Funeral Spa break?

Who are you, the funeral police?

A funeral is a really shit thing to go through. It is not remotely unreasonable to want to do something nice and relaxing the next day.

Anything that makes someone feel better when they're bereaved is a good thing, whether that's a spa break or anything else. Nobody gets a medal for making grief more miserable than it already is. You don't have to sit at home thinking about death and eating gruel after someone has died. You can grieve for someone while still having a massage and a nice meal, you know.

If OP's sister doesn't feel it would help her, that's fine. She doesn't have to join in. But she's being weird to begrudge the OP wanting to do it.

DP and I went to a country hotel for a couple of nights after his dad's funeral. We were both utterly wrung out emotionally and physically by grief, stress and even just all the admin and legal stuff and decision-making that comes along with a death. So we took ourselves off to a relaxing hotel and spent two days going for some nice walks and eating nice meals and not having to worry about work or cooking or cleaning for a couple of days. It didn't make us any less devastated by the loss of FIL, but it did certainly give us a couple of days' grace and of being looked after for a bit, in a lovely and non-depressing environment, before life had to go on again.

It really doesn't.

I totally understand that. I had a horrible bereavement in my early twenties (first boyfriend) and I did similar. It's a perfectly reasonable way to get through the awful pain

Thank you. It is awful but I cannot sit around being depressed and becoming ill.

I think it's very different from go karting or a theme park as it's quiet, contemplative, relaxing, and gives you a chance to talk. If sister doesn't want to do it then that's fine though of course.

I don't see anything wrong with it, OP. I'd just say to your sister that I'm sorry you feel that way or if I upset you, I was just suggesting it as it might be nice and relaxing for us.

FWIW I accompanied my mum to the funeral of her best friend. We went out for a nice meal the night before, shared a bottle of wine and talked about happier times with her friend.

No. I think its a lovely idea. Would any loving parent ever want to be 'respected' by their children to the extent they had to remain as miserable as possible after their funeral and forego any attempt to feel better or more relaxed? I'm sorry for your loss OP and sorry your sister has made you feel wrong. You're not. We should all navigate bereavement in the way that works best for us, and the goal is to get through it as painlessly as possible with our own wellbeing intact.

Honestly I recoilled at your title. Having read the full thread I think your heart was in the right place, but at first impressions the suggestion feels like trying to take advantage of a trip for a funeral and turn it into a nice little holiday which does come across as disrespectful to me. It's clear you didn't intend it this way, and your sister reacted overly harshly, but you are both in a very emotionally unstable place right now. I think all you can do is explain that you were intending to be comforting rather than disrespectful, and personally I would avoid booking into the spa for the sake of smoothing things over.

Says who?

I'm with your sister here.

A funeral is not the right time for a spa break.

Why not just do the spa break another time?

I am so sorry for your loss and I think you are quite right to take care of yourself in this way

Funerals are bloody exhausting so a spa sounds like a lovely idea. A lot of people have very strict ideas about what grieving should look like, and forget that it’s different for everyone.

I think you should book the spa hotel by yourself - it will be good for you to have a bit of space from your sister.

When some people are highly stressed or emotional with good reason they can acknowledge that it's the correct place at that time and where they want their mind to be however unpleasant it may feel.

Others suggesting that they try to change or reduce that state can cause great offence.

It would be similar to suggesting to somebody that they take a break when they are overwhelmed by work. It is clearly reasonable and with good intention, but often not received well

My adult dc died suddenly 2 weeks ago. I've had a massage, facial, been to several yoga classes and the gym, been out for dinner and am having my roots done at the weekend.

I feel better and calmer....it's what I normally do anyway so.i see no reason to deny myself things that will keep me healthy and strong.

I think it’s a lovely idea. You need all the small kindnesses for yourself when going through this.

Not unreasonable at all, would have given you time to chat and go over things - although to be fair days like that are draining and emotionally exhausting. I think you need to take it all with a pinch of salt as she is obviously hurting and overly influenced by what everyone else thinks is right and wrong. Will she be wearing black for a few years - doubt it so whats the problem with it

An excellent post.

Sorry for your loss OP, you are both grieving and your sister’s response was a little unkind.

There is no right way to grieve. My sister and I ensured our father’s wake was a celebration of his life, with pictures of him throughout his life, living, laughing and being with the people he loved. It prompted so many wonderful memories and stories from family and friends. However, my uncle took umbrage and thought the wake should have been more somber, he lives his life constantly worried about what others think.

Give your sister some space and hopefully she will come to realise that you too are trying to find your way through your own grief.

It was a good suggestion.
Grief makes us all unpredictable.
Lots of people feel guilty for not grieving 24/7.
There's no wrong reactions at this point.

I don't get what the issue is.

Death is sad but think what the dead person would want. Would they want yoy and your sister to sit moping in a crappy hotel or doing something nice together?

My grandad told us we were not allowed a funeral for him and instead to have a party on his next birthday!

It sounds like a good thought from you and she's rather over reacted. Chances are she'll have forgotten all about this in a few years time. Grief really does make people react weirdly.

We had a inter family hockey match the day of my mum's funeral. Go figure.

Is there anyone who can talk to her on your behalf just to sort logistics and explain you were trying to do a nice thing.

Honestly do it. If this is what your sister chooses to channel her rage into, let her be.

The week after my nan died my mum flew off on holiday. Cold? To some.

But she'd provided round the clock care, worked alongside it (WFH at her house), did childcare for my brothers and needed a break. We all did. She deserved that break.

I think it's a really nice idea but clearly not for your sister!
We all went for a lovely afternoon tea the day after my mum's funeral. I have really nice memories of it.

Sorry for your loss.

Having lost my own DF weeks ago I completely feel where your suggestion came from. I could really do with a spa right now to escape for a couple of hours from the completely joyless cycle of funeral planning and "deathmin".

As pps have suggested it's probably misplaced grief and anger-she probably feels like she will never be able to enjoy things she used to enjoy again. And it's easy to lash out at you because you're a sister and probably a "safer" person to be angry at, rightly or wrongly x

Britain has a pretty weird funeral culture compared to a lot of other cultures (I’m talking about white, English funerals specifically). There are historical reasons for this: the mass loss of life during WW1 meant mourning shifted from the ostentatious Victorian approach to something more private.

I imagine your sister has some unreflective assumptions about what a funeral (and the surrounding travel etc) should be like: miserable, bleak, joyless and that is why she has reacted so strongly to a suggestion that clashes with those assumptions. She is also almost certainly operating from a reactive place of anger and grief rather than behaving rationally. She sensed you have trespassed over some kind of unspoken boundary and is shocked and offended.

You are grieving too, and you haven’t done anything wrong.