Caustic friend

The best advice I have been given for these types of situations is to kill them with kindness. It's hard to continue being so spikey when faced with unrelenting kindness, and if she does persist then she will just look like an idiot in front of anyone else who is present.

I imagine she is either extremely jealous of you or feels intimidated. When you can't avoid her and she makes nasty comments about where you buy things, why not ask her where she would get hers from and try and turn the focus on to her rather than you. When she talks about you splashing the cash with charities focus on how much time she gives to local causes. She can't be being mean to you all the time she's talking about herself!

this is going around, sums it up:

The ruder someone is to me, the more passively super nice I am to them (faux concern)
It really really drives them crazy.
These people are nasty bloodsuckers who need nastiness & drama to exist.

In a big town I would be a bitch back to her but in a small village setting, I can understand you don't want others to exclude you as well as her in case there is drama.
So super nice, is the way forward m. Others will notice.

Lastly as per others, you're "we worked hard comment grated"
A cleaner works hard, a cleaner who didn't inherit anything from their council house parents worked a damm site harder than most people on here.

I cannot bear people who are simply fortunate that they were able to take advantage of university bursaries or walk in & progress jobs, inheritance from parents, final salary pensions, golden handshakes, housing price boom. Etc etc.

it's demeaning to people who have worked as hard as you or even harder who did not have the advantages you had.

if you can’t distance yourself from her then I think you should call her out on her bad behaviour every time (calmly and firmly). If you stand up for yourself she might back off.

I have a family member who when she is feeling bitchy (so, every day), says rude and insulting things to try and provoke a response.

I've found saying 'ah well, be a funny old world if we all liked the same thing, wouldn't it?', with the most bucolic smile I can manage (which is very bovine) seems to get her right smack bang in the frustration feels. There's nothing she can say to it that doesn't make her seem an even bigger twit than she already does.

It's fun watching her try and come up with something though. . .

Oh, and nodding and smiling also seems to get her hopping.

I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody

You may not want ill feeling but you're getting it from this nasty character anyway, so you might as well deal with it head on.
Have a response ready for her next horrible comment, for example 'what do you mean by that?' or 'Oh really? That's interesting'. Both pretty neutral and will hopefully put her on the back foot as she's not used to you answering back.

Or, if you prefer to make light of it and take the sting out, laugh and say 'Oh Mabel, you do say the funniest things'. That'll confuse the nasty witch.

YOH?

😂😂😂

Lean over and whisper it in her ear.

Then when she tells someone else what you said act shocked and really upset and say "oh my God, I would never say anything like that!- thats absolutely shocking, I'm really worried about Marjory - I really think she needs to see her doctor if she thinks I said that"

I think this is what they call 'grey rocking' someone and it is very effective. Just bland, colourless responses to everything.

“Go fuck yourself with the fat end of a pineapple, you toffee-nosed, horse-faced bitch” can be an effective response."

This made me LOL.

But don't say it obvs 😂

You might want to listen to this guy about how to respond to people who are belittling you or being rude.

She sounds like a bad character from ‘Succession’ doesn’t she? People with true breeding and class never make comments like this, so she’s actually pretty low rent to me.
M&S? Well if you know anything about fashion right now, it’s the place to shop. You can’t open a glossy magazine without encountering M&S pieces, and with Claudia Winkleman on board, they are doing so well.
And as far as I am aware Claudia is someone held in pretty high esteem by style lovers.
I think that this ‘person’ may be aware you have a secure lifestyle and is envious.
I’d give her a wide berth, or tell her to audition for the nearest ‘Real Houswives’ franchise 😂

A cheerful, “oh well, you do you, I will do me” often does the trick.

Also don’t share details, less for her to judge/pass comment on.

Another good deflection is to respond "why do you ask?" to each and every question.

She isn't a friend, she's someone you keep 'in' with because of village life.

I agree, "that was very rude, Marjorie" and walk away. Repeat as often as needed.

How about replying "Miaow!!" at every opportunity?

Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody.

It’s too late. She’s already created the ill-feeling, and there isn’t some magic silver bullet to fix it.

Nothing you could do would please someone like this. If you wore designer shoes the next time you saw her, that would be “showy” too. So don’t bother trying to be nice to her, she’ll find a way to make it negative.

Next time she makes comment about you “splashing cash”, say “When I had M&S shoes on, you insulted me by saying I was buying cheap rubbish. Now you’re criticising me for spending more. Just how much is enough and still not too much to spend for me to meet your approval?”

Or, if this is too much, I find “Go fuck yourself with the fat end of a pineapple, you toffee-nosed, horse-faced bitch” can be an effective response.

There of plenty of people on here being nasty and rude about a rich person!

I worked with someone like this, it bothered me at first, and made me uncomfortable.
As time went on, and I reported remarks back to my family, it became funny, and spotting the insults was an entertainment.

Sorry all I got from the first two paragraphs is we are wealthy but not crass. That's a contradiction for me

The whole thread could have just read
A woman who lives in our village mocks me for wearing M&S shoes. I could afford spend more on shoes but choose not to

She is not a friend and you have no need to defend yourself to her for your choices. If you don't want to completely block her out of your life due to dynamics of the community, just grey rock her. She makes a comment, just smile, say ok and walk away.

She's probably defensive about it because people are so nasty and rude about richer people these days. You see it everywhere - direct comments, veiled comments, the need to excuse anything that's posh/expensive by saying you got it discounted/on points or whatever etc etc

I get that she was trying to set the scene. My post was intended to be advice rather than criticism. I made similar mistakes in the past, in trying to justify myself. But it took a friend to gently point out that in trying to humble myself, I was unwittingly putting others down.The last thing I wanted to do.

ETA that I agree with this

It's enough to say 'we were fortunate to be able to retire early' if that's the main point.
Don't over explain.

She's a nasty, and most likely jealous, bitch.

You handle it by keeping out of her way as much as you can and also by brushing off her stupid comments. There is nothing you can do to make her not be a bitch. So, you need to minimise contact and casually and quickly brush off her shit.

Her: where are your shoes from
You: M&S
Her: Cheap rubbish
You: I like them, must dash, need to get to xyz

That may be the case but it's still a tedious default statement that people on MN employ, and don't need to. It's enough to say 'we were fortunate to be able to retire early' if that's the main point.