To tie my child to the table

I just don’t believe that either, based upon my lived experience of seeing how, when required to, my DSS will sit and focus and learn things his dad is helping him with vs how his school allow him to run around all day and refuse to follow instructions and he’s making no progress there and can’t even read basic phonics when he can blend words together at home. Rules and routines and order help all children, neurodiverse or not. Requiring any child to sit all day long is obviously cruel, but having dinner time routines and expectations is not.

It is when you have to sit at a table that is the problem. When you don’t want to be there is when you arent learning

I don’t think ADHD means you can’t eat when sat at a table, nor does it mean you can’t learn sat at one. It undoubtedly makes it harder, means you get distracted and may want the use of fidget toys/wobble cushions etc. but it certainly isn’t impossible and I think many adhd people would be offended by the suggestion that they can’t do anything whilst sat down. You may have adhd and feel this way, but not everyone with adhd does (and yes I do know lots of people with adhd aside from my DSS, including multiple very close friends).

We had a new school friend, an 11 almost 12 yr old for dinner a couple of times recently. She has diagnosed ADHD so new territory for us. She made a number comments at her first meal which raised eyebrows. She doesn't ever eat dinner with her parents and sibling. She commented that she usually eats on her bed, I got the impression that might have been in front of a TV. She was doing her best but really found it hard to sit still and eat with us - if I'm honest I think it was as much as the novelty of it and the chat around the table that kept her there.

On the second occasion she spotted a solitare game [the board with the marbles, you hop one over the other] in the living room and brought that to the table ahead of dinner. I said nothing and left it there and headed my husband off at the pass [no games, phones, books usually allowed]. I did notice that she strayed to it occasionally but overall was much more settled at the table.

My point is this. Kids are wearisome, if they are not bouncing off the walls, they're bickering or you're prising a phone out of their hands as they get older. There's a different stage all the time. I think all you can do is wear it and when you really are at the end of your rope, write it off as a bad day and try not to take it personally. They get there mostly though I am sure there are many adults who struggle to leave a phone out of reach or switch the TV off to talk to their kids/flatmates/spouse.

Do what you need to do, even if its less than ideal to get through the bad days. Try not to use it as the easy way out every time or it does indeed become the rod for your own back. If your son can sit still in a restaurant [possibly because there's lots to sit and watch] then he's capable, it will come at home too.

💐

Having ADHD means that having to sit at a table. That is all that can be done. Eating, learning, listening or doing any other task is is not going to happen . Think of trying to not blink or breathe and being expected to only take 10 breathes and blink 10 times in the next 15 minutes. If you get down from the table you can breathe and blink as many times as you like
Would you be able to do that and eat your dinner whilst sitting at the table

For a NT person sitting at a table because they have to won’t exhaust them or cause a complete shut down.

That is the difference

Do you all sit and eat together? Just thinking about the nursery and restaurant scenarios where he seems to be OK, these are quite communal eating activities.

My DC has adhd so we spend our life factoring in best-timed movement opportunities. I find he's able to sit (I say sit, it's more like sit/kneel/sit/stand/kneel/wiggle/sit/fidget but he stays on the chair at least!) if we do something physical beforehand. For us, that's the dogs last walk of the day, just a short walk around the block but it means DC can run/jump/spin/stamp which seems to help at dinnertime.

I would start by asking the children to ask nicely before they get down from the table. At first, always say yes. But it can open up a discussion around why they want to get down, and can curb the impulse to just leap down and do whatever by slowing them down a bit. Once the habit is ingrained, you can begin to work on remaining at the table for longer. Sometimes just listening to the reason why they want to get down, and reassuring them that they can still go do that right after they've eaten, will really help.

That said, he is only 5 years old. I don't know any 5 year olds really that sit patiently at the table 100% of the time. I have also assumed you sit at the table to eat meals together as a family, because I think that's really essential too.

My 4 year old sounds similar.
He’s underweight so told he needs to eat more, yet has zero motivation for food. He isn’t bothered at all if he didn’t eat all day. Hes up and down from table every though dh and I sit at the table with him and eat at every meal, have done since weaning. He’s in Tripp trapp seat at child mode or can sit on main soft comfy bench if he prefers. We can’t just say sit or don’t eat, as he will happily take the don’t eat option.

We have recently started tv at the table which I know they say is bad, but he actually sits better than he ever has. Still messes around, but has eaten more in the last 2 months of doing it that the last 4 years. We use the iPad, and it’s not even kids shows but stuff we can all watch and talk about. Master chef, Simon reeves travel shows, Ben fogle etc. It keeps him engaged.

He also takes forever to go to bed. Yesterday had 4 hours forest school, swam 90mins, park with friends after, helped in the garden. Took him to bed at 7.45pm, and he finally fell asleep at 9.30pm. Regardless of bedtime he always takes min 1hr to sleep, often 2+hrs is we take him up too early before he’s tired.

strapping into a highchair at 4 is laughable imo. Mine would and has just unclip led straps and climbed out by 18-24months. He used to be able to unclip car seat really early also, maxi cosi told us it wasn’t possible for a 1-2 year old but it 100% was

Have you tried 5 mins before meals “get the fidgets out”? So DS would be asked to go and run in the garden/kick a ball/swing for 5 mins before I wanted him to sit still. If you are asking him to transition from a mostly stationary activity from when you were cooking he may be feeling restless

But that’s just not true. Developmentally children’s attention span and ability to sit still for longer periods naturally increases. My daughter knows not to run whilst eating and doesn’t. But she’s three and some days she finds it hard to sit for a whole meal. As I said, we set boundaries around it, and we stick to those but expecting a child of 3 sit like an adult is unreasonable.

Withold the stuff he does enjoy if food isn't a motivator.
Amazing how children in Europe manage to get through a meal both at home and in restaurants, without phones, pads, while sitting still, and interacting with adults, yet rarely happens in uk

Not sure why you've taken such a dislike in @gladflyingducks 's advice. I do think the suggestions are good.
My 3yo is also uninterested by food so keeping him at the table is a challenge. And although his behaviour isn't as wild as yours at home, he is much worst when we eat out.
Eating dinner together for instance has made a huge difference, he is more likely to eat, and he is learning to stay at the table until we are all finished (it's usually just him waiting 5 min but we're building it up). We also got those tall toddler chairs from IKEA, they are a bit higher than normal so it takes him more time to get up and down, so we usually have time to catch him before he's gone.

@mathanxiety oh please! Some 3-4 yr olds do and some don’t. As they grow and observe more and their attention span increases they get it. I’m not saying let them run wild with food in their mouth l but breaks between every few bites to move around isn’t unusual for this age.

My lil guy also had ants in the pants when it came to meals. I let him eat standing in his kitchen helper or roam around after a few bites and come back eat, roam, eat, etc. He’s almost 6 now and no issues with sitting. It’s one of those things that sorts itself out with time

This is a great book that totally reframed it all for me

My child won't eat by Carlos Gonzalez

amzn.eu/d/1vYpoHd

lol mine never sat sit, and especially not for food.

Meals out at that age were tough work and we had to go where there was accessible outdoor space

A child's ikea table with two low chairs helped, but sure why.

He still sits perched on his chair at almost 12 if he can get away with it.

Number two was completely different

I disagree that this is a phase, and you can expect it to blow over. Parents need to intervene firmly and consistently and train children to sit while eating.

Children of 3 can absolutely be expected to sit and eat a small bowl or plate of food without getting up and galloping around between mouthfuls.

It's the same sort of wildness that parents see in children who bolt away when out and about, run out into the road, etc. It's equally a health and safety issue. It is very dangerous to allow children to run around while eating, and it is possible to use reins / a harness to keep a child safe both outdoors and while sitting at the table.

If you don't tackle it, they will not learn that this is not how meals are conducted (or not to run off while outdoors), and your life will be far more stressful in the long run than it needs to be.

We let him watch TV. It keeps him sat and he eats really well for ages!

My child who was constantly on the go and had absolutely no hunger or thirst signals turned out to have ADHD.

You may find when he starts school that someone suggests having him tested, which could be helpful.

Or picnic, lots of little tapas style things eating on floor

@Deadbeatex this post.

There was a reason the rich had nurseries where nannies struggled with children away from the adults eating peacefully.
Not evry child does want to sit and eat they have too much going on.

You have to reframe the entire thing and come at it from a totally different pov which means he may eat distracted by TV, games or on the go. Or driving some where or in his buggy.

That statement applies to anyone (child or adult, ND or not)

I couldn’t do 30 minutes sat still as an adult

Creating a battleground around food isn’t going to end in a child seated and happily eating dinner.

Being ND doesn’t mean you can sit at a table at nursery so you can sit at one at home

It means that you can sit at a table when you absolutely have to or want to (up to a point) but will end up under extreme stress if you don’t want to
When you get home the last thing you want to do is do something that you don’t feel like doing

30 minutes is a ridiculously long time for a small child to sit at a table