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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Failing my baby

111 replies

mumtoababygirl · 22/10/2024 22:10

My baby is 4 months old, and I feel like I’m failing her. I’m really struggling with being a Mum.

She’s EBF, I wanted to be able to breastfeed so much and I can but I’m starting to hate it. She feeds all the time, 40 minutes minimum and the most she’ll go between feeds is an hour. Despite this she’s not gaining weight well, she dropped from 60th to 9th percentile for weight although has seemed to track on that for a few weeks now. Tongue tie was corrected at 3 weeks.

She doesn’t like being put down, she’ll do 5 or 10 minutes but then will cry to be picked up. She doesn’t like being in the sling or carrier or pushchair either, she’ll do a bit longer in those but only if we’re out of the house.

She doesn’t sleep. Contact naps in the day only and rarely longer than 40 minutes. If I try to put her down she wakes up instantly. She will go in her next to me at night but not until about 11pm, then she’ll wake up every hour unless I bring her into bed with me, which I do sometimes as I’m desperate but I hate doing it. Will only ever fall asleep on the boob.

I love her so, so much but I feel like I’m failing her, like I must be doing something wrong, like everyone else understands how to be a Mother and I don’t. I’m so worried I’m making her miserable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Classicstripewastaken · 22/10/2024 22:31

Haveyouanyjam · 22/10/2024 22:26

Have you considered an osteopath? Babies can carry a lot of tension from birth and it can identify and correct issues you may not be aware of.
Being a mum to a small baby is hard. You are struggling but you aren’t failing and nearly all of us struggle with parenting.

Exactly this. My son was like your baby - constantly feeding and at it for hours. He never seemed satisfied. It was so draining and restrictive.

I took him to an osteopath for an unrelated issue and she was treating him as he was feeding. Osteo noticed that he wasn't feeding effectively and made some adjustments to treat tensions. It instantly changed his feeding technique and feeding times halved because he could feed far more effectively than before. I breastfed until he self weaned at about 15 months.

Original poster
mumtoababygirl · 22/10/2024 22:31

I’ve thought about formula, I’m genuinely so torn every single day, but the thought of stopping makes me feel so guilty. So many want to and can’t and I can but don’t want to? And I also do genuinely truly love it so much sometimes as well.

We also have stomach issues in my family and I feel like if I go onto formula just because BF is hard for me, if she ends up with them I’ll never forgive myself.

OP posts:
Entertainmentcentral · 22/10/2024 22:29

I would switch to bottle so you can see how much she is getting and get a chance to share the load. It's a personal choice. You're not doing anything wrong.

Haveyouanyjam · 22/10/2024 22:26

Have you considered an osteopath? Babies can carry a lot of tension from birth and it can identify and correct issues you may not be aware of.
Being a mum to a small baby is hard. You are struggling but you aren’t failing and nearly all of us struggle with parenting.

Sonolanona · 22/10/2024 22:23

Unless you are desparate to keep breastfeeding, why not switch to bottles and take that pressure off yourself.. you've done 4 months which is amazing, but truly no one cares one jot how you feed your baby as long as she is fed, and she might gain a bit more weight.

And... some babies are harder work than others. It's nothing you have done or not done. I had 4... I only managed to breastfeed for a few weeks, none of them slept well for a VERY long time and we bed hopped for years (I had three under two and a half so getting any sleep was a miracle)

It passes... and she will settle in time, but meantime, do whatever helps!

RantyMcGee · 22/10/2024 22:23

You’re not failing her as you obviously care for her and are meeting her needs. I found the first 6 months really difficult and honestly just felt like I was there to keep my child alive for everyone else to enjoy. It got easier around 6 months as she then became more interested in the world around her and toys, as well as giving more back in terms of smiles, giggles etc. Plus I went back to work a few days a week so I had something else to focus on and some other people to talk to - it can get very lonely with just a baby for company. In terms of sleep, Google sleep windows…we found this concept really helpful. Weight wise, mine also dropped from 50th to between 2nd and 9th and is probably still there at 8 years old - she’s just small for her age. She was referred to paediatrician when she stayed low on the centiles but discharged fairly quickly as they decided she was just following her own curve.

Go easy on yourself: You’re massively sleep deprived and things seem so much worse on such little sleep. Ask for help - your partner (if you have one) getting up with her at the weekend so you can sleep longer for example. Express milk if you can so someone else can give her a feed (or don’t be afraid to use formula). Find some (honest) mum friends. Sorry that was an essay but I wanted to say something as I have been where you are. It got better though.

Noseybookworm · 22/10/2024 22:23

You're not failing, you're tired! Don't be afraid to top her up with formula - you may find she's more settled and sleeps better. It's worth a try I think. Breastfeeding is great but a settled baby and a less tired mum is better!

Neodymium · 22/10/2024 22:19

Are you drinking enough water? I always had a big bottle with me and would drink the whole time I was feeding. If I didn’t drink much I didn’t make as much milk. There is medication that can increase your milk supply, like maxalon. It sounds like you just aren’t producing enough milk for her.

Seabreeze18 · 22/10/2024 22:17

You are not failing her you are exhausted!
if she is sucking all
that time and not putting on weight then there is a possibility that your milk is not enough! It may be not rich enough? Are u eating well? Drinking water? Don’t be afraid of supplementing bottles. My friend was so determined to breast feed but ended up starving her child as she had no milk. Everything was fine when the baby got a bottle!

secondly babies like to be next to their mums and u may just need to cosleep. Read up about how to do it safely. So I wore lots of clothes to stay warm but didn’t have a cover on in case it went over my baby.

you can do this! You are a fantastic mum u just need some help and sleep!!
good luck!

Mistralli · 22/10/2024 22:17

You're not failing her, you are being an incredibly responsive parent with a slightly tougher type of baby. What you're describing was relatively normal for EBF babies I have encountered.

Other posters who have experienced the harder work variety of baby will have better advice than me (mine was the easy variety, and even those arent actually easy). However, I didn't want to read and run. Try to make sure you have enough support, and know that it'll get easier.

If you're concerned about her weight gain, it nay also be worth discussing some degree of early weaning with your HV.

DustyLee123 · 22/10/2024 22:13

If you feel that the breastfeeding is ruining the relationship with your baby, you know that there’s another option.

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