Failing my baby

Bottle feed her. You’re not getting your priorities right here - a happy, well rested mum is far more important than breast feeding.

Mine are now 24 and 16. As far as I can tell from their health and achievements, the benefits of breastfeeding are overrated.

I used to give mine a bottle last thing at night, to get them to go a bit longer so I could sleep. How about adding in one bottle a day and see how that goes, if it doesn’t work you can just go back to breast feeding?

Are you feeding off each breast until empty? Is she perhaps just getting the fore milk which is thirst quenching but low on calories, the hind milk is fattier.
Re sleep we went with the view ( one of so many opinions) that babies need to learn to self soothe and go to sleep. They are born to wake at night and sleep in the day and that needs slowly reversing. I get that a hungry baby is less likely to settle, but that aside, the shush pat technique worked for us after about a week and they did start to settle in the crib then sleep.
lots of advice to try. The fact that you are bothered proves you are not failing your baby. It’s so hard, tiring and frustrating as there’s no right or wrong way, it’s finding what works for you both. Good luck

I was desperate to EBF and was heartbroken when I couldn’t. Cried and bullied myself for months that I had failed my daughter.

In the long run, she was formula fed and slept through the night from 4/5 months. Not an exact science of course, but of the mums I am close with who breastfeed, they are exhausted and their babies do not sleep through. Bottle fed the opposite. Same with my daughter would nap in the day fine, their babies didn’t.

There are pros and cons to each side of this and the best advice I received was - if BF starts to affect your mental health it’s time to make a change. I’m not trying to say that bottle feeding is the holy grail etc I’m just saying it isn’t a bad pathway either. This is such a hard journey for all us which you aren’t alone in. Please know that you aren’t failing her and most of the mums I know (and myself) are pretty much winging it.

I hope this helps in some way x

This kind of rhetoric is the problem. My baby was EBF with me consuming cows milk and dropped from 80th to 20th centile. Excluded cows milk from my diet and baby went back up to 50th centile. Still EBF.

Didn't need more food, just not to be allergic to it. Would have been even more allergic to normal formula.

Mine was the same! Always feeding, never sleeping, but losing weight. It was CMPA. He's so allergic he was reacting to it through my milk.

Had I given him formula it would have made him worse. Because they're unprocessed cows milk while your breastmilk has it broken down like hydrolysed formula (prescribed only).

I'd ask your GP about a dairy trial before giving up.

I have known a couple of people give up breastfeeding because of same issue, only to find their babies got worse leading to CMPA diagnosis. One bless her, her baby was also allergic to something else (Coconut maybe) which is in all the allergy formulas. By the time it was worked out her breastmilk had gone but there was no formula for her baby that didn't make her sick. Allergy babies commonly have another allergy - mine is dairy, soy and egg. Almost always do better on breastmilk with mum on an exclusion diet than formula.

EBF is about you, not her, it seems.

She so obviously needs more food, and that's what formula is for.

Oh op - I could hear myself in your message! Which I only say to help you feel less alone. You are a lovely, responsive mummy who will probably end up with a baby with a really strong bond.

I coslept and combi fed. When my oldest had problems putting on weight I would do breast feed, bottle feed, breast feed. She got chunky pretty fast and my supply was fine.

she also never tolerated being put down, and is still pretty cuddly at 5.

both of mine had lip ties and I found feeding with nipple shields helped.

it’s impossible to see the woods for the trees at this stage, you must be exhausted. It will keep changing and improving!!

Sounds like a really tough baby and you must be so sleep deprived. I had a much easier baby in general but also one who dropped percentiles and fed for ages. We were told to limit feed to 30 mins max and then offer a top up afterwards from a bottle. I pumped a bit to achieve this and used a bit of formula and just did it in the day as couldn't be bothered with extra faff at night. We got back to EBF and dropped this top up process once the weight was more stable (tracking 2nd centile) but it could be like PP said that they are just adjusting to 9th. I would definitely ask for some help about feeding and see what your support network can do to help you get some longer stretches of sleep

This is so normal! I could’ve written all this myself.

My baby is 7.5 months and will now go down for naps but this has only started in the last few days.

They also breastfed for really long sessions til 5/6 months then stopped. Born 95th centile now stable and tracking at 25th so no concerns there.
I absolutely love EBF as I’m too lazy to pump and deal with bottles. You trade one thing for another. Also cba dealing with constipation.

Started cosleeping at 4 months which revolutionised our sleep. I opened up the side of the cot.

It’s so hard, you sound like you’re doing an amazing job. My Dd dropped from the 81st to below the 9th percentile by the time she was 6 months old. It’s such a kick in the teeth when you’re up all day and night feeding and it’s still not enough, I felt very similar to you. It turns out Dd had a cows milk allergy, we were prescribed a dairy free formula and she immediately started putting on weight.

it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.
Can you feed lying down on your side and nap while baby feeds.

Of course you shouldn’t feel guilty if you change to bottle, but like you I knew I would so I didn’t and I am so relieved that I didn’t, so I would warn against it.

I echo above posters about drinks. Have a 2 litre bottle of water next to you, flask of tea, whatever. Nap in bed. Seek LLL guidance if at all possible and I promise you that this too shall pass. Weight loss can also be when baby calibrated somehow to their genetically expected weight. When I work out for my kids, 2 of them lost dramatic amounts of weight after a few months and it turns out that they were just skinny wee slips of things. My others much bigger.
Of course you shouldn’t feel guilty speak with your HV to get reassurance or help though. This is just a thought.

I didn't want to read and run, and I know you have so much good advice.
Are you trying to put her down in a CLEAN cot ?
Just an idea , put her down in clothes that smell like you , or dad . The clean white stuff doesn't work . She wants to smell mummy then she will go to sleep . I wrapped up the cot in whatever I was wearing that day. Could work for you

You’re not failing her at all - and the only contact napping / sleeping with you sounds really normal for a responsively EBF baby. I only managed with my second by having him sleep on DH for a few hours every evening so I could have some time alone to sleep / shower. He wouldn’t even sleep in the next to me at night - only under my arm on his side.
We practiced safe co sleeping which is much much safer than accidental / unplanned co-sleeping from exhaustion.
Regarding weight - either she’s found her centile and is ‘meant to be’ on the 9th, or there could be an issue with latch - as PP have suggested getting her latch assessed would be sensible if you choose to continue breastfeeding. The length of feeds makes me think it would be worth getting someone to take a look.
Breastfeeding while lying down / sleeping made things much easier - I think around the 3-4 month mark.

You are not failing, you sound like such a lovely Mum! I have 4 children and honestly some babies are just harder than others, I had 2 who were just like you described, always held and didn't sleep when put down, they're just all different. Would definitely be worth checking with Lactation consultant or nurse just because of the weight situation, hopefully they can offer support but even if you did switch to formula you would not be failing your baby.

I could have written this exact post when my eldest was that age. Everyone else was already in a routine, sleeping loads, gaining weight and my baby was all over the place, floating around the 2nd centile, unpredictable sleeping, tongue tie, reflux, feeding for 40 minutes (sometime to the point my nipples were literally bleeding and blistered) and would only sleep either on me or being pushed in the pram so sleep for me was impossible.

I used to wish he would sleep in his cot...until he did sleep in his cot. And then I longed for the contact naps and milk-drunk cuddles and would give anything to go back to that time when my baby only wanted to nap with me.

While sleeping was elusive, I think it did contribute to my son being early walker and early talker (my second slept all the time, so had no time to learn to walk and talk until much later). So while I was worried about sleep habits and other mums had no cares, I had no fears about walking or talking where other mums then had their worries. We all worry about milestones one way or another.

My eldest is 7 now and still a night owl, but we have a great bond, he is bright and funny and kind and thoughtful. You are not failing your child in any way shape or form. You are building a solid, secure foundation and a strong primary bond.

Sending you a big hug - currently sat feeding my 17 week old, so similar age. He's my second, I thought I was good at babies...turns out the first one was just easier than this one is!
A lot of what your describing sounds like a normal baby who is being brilliantly and responsively parented. You're doing a great job and always remember, YOU are the best mum your child could ever have and you're all she wants.
What you describe re feeding does sound like maybe something isn't quite as it should be. I'd agree with above posters that a breastfeeding expert (a lactation consultant) would be a really helpful thing here, to properly look at what's going on with regard to the lengthy feeds and her weight. If not, I would see if there are any breastfeeding support groups locally (there usually are!) and the breastfeeding hotline is also helpful.
I cosleep with baby which means we both get a lot more rest.
Happy to be pm'ed if you want someone to chat to about the joys (!) of these little pickles!

Its not necessary to switch to a bottle to see how much a baby is getting.

As @HiCandles has just said consider that tongue ties can reattach- this was certainly the case with my DD. Maybe worth getting a lactation consultant to check her again?

They're very long feeds, I'm not surprised you're exhausted. I would definitely be seeing an ICBLC to look for any issues, ideally one qualified in tongue tie assessment too as they can occasionally grow back. My daughter was still feeding 30-40 mins at 3 months and it was tongue tie, improved massively once cut.
Regarding the sleep though I think that's all completely normal and certainly is for my EBF baby. I'm assuming you're falling prey to that rubbish online about putting baby down drowsy but awake, sleep training, patting in the cot. I know I did with my eldest. Honestly it's money making crap. Babies want to be on you all the time for months, mine is still like this at 8 months. You say she'll only sleep with the boob and won't be put down like they're problems but that's the normal state of things. Please don't feel you're failing your baby as it really really doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you're responsively meeting your baby's needs, tbh.

I would recommend calling the National bf helpline. It’s open 24/7 so you could even call now. There is always a lot of outdated or misinformation on posts like this. They can help you work out what to do and have evidence based information.

www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk

Society is broken when it is making mothers feel ‘guilty’ about doing things that help both them and their child, like using formula. How is making sure your baby is fed, full and happy failing. Answer - it isn’t, but mums like OP are brainwashed into thinking that making a conscious choice to stop BF as it isn’t working or not start in the first place is somehow a slight on your ability as a mother. Likewise if the baby cries. Babies cry. That’s how they communicate (especially if hungry as mother is feeling too guilty to get a bloody bottle out).
This isn’t a slight on OP. It’s on those who have reduced her to feeling like this.

Have you had any support from an infant feeding specialist? What you're describing suggests an issue with milk transfer. I wouldn't expect a 4 month old to feed that long that often.

You could consider a private ICBLC lactation consultant or go through your local NCT feeding support group or Breastfeeding Network. There are in-person and online drop-in sessions.

Also check out Kathryn Stagg, Olivia Hinge, Lucy Webber on Instagram.

I also second the question about water . You need to drink LOADS.

you may also be exhausted , that’s not good for your milk supply. Can you get someone to take the baby for a walk for an hour and you can sleep?

has someone professional checked your latch is good?

Babies love cuddling and comfort - can you tell yet when the baby is suckling for comfort rather than feeding? Unlatch the baby as soon as you can tell things are slowing down, never feed the baby to sleep in the daytime .