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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Caustic friend

135 replies

AngelInBlueJeans · 22/10/2024 23:14

We live in a small village and are fortunate to be part of a lovely friendly community. We are quite wealthy, we own our own home which we had built to our specifications 5 yrs ago. We are not flash, that’s not who we are and we lead an ordinary simple life, we have a newish car but it’s not bold or in your face, our clothes are nice, but not designer. We are ordinary because that’s how we were brought up and that’s what we are comfortable with. We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today which enabled us to retire early. We would never be crass and discuss our wealth, and we give to various charities in the area and enjoy contributing to village events and charities.
One of our friends within the group is a big part of the community and is hands on helping out at events, fetes etc. She makes snide comments at every opportunity, particularly to me rather than my husband in relation to us ‘splashing cash’. We don’t splash it, we genuinely like to contribute and we do it quietly.
She’s very vocal to me about her upbringing and private schooling, and anything else that (I believe) might make us feel we are beneath her. She truly is quite horrid to me, for example she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish. I feel hurt that she treats me this way because she certainly doesn’t speak to our other friends in this manner.
I guess I feel disappointed more than anything, and sad, I’m struggling to understand why this person is so caustic to me. Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody. I’m at a loss how to handle this for a positive outcome.
Can anyone advise, because all I’m doing at the moment is not responding to her comments incase I make it worse.

OP posts:
AngelInBlueJeans · 23/10/2024 16:46

hattie43 · 23/10/2024 14:59

This was how I read it . We've worked hard rather than we won the lottery or inherited.

I'm also sick of these boring low paid work hard aswell tropes , of course they do but their jobs arent valued as much of haven't need to get degrees / train for years either, they do their hours and go home , no stress no pressure , no decision making , no responsibility. High paid jobs are high paid for a reason .

I do agree, I see my grown up children in high paid jobs almost giving their soul to the company for what they earn

OP posts:
Pastit12 · 23/10/2024 16:38

I would say oh Mabel or whatever her name is do fuck off

Marine30 · 23/10/2024 15:34

Green eyed monster in its most obvious form. Be polite but firm with this horrible woman and next time there’s a needless put down either put her in her place or walk away and avoid seeing her again.
Chances are if it’s a small village everyone knows what she’s like. I imagine you’re not the only one she’s been nasty to.
Don’t be a walkover. She’s unlikely to speak about you in glowing terms whether you’re nice to her or not such is her jealousy. She’s not worth your good manners anymore!

AngelInBlueJeans · 23/10/2024 15:26

Canalboat · 23/10/2024 09:01

She sounds truly awful and needs to wind her neck in. Difficult to escape people in a small community and if you confront she may well turn it on you in some way so you need to be careful how you do that. I would stay neutral if it was me. She’s obviously jealous of you and making herself feel better by putting you down. Other people will notice.

Canalboat… tbh honest someone has noticed her behaviour towards me and said they didn’t understand why she was so nasty to me and that I didn’t deserve it.
A few weeks ago after a particularly nasty comment I stayed away from her completely because I was hurt. She texted a few times and I ignored that too, she then turned up at our house with a bunch of flowers wondering if I was sick and the flowers were to cheer me up. Apparently she’d been asking everyone if they’d seen me and if I was ok. I think she knew what she’d done but there was no apology. I did think that things would change after that given that I’d distanced myself but I was wrong. The thing is she’s so lovely with everyone else and I’m left wondering what I’m doing to trigger her to be this way towards me. She clearly has a lovely side, but the flip side is awful.

OP posts:
AngelInBlueJeans · 23/10/2024 15:01

Hillrunning · 22/10/2024 23:25

She's not a friend. She is someone horrible you know. I'm sorry she is being this way. I have a few people that I can't avoid that make similar (you are beneath me) comments. I try to give neutral tone responses semi related comments back. 'I'd never use crappy box dye' gets a 'I dyed it on Saturday and although I didn't like it then, I do now'. A commet about her private education might get a follow up from me on how I'd spotted that the nearby private school has changed thier uniform. Its not so far off that you are obviously ignoring them but far off enough that if they tried to return to it they would look odd.

Hillrunning…Good advice, I can certainly see how the private school response would backfoot her, thanks for taking the time to respond… btw I also use box dye 🙂

OP posts:
hattie43 · 23/10/2024 14:59

BeensOnToost · 23/10/2024 11:34

I have no problem with your "we worked hard" comment. It's not a dig at anyone, its purely explaining your circumstances i.e we didn't inherit generational wealth.

This was how I read it . We've worked hard rather than we won the lottery or inherited.

I'm also sick of these boring low paid work hard aswell tropes , of course they do but their jobs arent valued as much of haven't need to get degrees / train for years either, they do their hours and go home , no stress no pressure , no decision making , no responsibility. High paid jobs are high paid for a reason .

AngelInBlueJeans · 23/10/2024 14:57

Citrusandginger · 23/10/2024 12:19

I'd go for a variation on the kill them with kindness, seeing as she sounds jealous/desperate to prove her imagined superiority.

On the trainers from M&S go over the top. Oh I love them. So comfy. I'm thinking of getting another pair in grey.

Private school. Super. How lovely. Gosh what a long time ago it all was.

Citrusandginger Oh for sure, she certainly behaves with superiority, she very forceful with it. Thanks for your advice, I’ll be using it, you made me laugh too with the ‘I’m thinking of getting another pair in grey’ 😆

OP posts:
hattie43 · 23/10/2024 14:54

Did you mean to be that rude or did it come out wrong . Call her out every single time .

Demonhunter · 23/10/2024 14:50

AngelInBlueJeans · 23/10/2024 14:41

Screamingabdabz…
I’m so sorry, I genuinely didn’t mean it to come across that way, and yes I completely agree because I see people working incredibly hard and in this day and age it’s hard to keep heads above water for a lot of people, everything is so expensive. Sincerely I do get it because we had nothing in our early years, and with three children it was difficult to make ends meet. When the children were older I went back to work (on minimum wage) and also attended college in the evening to further my skills and education to enable me to get a better job… which I did.

We do help others by donating to food banks etc and I’m involved in voluntary work.
Again my apologies if I caused offence, however I would not call our wealth a privilege because we have not inherited a Penny piece… but that was not the core issue in this post, I was asking advice regarding my caustic friend.

I think most of us understood that you meant your wealth came from work you did, as opposed to it being generational wealth handed to you. You didn't word it offensively at all IMO.

AngelInBlueJeans · 23/10/2024 14:49

ChequerToRed · 23/10/2024 14:17

She’s jealous.
Next time a quick, ‘Now, now, dear. No need to be rude.’ in the best stern, old fashioned, schoolmarm-ish tone you can muster.

ChequerToRed Yes, tbh my husband says she’s jealous of me, how sad 😞
Thanks for your help, your advice is spot on, and I will practice my schoolmarm-ish approach 😉

OP posts:
AngelInBlueJeans · 23/10/2024 14:42

ChequerToRed · 23/10/2024 14:17

She’s jealous.
Next time a quick, ‘Now, now, dear. No need to be rude.’ in the best stern, old fashioned, schoolmarm-ish tone you can muster.

Oh that’s such good advice, you’re a star, thank you 👏🏻👏🏻 I’m definitely using that 😊

OP posts:
AngelInBlueJeans · 23/10/2024 14:41

Screamingabdabz · 23/10/2024 08:50

YABU to trot out the line “we’ve worked extremely hard” when talking about your wealth and privilege. Lots of low wage people work extremely hard.

Screamingabdabz…
I’m so sorry, I genuinely didn’t mean it to come across that way, and yes I completely agree because I see people working incredibly hard and in this day and age it’s hard to keep heads above water for a lot of people, everything is so expensive. Sincerely I do get it because we had nothing in our early years, and with three children it was difficult to make ends meet. When the children were older I went back to work (on minimum wage) and also attended college in the evening to further my skills and education to enable me to get a better job… which I did.

We do help others by donating to food banks etc and I’m involved in voluntary work.
Again my apologies if I caused offence, however I would not call our wealth a privilege because we have not inherited a Penny piece… but that was not the core issue in this post, I was asking advice regarding my caustic friend.

OP posts:
Vannymcvan · 23/10/2024 14:37

Boundaries. Really, really strong boundaries. Don't let her close. And if she ever does overstep, raise one hand in a 'stop' position, and just say 'I'll stop you there'. Then walk away.
It's not what I'd do, I'd have told her to fuck off by now. It's by far the better option for village living though.

OnGoldenPond · 23/10/2024 14:27

Just laugh uproariously next time she comes out with something outrageously rude and slap her on the back saying "oh Babs, you do crack me up!". Show her how spectacularly unbothered you are by her nonsense.

Honestly, she is just embarrassing herself as everyone who hears these remarks must be thinking what an idiot she is.

ChequerToRed · 23/10/2024 14:17

She’s jealous.
Next time a quick, ‘Now, now, dear. No need to be rude.’ in the best stern, old fashioned, schoolmarm-ish tone you can muster.

CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets · 23/10/2024 13:28

Well, she is mad jealous of you op. Nasty woman

SpiggingBelgium · 23/10/2024 12:44

I'd go for a variation on the kill them with kindness

You mean just kill them? 😁

Only joking. OP, please don’t kill the shoe bitch.

Citrusandginger · 23/10/2024 12:19

I'd go for a variation on the kill them with kindness, seeing as she sounds jealous/desperate to prove her imagined superiority.

On the trainers from M&S go over the top. Oh I love them. So comfy. I'm thinking of getting another pair in grey.

Private school. Super. How lovely. Gosh what a long time ago it all was.

independencefreedom · 23/10/2024 11:55

MagpiePi · 23/10/2024 10:25

There of plenty of people on here being nasty and rude about a rich person!

I don't think they/we are being rude, but if the OP says 'we are wealthy because we worked extremely hard and made wise investments' in real life, I can see how that might be irritating (not in any way an excuse for someone to be so bitchy to them, but they may not realise how it comes across). The friend sounds jealous and nasty for sure.

No investment is 100% wise, not everyone who works extremely hard ends up wealthy. There is always always an element of luck in there whether that's supportive parents, nice boss, decent local school, health, etc. just as some people may have less fortunate circumstances (sudden ill health, greater than expected caring responsibilities, accidents, investments in companies that were adversely affected by Brexit/natural disaster etc.)

rainfallpurevividcat · 23/10/2024 11:54

Winglessvulture · 23/10/2024 11:25

The best advice I have been given for these types of situations is to kill them with kindness. It's hard to continue being so spikey when faced with unrelenting kindness, and if she does persist then she will just look like an idiot in front of anyone else who is present.

I imagine she is either extremely jealous of you or feels intimidated. When you can't avoid her and she makes nasty comments about where you buy things, why not ask her where she would get hers from and try and turn the focus on to her rather than you. When she talks about you splashing the cash with charities focus on how much time she gives to local causes. She can't be being mean to you all the time she's talking about herself!

Yes, that's really good advice.

Oh how interesting. Where do you buy your shoes then, Margaret?

Fevertreelover · 23/10/2024 11:53

She’s not a friend. Call her out on her bs every time and she will soon stop.

rainfallpurevividcat · 23/10/2024 11:52

She's a frenemy and is absolutely green with envy.

I would call her out on her remarks. "Did you mean to be so rude?" And so on. I'm sure other people find her unpleasant if they notice her saying these things.

YouOKHun · 23/10/2024 11:50

The definition of envy is "other has something I want and I am more deserving" and it sounds like she thinks that her monied background means she is more entitled to be in the position that you're in and you are not entitled to be in your position.

I think she's spotted that you're very keen to keep the peace and she can get away with commenting without anyone else knowing. Personally I'd make sure her snide asides go public by, for example, saying to the group, "Janet here was just saying to me that my M&S shoes are cheap and nasty, do you think she's right? Is that the general consensus on M&S?" or similar statement that "innocently" outs her comments every time. All done nicely in her presence if possible but she doesn't have to be there. I'm probably not giving an appropriate example but the principle is that every nasty aside gets a public airing, don't just absorb her nastiness, share it with the social group.

BeensOnToost · 23/10/2024 11:34

I have no problem with your "we worked hard" comment. It's not a dig at anyone, its purely explaining your circumstances i.e we didn't inherit generational wealth.

betterangels · 23/10/2024 11:26

Christstollen · 23/10/2024 11:23

this is going around, sums it up:

Love this.