Failing my baby

You're not failing your baby.
Lots of people find breastfeeding is challenging, even when really wanted, its a both a blessing and a burden in some ways.
I think its best to try not to compare to other people if possible, lots of babies don't want to be put down, don't sleep long stretches & cluster feed.
It gets better in some ways and harder in others, steps forward and backwards constantly but nothing is permanent. It will all change, so try to remember that there are easier days ahead.
If you're being safe with cosleeping, don't beat yourself up. We coslept from 4 months because her sleep was terrible and it was the only way for us all to get any decent amount of sleep.
Don't be afraid to combi feed or formula feed if that is better for you. But be aware that getting your baby to take the bottle may be a challenge in itself.
We rocked to sleep sometimes and transferred to cot.
The first period of being a parent is really hard, so many new things to worry about, try to give yourself grace, your baby is healthy, you are trying your best, you care and love your baby.

Don’t stress about cosleeping. I did that too with my youngest. It’s dangerous if you are affected by drugs (including prescription) or alcohol, but otherwise it’s fine. I wouldn’t put the baby between me and my husband and keep pillows ect away. Mothers have co slept with babies since humans first appeared. It’s only now that we have changed things.

I could have written the same as you at 4 months with my first - feeding constantly and never seemed settled. I had lost so much weight. I felt I was failing and was exhausted and broken. If you want to keep breastfeeding call the National Breastfeeding Line - I did and they found me a group like La Leche League who took care of me. My baby refused all bottles when I tried at 6 months ( but to be honest I didn't have the support of her Dad and it is best if someone else tries intially) You have done amazingly well and no decision is a bad decision so don't feel any guilt.

Obviously if bottle feeding is the route you want to go down then consider it, but I feel your baby is showing signs of other issues and jumping to formula as an answer is ignoring the other issues.

To be feeding that long at a time and then feeding again an hour later it sounds like there are some issues with milk transfer. Tongue ties can reattach so I would get that looked at again, and it's possible she also has a lip tie or something else going on.
I would probably see a lactation consultant to check position and latch too as sometimes that can make a difference.

I would also consider seeing an osteopath, with you saying she isn't happy lying down for long at all. Does she have a boob/position preference? Or a head turning preference when she's lying down? Screaming in the carseat might be a sign too.

The other thing is obviously if there is a medical issue going on that might be affecting weight gain. Something like an allergy or a malabsorption issue that could mean she isn't processing the milk properly. So consider GP or health visitor.

You're doing a fantastic job. But honestly I find it so difficult when people suggest just giving a baby a bottle when that quite often isn't the (only) solution.

My (now adult) baby was a velcro baby. You just have to go with it - babies, like people, are all different. Don't judge yourself by what anyone else does. Do what your baby needs, like you are doing. You haven't failed her in any way. She loves you and wants to be with you.

Babies get to a point when they become much more efficient at feeding - from memory it is around this age. They also get much more interested in the world around them. It does get easier!

We also cosleep and I found it a game changer. Do your own research of course but most of the horror stories are when parents were not following safety guidelines. There are some instagram accounts that are really helpful for advice on how to do this safely e.g. Cosleepy.

Tracking weight too closely will drive you mad as well as they’ll drop a few percentiles if they have a cold and you can totally overthink it.

Sounds like you’re doing great!

Just wanted to say @mumtoababygirl you are an incredible mum.

If you move to formula it doesn't have to be all or nothing on one type of feeding. In the early days, my milk took weeks to come in and we ended up combining-feeding; introducing 2 bottles. My partner gave the bottles; this gave me time to rest - and only when I rested, did my milk properly come in. You need rest for the milk to come in. Eventually we were able to drop the formula as my milk increased, baby was able to feed more and better as they got older. Could be worth consideration. You could speak to GP about getting lactose free milk on prescription. Wishing you the best. You're in the trenches but it will get better x

I remember the feeling. With my first she didn’t latch in properly which made feeding her difficult. Then I caught mastitis and the health visitors said she wasn’t getting enough food.

I didn’t breastfeed her for long. Maybe a month? We moved over to formula. I also had PND and so it was helpful that I wasn’t the only one in charge of feeding her.

I’ll add that although the baby phase feels very long (I currently have a 6 month old so I know how long it can feel when you are with them day in and day out!) But when I look at my 12 year old, it’s a reminder that the baby phase does not last forever. By the time they are 1 they can pretty much have anything else.

As other PPs have said, look at alternatives. Get some support. Please don’t feel like it’s your fault - every baby is different and we can only do what works for us. It’s great that you’ve tried - that makes you a great mum!

I find that most of the time she does fall asleep whilst drinking the bottle, and if not I just bf for a few minutes after to help her drift off. If she's looking really sleepy I put her in the cot and she sometimes falls asleep on her own- she's a bit older than yours though, 7 months now.

I didn’t want to see this and run without leaving a comment. I personally found the 4-5 month period fucking awful. Everyone had said that it gets easier after 3 months and when it actually got worse because of the 4 month sleep regression, I was so so low.

it does sound like you need to get some support on the feeding front, which I’m not going to attempt to offer advice on, but I just wanted to say that it does get better from a ‘feeling like I’m drowning’ point of view, when they are this age. The absolute game changer for me was safely cosleeping and feeding lying down. I just leant into giving her as many cuddles as she needed and accepted that it was going to be like this for a little while. I was genuinely saying ‘why on earth didn’t I do this sooner’. Yes the sleep is disturbed, but so much less so than trying to feed whilst up and then doing the transfer.

My daughter is 7mo now and she’s in her own room at night- sleeping through some nights, but on average one or two wake ups, so SO much better than it was at 4 months. Still struggling with wanting contact naps in the day, but the nights are getting better and I have a mattress on the floor in the nursery for those really bad nights where she just won’t settle! I literally didn’t do anything to actively change it, other than periodically put her back in the next to me to check if she was ready, as she started to push away a little after feeds in the night. I found she just gradually was happy being moved away, but it was very slowly.

Just do whatever you can to get through each day and you’ll suddenly realise the fog is starting the lift and it’s all getting easier. I certainly didn’t appreciate how hard it would be, and I do think breastfeeding makes it harder because it all falls on you- the amount of people who suggested doing it in shifts with my husband used to piss me off, because it just wouldn’t work like that. But you are absolutely not failing your daughter- you are obviously doing everything you can and you should be really proud of yourself. It’s so bloody tough.

Totally agree with this

Mine was exactly the same OP! Everyone was telling me to give a bottle but I knew it would be a slippery slope/risk nipple confusion and didn't want to. Went to all sorts of crazy lengths to get him to sleep but he was just a really poor sleeper - until one day he wasn't. I certainly found it very, very hard and he dropped down the weight charts as was huge at birth.

We took the side off his cot and tied it to our bed which helped a bit. I now think he had very narrow airways and couldn't actually breathe when laid down flat ( as you are told to do) as he would sleep much better/longer in the car in his car seat. But that didn't occur to me until I saw someone say it on a tv show after going to a sleep clinic.

You are not failing! You are in an incredibly tough time. I went through a very similar thing with my first and at the 4 month point I had barely slept. Dropped from 50th to 5th centile.

What you describe sounds like baby isn't getting enough milk so won't settle properly for long.
I saw a lactation consultant who told me that my baby was at the nipple but for a long time but not getting enough and eventually falling asleep exhausted. Mine had also had tongue tie corrected. the LC also pointed out that certain medications and health conditions can reduce the milk you produce- I have under active thyroid and that was a factor for me.
I introduced one bottle a day at first and moved to combi feeding. I carried on with this, still doing bedtime breastfeeds until he was nearly 2. It is possible to combine. After a few days he was a much happier, completely different baby and by 6 months he was back at 50th centile.
Looking back those first few months they took a huge toll on us both. I wish I had switched sooner.
Good luck op I hope things improve

Mine is 18 weeks now and I just got her out of contact naps she would only sleep if I walked around the room rocking her and then contact nap so I started sitting and rocking her and if she cried / back arched I stopped rocking once she stopped I started rocking again it worked really really well a few days and she would sleep like that. I then moved onto sleep well with Hannah's sleep course and my baby is asleep in her crib right now 4 weeks ago I was on the verge of a breakdown trying to get her to sleep the progress has been amazing !! I've always bottle fed so I'm no help with the breast feeding but would you consider maybe giving baby some bottles ?

Oh and now she loves her carrier it's her favourite place where as before she hated it so there is light at the end of the tunnel x

Re the slow weight gain, please reach out to a lactation consultant (lots do online consultations too) and get some advice, there will be small tweaks to make her feeding more effective. You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to, but you also are allowed to continue if you desire. You could also combination feed, a bottle of formula of an evening might give you some sleep and a break enough to feel less broken!

I can recommend Lucy Webber or Charlotte Trietl who are lactation consultants who do online appointments and have good experience supporting mums in situations like yours.

Big hugs xxxx

Also just on this - do you have a partner to help with a bottle? If so, Id leave all of it up to them - prepping, feeding and settling after. I did this on my second baby and my DH figured it out quickly enough. Did have to tough through hearing some cries which was really hard to do tbh, but they found their feet together. Having that autonomy in becoming the expert in part of the baby rearing has been great for their bond.

Ah OP I could have written this on my first child! It's so so tough around the 4 month mark. Just browsed the thread but teeth are probably making a move now too - you could try a dose of Calpol to see if it helps?

Her behaviour is very normal for an EBF child but just to say you don't have to do all or nothing. Your wellbeing is so important too, and switching to combi feeding is something a lot of mums do around the 4 month mark. You've done so well getting this far and there's no shame sharing the load with a formula bottle every now and then. You can still give the benefits of breastfeeding and use a nightly bottle for your rest. With a little sleep and time to yourself you'll feel a million times better.

Does she have a dummy?

she should fall asleep if she is full. Sounds like she is just not getting enough and so is hungry.

As pp have suggested, it could be worth trying a bottle at bedtime- then it doesn't mean that you are stopping bf, you are just supplementing it. I did the same as my baby was losing weight, and the HV was worried about her weight loss. Despite doing all the things you are meant to (bf on demand, pumping after each feed to increase my supply, drinking lots, resting, taking fenugreek, eating lots of galactalogues, even trying domperidone) I just couldn't make enough milk for my hungry baby- keep in mind that some medical conditions can make it harder to produce enough (ex. I have pcos and hypothyroidism). Many babies are happy to both breast and bottle feed. Also then your partner can give her a bottle at night, to let you.occasionally sleep a little longer. Sending hugs, I know how hard it is, but you'll come out the other side soon x

You have already done very well to EBF for 4 months, I had to combo feed from the start (told to by drs) as I didn’t have enough milk and I can promise you now that my very active and healthy 8 year old is doing fine!.
Start introducing one bottle a day in the afternoon or eve and see how they go. There is no shame in formula, fed is always best and you need to sleep for your babies interest as well as your own.

Is the four month sleep regression still a "thing"? When mine were wee we were told their sleep might get worse around 4 months, and mine certainly did! It picked up again.
You sound like a lovely mum, you are not failing your baby.

Formula feed.

It's perfectly fine and if it means you're a happier mum, you'll have a happier baby.

Perhaps you should look at it that your baby isn’t sleeping enough either, so a bottle might help her settle longer.