Caustic friend

Yep- exactly. You say you dont want to be rude but SHE is being bloody rude. Why is it acceptable for her to be rude but you cant call it out? why isnt she worried about not being very nice? Noone has ostracised her for her vicious, nasty comments have they- so why on earth would you be for simply telling her that it was a hurtful rude comment?

That makes no sense whatsoever.

You dont have to shout or scream at her. People have suggested many ways to tell her she's being rude in a calm and measured manner. If you dont say anything then she will continue to be rude and nasty to you and you then will regret not saying anything. Its the verbal equivalent of her punching you in the face and you then saying "oh I'll just let her continue punching me in the face, I want to come across as a nice person" isnt it?

It is not rude to call someone out on their rudeness - it is necessary in society.
Each opportunity you get, and ESPECIALLY if there are other people around you should respond to her rudeness with ‘Wow! Did you really mean to be that rude?! That is very hurtful’.

Do everyone a favour - flush her nonsense out.

“I beg your pardon, I didn’t catch what you just said?” 🤔

”Oh really? Thanks for the feedback!” 🙄

”Did you say that out loud without thinking?” 🤐

I live next door to people who are absolutely revolting, think they rule the manor and that everyone has to bow and scrape.

and in this village there are plenty who do

we don’t. We’re successful, more so than them, but more importantly my OH and I have had to deal with narcissists before and we’re experts in spotting manipulative behaviour- so we’ve side stepped every attempt to control us and it’s driven them bonkers. For the last 4 years we’ve been in legal issues with them and finally resolved it. They’ve capitulated- well been forced to.

@AngelInBlueJeans my advice is NOT to be all diplomatic or rise above - tell her she’s rude and you’re not going to put up with it, turn on your heel and leave her. Make her realise that her behaviour is out of order.

too many villages have twats like these and nobody says boo to a goose and these tin pot narcissists wouldn’t last 5 minutes anywhere else.

she is not a friend. Not in any way shape or form. So tell her! “Why do you feel you can talk to me like this? We’re not friends and you’re rude. Keep your opinions and your distance in future”

Op you sound fab. This woman is jealous of you for probably a multitude of reasons. I suspect one of them is that everyone is mad about you. I'm pretty sure I would be if I lived in your village.

I'm finally at a place in life where I make no apologies and give no explanations. Everyone is free to choose how they play the hand they were given. I don't resent other people's successes and enjoyments because I'm too busy focusing on my own.

Some good strategies have been suggested here of how to deal with her so choose the ones that feel most aligned with your own personality and which you will feel good about afterwards.

If it was me I would be inclined to respond to the shoes comment with a very neutral expression and "that's pretty mean" before turning away with a shrug.

If she turned up at my house with flowers I'd say I've been feeling hurt by your comments and decided to take some space.

If she went on about private school I'd declare genuinely that it must have been great, it certainly wasn't my experience growing up. I wouldn't add anything else unless someone enquired then I'd share a brief honest account.

Basically keep your own standards high and let her do what she likes.

Maybe saying thank you for the flowers and inviting her for coffee or lunch to see if you could get on better? Or asking her to come and help you with something village related? She's clearly can be liked and this would be the best outcome for you to get on. Different approach but only you will know which one feels right.

I wonder if your donations are particularly high and she feels like your kind of sucking up? Are you new to the village? Does she think you're treading on her toes? She is clearly very involved being treasurer so to me it seems like she feels threatened and she puts a lot into the village the same as you do.
I think you've had loads of good advice but wanted to understand why she's singled you out. I don't think she's jealous of your wealth but the power thing makes more sense. I can see its tempting to be unkind back as she's hurt you, but she's coming from a place of hurt so she will then come back at you or go off crying. There are for sure different approaches

She is probably jealous or thinking that you might be over exaggerating your wealth. Wealth is relative too.

I know people who are constantly going on about how they are doing x y z and how wealthy they are which can be grating at times.

My husband and I do well for ourselves but I’d never call myself wealthy even if we own our house outright in the south of the uk and have six figure salaries.

She shouldn’t be rude to you though but the fact that she brought you flowers when you went off grid prob means that she’s not as nasty as you might think. Have you tried talking to her and saying when you do X it makes me feel Y? I really value our friendship and I’d like us to work on how we can improve our friendship going forward. There might just be things that’s not being discussed and she’s getting snarky.

OP I think you sound very nice and I hope you and your H are enjoying a well earned retirement.

People like this "not-friend" are jealous - simple as. Easier not engage with her beyond being polite and moving the subject on. Far less hassle for you particularly when you live in a small community. Whilst it's tempting to make funny responses or be very blunt with her, there's always a risk it can blow up if she starts crying to other people about how you've been oh-so-mean to her.

Where did you get your shoes? Oh I can't remember, but they are very comfortable. Anyway, didn't the church bake sale do well? I must say hello to X person - nice to see you.

Where are you going on holiday? Oh I haven't thought about anything. The community garden is looking well. There's X person - I just need to catch them quickly, excuse me.

That kind of thing. Be polite and 'distantly nice' - don't share personal information with her, and don't spend time chatting with her.

I've had similar and was constantly told to be the bigger person etc until I just decided I'd had enough. I waited until the person was unpleasant to me again, but in front of others and then very calmly and mildly said "It's no good, I really do have to ask. Why do you feel the need to keep being so unpleasant to me?". Literally as though I was asking if she'd like a cup of tea. And after a bit of blustering and insisting they absolutely did not intend to be unpleasant, she kept her distance for a bit and then lo and behold, all further interactions have been absolutely fine and certainly improved.

Wow that’s quite the chip! Did she say others didn’t work hard? No she’s was merely pointing out their wealth was earned rather than dropped in their laps through inheritance or lottery win etc. although neither should make a difference anyway! Money doesn’t define a person but sadly those without seem to sit in judgement on those that do for no valid reason other than jealousy.

It's sad that this kind of jealousy still exists in grown women. I have no advice (I'm the type of person to just tell her where to go and not politely) but just wanted to reaffirm you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. With every comment she makes like this reply with "what an odd thing to say". Keep being you and see this behaviour for what it is. People who are unhappy with their own life and want everyone else to be as miserable as them ❤️

I would respond, every time she is rude:

Oh dear! You realise that is terribly rude?... '

In the manner of someone somewhat patronisingly speaking to a puppy... 'Oh dear, you've shit all over the carpet again, how awful for you and also how disgusting'...

Give her a bit of side eye and then ignore her for a bit.

Yes she's clearly seeing how much you donate, presumably more than she does and it's rankling with her.
She shouldn't be doing that role if she can't be discreet about it.

You have my sympathy. You say she's treasurer of local committee and on parish council. I think it's unethical for her to comment on you "splashing the cash" or making snide comments about your wealth.

I would look to address this possibly? Either ask for your donations to be made anonymous, or perhaps raise the issue in an official capacity with the chairperson or other committee members as it's made you feel uncomfortable. Or even stop the donations for a time.

I would also never be alone in her company if you can help it as she only comments when no one else around.

I mean, this So now you can stop struggling to work this out… hope that helps sounds pretty annoyed and PA to me. Never mind.

The long and short of it is that this woman from the village is not your friend. It's OK to tell her she's being rude.

Just channel your annoyance with posters when you speak to her next.

If you find you don't have the words when she makes one of her catty remarks, I fall back on giving a puzzled stare. Then I would make an excuse to remove myself from her company as soon as possible. You've just remembered you haven't done something or need to be somewhere...or you just got a text and an urgent need has come up.

It's a bit like a time out for her.

She sounds jealous and threatened by you.

I had a similar situation to this. Were slightly younger than you but had similar successes and financially comfortable etc.

Growing up I was always the poor friend and my friends family were always very comfortable. As we got older I think my friend resented that our dynamics had changed and she felt uncomfortable about this. I had a couple of years of passive and mean comments from her before I had enough and moved on from the 'friendship'. It's sad but there is no place for envy in friendships. It sounds like your friend resents your position and wishes she were in it given her private education etc. sounds as though she's insecure about it and trying to make herself feel better by putting you down instead. Awful behaviour

Watch Mrs browns boys "that's nice" skit! I've used it for years.

"Fuck off, Janet, with your catty remarks. Manners cost nothing and you've still managed not to have any" said with a big smile on your face.
And then polite indifference every time you see her afterwards.

A round of applause. Some of the earlier responses trying to shame her were ridiculous . OP worked hard, it wasn’t handed to her. She’s probably being squeezed to death in taxes without complaint and seeing zilch for it.

There are people in this country who would prefer it if everyone were poor.

OP should not have apologised.

Try to find the humour in the situation- it is so funny how people perceive themselves relative to others.
When we moved into our current house we needed to do a load of heavy DIY. So I was not looking picture perfect. I was however working as a Biotech Exec during the week (mixing cement at weekends)
I had a man approach me in the street who explained that he was one of our neighbours and he thought that I would be pleased to know that I could pick up some cash cleaning for him and his wife.
To be honest I cannot recall exactly what I said to him but I have not seen him since (3 years)- hope I was not too rude but do not really care