put them to bed and rejoin the rest of the party, taking the risk that no harm would come to them?

Would you really expect your toddler to manage all of that without having a meltdown?

Would you expect to enjoy any of it?

Honestly, the mind boggles.

Of course. I have even flown with mine and taken them to weddings

I just don't understand why people keep making stuff up here - the OP has been pretty clear that the timings are such that there isn't a question of her DH missing the birth.

It's totally reasonable to have a different opinion about travelling when he will have a small baby without making stuff up.