First world birthday champagne problem, AIBU?

LilacWriter · 2024-10-22T22:38:32+00:00

My boyfriend who is from another country is cooking me a birthday meal. He asked what I wanted and I asked for my favourite dish by him. He replied saying he's decided on something else which is traditional from his country which is honestly not my favourite at all but I'm not going to be ungrateful. I got good champagne as a gift from my parents for us to have with the birthday meal (birthday and Christmas are the two times of year I have it) so I said I'll bring this and he says 'no we should have beer with the dish, it complements better" It's my birthday. I don't want effing beer! AIBU to enforce birthday champagne?

Original poster

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 14:50

Toomanyemails · 23/10/2024 14:28

I have roots in a Nordic country. The food is not great imo, nor the cake if you're not a big fan of cream. It's obviously nice for you to embrace his roots occasionally but on your birthday you should get to choose (and cake is for any time you fancy!)

Show quote history

Yeah, he feels a strong emotional connection to the food which I understand. And wants to share it with me.

But I agree the food isn't great!

OP posts:

Hillarious · 23/10/2024 14:30

LilacWriter · 22/10/2024 23:51

@ErrolTheDragon

I'll enforce the champagne but I think I'll feel quite spoiled saying I don't want the dish he wants to make.

I just wish he hadn't bothered asking if I had a 'birthday meal request' ffs. A cold meal on my birthday because it's the tradition where he's from. Great.

Can't you just have some chips with it?

Toomanyemails · 23/10/2024 14:28

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 12:00

He's from a Nordic country, I won't say much more than that

The cake features a lot of fruit and cream and sponge apparently

Show quote history

I have roots in a Nordic country. The food is not great imo, nor the cake if you're not a big fan of cream. It's obviously nice for you to embrace his roots occasionally but on your birthday you should get to choose (and cake is for any time you fancy!)

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2024 13:56

@LilacWriter

Sounds to me as if he would be the type to insist that all holidays/birthdays be done as he wants them done and/or spent with his family. I don't know how serious you are, but if you do plan a life together (especially with children) at some point I'd ask him how he foresees 'our family' spending those special occasions. Listen carefully to what he says and how he responds to suggested compromises.

Offcom · 23/10/2024 13:19

I hate being asked what I want and then getting what the other person wants to do instead. But I do want to drink something that actually tastes good with what I’m eating, so I would go with the beer and have the champagne with something that will bring out its best. Happy birthday?

Original poster

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 13:16

@BeensOnToost yeah well that's not going to work.

PPs are right, I should've spoken up straight away but I have now. Im not a wallflower at all and he knows that, so I'm not sure what has lead him to think I'll go along with what he wants. I'll keep an eye on it.

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:14

queenMab99 · 23/10/2024 13:10

At my house, on his birthday, it would be chocolate birthday cake with smarties all over it, for breakfast! If he complained I would just chant tradition! tradition! until he submitted. Then games of oranges and lemons, pass the parcel etc.
That'll teach him!

I want to do this for my birthday now.

Original poster

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 13:13

@queenMab99

Sounds 100% fair!

OP posts:

queenMab99 · 23/10/2024 13:10

At my house, on his birthday, it would be chocolate birthday cake with smarties all over it, for breakfast! If he complained I would just chant tradition! tradition! until he submitted. Then games of oranges and lemons, pass the parcel etc.
That'll teach him!

LlynTegid · 23/10/2024 13:09

You don't seem a good match to be honest.

BeensOnToost · 23/10/2024 13:08

LilacWriter · 22/10/2024 23:58

@Gatecrashermum we agreed we'd spend my birthday together so cancelling would be bad form and quite serious I think.

I was touched he asked if I had a request so I'm not impressed at his response. Even though in his response he's clearly putting a lot of effort in - but I really think hes projecting what he'd want for his own day.

Edited

He's putting in a lot of effort to get what he wants and show you that your birthday is all about him and doing things his way.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:07

LilacWriter · 22/10/2024 23:58

@Gatecrashermum we agreed we'd spend my birthday together so cancelling would be bad form and quite serious I think.

I was touched he asked if I had a request so I'm not impressed at his response. Even though in his response he's clearly putting a lot of effort in - but I really think hes projecting what he'd want for his own day.

Edited

I would tell him exactly this.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:06

It's not a first world problem, OP. He's not doing it for your birthday if he's completely disregarded what he knows you want. He's doing it for himself. I would be tempted to say you'll celebrate with him on a different day and then spend your actual birthday with a friend, eating the food you want and drinking your champagne.

Original poster

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 13:05

Retrogamer · 23/10/2024 12:59

YANBU
Do something similar for his birthday OP.
Ask what he wants, then immediately reply with " well, I'm going to make you jam sandwiches with party rings, we'll drink some horlicks to go with it."

I'm joking but you get the point.

Made me laugh! I'll bear it in mind.

I made suggestions and he chose one for his birthday this year.

OP posts:

CheekySwan · 23/10/2024 13:02

Take your champagne and have it before meal, have a beer with the meal he cooks, and take a desert of your choice and mix it up

horsesforcourses6 · 23/10/2024 13:02

PS don’t share your champagne he doesn’t deserve it!!

LoveWine123 · 23/10/2024 13:02

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 12:57

I told him I want to have the cake in the evening and questioned who said it had to be afternoon cake, he replied 'ok'. 😅

He's not a man for one word replies, so definitely in a small huff.

He told me his ex wife always went to his family for Christmas and when I asked why not the other way round he said because they didn't celebrate it. Maybe, but I do wonder if he's used to having it all his own way.

OP I'd definitely keep a watchful eye of how he handles differences of opinion. Not compromising and not considering your opinions would be a deal breaker for me. And specifically when it comes to the smaller things rather than the major questions.

horsesforcourses6 · 23/10/2024 12:59

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 12:57

I told him I want to have the cake in the evening and questioned who said it had to be afternoon cake, he replied 'ok'. 😅

He's not a man for one word replies, so definitely in a small huff.

He told me his ex wife always went to his family for Christmas and when I asked why not the other way round he said because they didn't celebrate it. Maybe, but I do wonder if he's used to having it all his own way.

Surely it’s everyone’s culture that the birthday person gets to have the day THEY want?

Im not really liking the sound of him OP

Retrogamer · 23/10/2024 12:59

YANBU
Do something similar for his birthday OP.
Ask what he wants, then immediately reply with " well, I'm going to make you jam sandwiches with party rings, we'll drink some horlicks to go with it."

I'm joking but you get the point.

Original poster

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 12:57

I told him I want to have the cake in the evening and questioned who said it had to be afternoon cake, he replied 'ok'. 😅

He's not a man for one word replies, so definitely in a small huff.

He told me his ex wife always went to his family for Christmas and when I asked why not the other way round he said because they didn't celebrate it. Maybe, but I do wonder if he's used to having it all his own way.

OP posts:

Lemonadeand · 23/10/2024 12:56

It sounds like small things now but times this by 1000 when you are planning a wedding, deciding various things about raising your children and the precedent is that he completely ignores and overrides your feelings and makes all the calls based on his own cultural norms.

horsesforcourses6 · 23/10/2024 12:55

I would do meal and beer with him (sounds a bit crap OP and I don’t think you’d be spoiled for saying you’d prefer him to make the meal you asked for - why on earth did he even bother asking??) and then plan a lovely evening with friends - maybe champagne at yours and then out for a nice meal? A nice excuse to get dressed up and have the birthday celebration you deserve!

AdaColeman · 23/10/2024 12:54

Well the cake and champagne will go together nicely, so have the champagne then, and then have what he suggests with the meal.
He does sound very controlling though, so watch out! 🥂 🍾 🥂 🍾 🥂 🍾

Onlyvisiting · 23/10/2024 12:51

LilacWriter · 23/10/2024 11:44

The good news is he was fine with and I'm getting the meal I want

Then I mentioned evening cake and he said 'cake is for the afternoon usually.'

He's treating my birthday as though I'm from his country with his traditions which I find weird!

It's your birthday, cake is for anytime from breakfast onwards 🤣. Normally I'd say bday cake would be mid morning or afternoon if you are spending the day together, but if you are working and relaxed cake as pudding suits you better then tell him that!
You have a choice i think, either take notes as to this isnhow he wants his birthday, or take notes and make sure you make him do all your traditions on his birthday 😆

gannett · 23/10/2024 12:46

Have you been going out long? If it's a relatively new relationship there's always the "going to show my new partner all the things from my culture that I'm really proud of" element, and some cultures are real sticklers about what food you have on what occasion, time of day etc. Also did you praise this dish a lot last time he made it? If so he may have thought you wouldn't have minded him making it again.

I don't think he should have asked you what you wanted if he had something else in mind - but it seems like once you actually said you didn't want the cold dish he was fine so that seems like a non-problem?

People should drink the booze of their choice. You drink champagne and he drinks beer. Also a non-problem. Most people have a booze preference for a good reason (ie, other things disagree with them).