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AIBU?

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Original poster

Funeral Spa break?

59 replies

filthypawsoffmysilkydrawers · 22/10/2024 22:03

Sorry for the rubbish title - I don't know what else to call it!

My father died three weeks ago. The funeral is in a week and it's 500 miles away. I'm travelling with my sister to attend the funeral.

Today we were making travel arrangements. I suggested we book a nicer hotel than just the travellodge she was suggesting because I had found a good price and it was only marginally more and this place has a Spa. I said we could go to the funeral and wake, check out of the hotel the next morning but still be entitled to use the Spa facilities all day which we would be a nice relaxing thing for us to do after a really horrible time, then get an evening flight home.

Well, sister flew into a rage. Said she can't beleive I would use my father's funeral as an opportunity to have a Spa weekend, ignored my messages from that point on and won't answer her phone.

WIBU? It's not like I was suggesting we go clubbing or go-karting or something. Just a nice thing for ourselves as the last few weeks have been so horrendous, and an opportunity to spend time together.

She's made me feel awful. She could have just said no.

Just to be clear - money isn't the issue. It was very little more than the place she suggested and we've both just recieved generous inheritances. Plus she didn't say that.

Am I a horrible disrespectful bitch?

OP posts:
Wendysfriend · 22/10/2024 22:14

As others have said we all grieve differently, I come from a large family and we were all equally horrified at each others suggestions as of what to do the next day. There's no right or wrong, just what feels right for everyone. Tbh a spa sounds horrendous to me but I really hate them anyway but I can see your point about relaxing for 'you' does your sister dislike them anyway ? Maybe give her a bit longer and just explain again about the relaxing bit

PolishedPolly · 22/10/2024 22:12

I think what you have suggested is fine, and actually is a lovely idea after a stressful day. A bit of time together to unwind.

Being kind to yourself during a time when you are so sad is ok, actually it’s more than ok and we should be better at doing it.

After my mums funeral I sat in the garden with a Chinese meal and fizz. I enjoyed the sun and lay on a sun lounger while I drank Prosecco. It didn’t make my loss any less acute. I was devastated.

Sadly it was during Covid and although we did have a funeral tea, it was time limited.

NalafromtheLionKing · 22/10/2024 22:07

Do you have to share a room with her? If not, she can go ahead and stay in Travelodge while you stay separately in the other hotel (and enjoy the facilities without guilt tripping).

sweetpickle2 · 22/10/2024 22:07

I think you have both lost your father and are entitled to feel however you feel about that- you think a spa would be a nice thing to do after the funeral, she thinks otherwise. She shouldn't have flown off the handle at you, but I would give her some grace.

My personal opinion is what you suggested is fine, but I'm not your sister.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 22/10/2024 22:06

No I don’t think you’re a horrible bitch. But I don’t think she is either. I think she’s going through a horrible time and saw you as an opportune punch bag.
Maybe mentioning the spa was a bit much and you should have just said that you wanted somewhere calming when you’re trying to grieve, rather than somewhere that you might struggle to sleep. You can message this to her and explain that you misspoke and you understand why she would have misunderstood your intentions.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 22/10/2024 22:05

Not exactly, but I probably would have been more tactful about the spa element.

People grieve differently, give your sister a bit of breathing space for now.

FuzzyGoblin · 22/10/2024 22:05

People grieve differently and some find some things disrespectful whilst others don’t and vice versa.

Doggymummar · 22/10/2024 22:05

It does sound a bit cold to be honest.

Dotto · 22/10/2024 22:05

No you're not, not at all.

I feel her anger and upset is probably misdirected / coming from somewhere else.