Caustic friend

I think op was just trying to quickly set a scene as well you can in text to complete strangers.
There are lots of folk who work really hard but don't end up as financially secure as op, that's true.
But I think op's intention was to convey (to us) that they are not flashy people, sounding very similar in fact to your friends who wear it with good grace, as I'm sure op does irl.
Anyone trying to create a quick synopsis of their life online cannot caveat everything to say, 'that doesn't mean I don't think other people... '
Things are very different in person of course.
I wouldn't assume op believes less well off people haven't worked as hard as her from her post, nor assume she gives that impression irl.

If she continues you will need to distance yourself. I expect she's been told to fk off by others she's tried to bully

This. I suspect that rather than her only targeting you, she HAS tried this approach with others and has been given short shrift which is why she no longer does it because there is no "pay off" for her.

I know it can be hard if you arent used to it but you are going to have to stand up for yourself and let it be known you wont take this. I suspect she will try this approach on anyone new who comes into the group because it's her core personality. By staying silent you are tacitly letting her continue.

The choice is yours - either stand up to her or allow her to continue. I know which one I'd be choosing.

Regardless of the money side, which I think is clouding the issue, you need to call her out on her rudeness. Everytime. If you don't this will escalate as she's getting away with it. You sound reluctant to stand up for yourself which is making you her target.

A short sharp "that was very rude" should do the trick. She may push back but a moment of uncomfortableness for you will let her know how you feel.

If she continues you will need to distance yourself. I expect she's been told to f**k off by others she's tried to bully.

The fact that your hard work paid off, whilst other hard workers remain poor, does not negate your achievement. I think you sound modest and kind.

I have a neighbour (also a small community) who is always trying to provoke me. I now imagine the Magic Roundabout music whenever he is speaking, and find that helps me to just nod and smile benignly at him and takes the sting out of whatever nonsense he's spouting.

www.google.com/search?q=magic+roundabout+music&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:c2c5f4fb,vid:5cUwVLx8K9s,st:0

Yes. You sound very defensive about your wealth. But trying to defend it by saying you worked very hard for it, is 100 times more likely to offend people, than them simply observing your financial status. You're basically implying (assuming they don't have that kind of wealth) that they don't work hard or have your wisdom. In fact you're implying that many of those of us reading your OP don't have those virtues!

I had several friends who were very much better off than me, but they wore it with relaxed grace, which is how you should do it.

She's obviously not a friend. I agree with this, though. So tedious.

YABU to trot out the line “we’ve worked extremely hard” when talking about your wealth and privilege. Lots of low wage people work extremely hard

She sounds nasty, and you should have a word with her.
That said, I hate these sorts of comments as they imply other people don't work extremely hard:
We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today

There's a reason she's so nasty, and that is she gets away with it. Put her straight, she is definitely no friend and if she can dish it, she can take it.

Yes, this!

She's not your friend. You need to stand up for yourself and tell her she's being rude. And then walk away. Make it clear you're not going to put up with her nasty comments.

What a horrible person she is.
Clearly envious of you.
As others have said, be civil to her but politely call her out each time.
' Did you mean to be so rude?' Each time she is.

You sound like a lovely person, don't let her ruin the nice life that you have made for yourself. You deserve it .

Why are you friends with this horrid person? Surely your village is not so small that you have to be friends with everyone?
Just drop her quietly and be no contact from now on
Why on earth do people do this to themselves? Life is too short to put up with such nonsense

Say ''two things you can't buy - good manners and good friends''. Walk away and let her choose how she reacts.

Be very vague when she asks something.
"Where did you buy that jacket?" "Can't remember."
"Where are you going on holiday ?" "Haven't decided."
Give her nothing personal because she is bristling with jealousy and will use everything against you

when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish

Well when her attitude resembles cheap rubbish, I guess she has to try and dress it up in expensive clothes.

She sounds awful.

I'm currently having similar issue with a 'friend' and after 4 years of following the general (and wise) advice on this thread, I have now had enough. It is draining to be treated badly, be the bigger person and pretend not to notice/be affected by the behaviour. I think you can ignore it for so long but then it becomes a form of bullying after a while. Yes, other people might see it as well but they can't (and shouldn't) do anything about it so at some point we do have to say enough is enough. I agree with not involving or talking to others but I also think you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she is rude. Something along the lines of "It's a shame your private school didn't also teach manners."

I agree with PP about calling her out - she certainly deserves it, but if you are concerned about her gossiping to others about you and telling them that you are the rude one then I'd personally go super passive aggressive in retaliation, and I'd have some bloody good fun with it!

Eg. "I'd never wear such cheap rubbish" - I'd respond with a silent pause and a very concerned look and say "are you ok?" if she says yes, why, I'd say "you seem really quite upset about my shoes, are you REALLY ok?" then watch her splutter. If she comes out with more insults about the shoes I'd then say "can I help in any way, my shoes seem to be making you really, really angry- do you need someone to talk to?"

Next time she goes on about her education I'd say "Yes, you have mentioned this many times, is there something you'd like to talk about?- was it a bad experience?" and if she says no, it was wonderful then I'd say "oh thats good, its just that you keep mentioning it so I wondered if something bothered you about it?"

Frame everything you respond to her as a concern she isnt well - it will highlight her weird comments but equally if anyone asks you about it you can say "I'm a bit concerned about X, I hope she's ok, I have offered to chat to her if she needs anything". You will come out looking like a concerned friend and it will highlight that her comments are making her look well, quite mental really. The bonus is that for every insult she throws you, you deliberately misunderstand it and that will make her very frustrated and more likely to fluster her and out herself as nasty 😁

"Each to their own. Buying M&S means i can afford to donate to things that matter to me like building community and supporting the village events. Your shoes are lovely. Where did you get them...?"

This is the way. No edge, not passive aggressive but just factually telling her she has been rude. Then turn/walk away, carry on as you were. If she tries to come back at you, just say “No, I’m not discussing it, Margery, you were rude”.

When she says things like that, just look at her with a slightly amused expression. Don't give her a reaction. She is ridiculous.

If you're close with other people in the village, is there someone you can ask if you've done something to offend her? I'm as sure as I can be that you haven't, but it will open up an opportunity for the other friend to let you know what they think of her, whether it truly is you, or whether everyone else finds her unpleasant too.

That.

Something as blatant as calling your shoes cheap rubbish, doesn't deserve to be pussyfooted around.

Just say the above and then turn away and occupy yourself with something/someone else.

What do you do when she says these things? Do you say something awkwardly to fill the silence? If you can’t bring yourself to say ‘that was rude’, like a previous poster suggested, I think it’s better to just look at her with eyebrows raised and let her words just hang in silence.

She sounds truly awful and needs to wind her neck in. Difficult to escape people in a small community and if you confront she may well turn it on you in some way so you need to be careful how you do that. I would stay neutral if it was me. She’s obviously jealous of you and making herself feel better by putting you down. Other people will notice.

She is burning with jealousy.
The fact that she had privelages but isn't (I'm guessing) in as secure a position as you are.
You won't be able to charge her perceptions because it is everything to do with her own entitlement + resentments.

The best thing you can do is

• put her firmly out of the 'friend' box in your mind
• Treat her with exemplary civility but nothing beyond basic good neighbour level of warmth and no favours etc
• Every time she says something catty, expect it and have a stock phrase ready, something incredibly bland... pause briefly and say 'what an interesting point of view' and move on.
• Grey rock her (Google it if you don't know)
• If anyone talks about her remain entirely neutral and commit no comments to the conversation beyond mildly nodding along (so as not to create awkward politics between mutual friends)

Imagine being a professional floating above it all.
Don't engage, don't react, don't create rifts.

People will see what she's doing and what you're doing and they'll see for themselves who is just getting on with life and who has the knives out.