For sending only one of our daughters to private school

I have no advice, but I went to a selective state school and my younger sister and brother were educated privately for pretty much the same reasons you are considering private education for DD2.
I did OK, I don't think I would have done any better at private school; I was never jealous of my siblings and don't feel I missed out on anything. I had opportunities they didn't and vice versa.
Good luck with your decision.

She would be going as she has a scholarship. Did DD1 ever get offered one?

I went private and my sister went to a state school. It has honestly never ever caused any issues, nor did we ever speak about it! Those were just our schools, kids accept things , they probably aren’t even aware of the costs.
We both felt loved by our parents, we have a close family unit still. Ultimately we both got the same degree mark too!

I would invite DD1 to the Open Day but then let her decide.

As others have said, it's ensuring they're in the right environment for THEM that matters, and it sounds like you've chosen this very carefully. You're lucky to have the option to be able to go either private or state, but the main thing is that they're happy and thriving where they are. I went to both private and state schools, and there clearly are personalities that are better suited to either establishment, so there's no 'one size fits all' approach to this.

Your 10 year old daughter has a diploma in cello and piano?!! As in a post grade 8 qualification? Wow! That sounds like a rare talent with the potential to be a soloist. Is a music scholarship at a private school the best path for her? Shouldn’t you be considering a music specialist school for her, although that would probably mean boarding?

To answer your actual question, I think you need to visit the school with DD1 and weigh up the pros and cons. If the state school is the best fit for her, I would suggest you keep revisiting the idea with her over the years. Let her know that her talents lie elsewhere and you will do whatever it takes to nurture them, whether that is sending her to a fee paying school, paying for tuition, extra or supercurricular opportunities, a masters or higher degree etc so she knows that you aren’t favouring her sister.

Both our children took the 11 plus and the exam for a selective independent. We made it clear they could only go private if they got a bursary. Dd got a bursary, as well as the option of two grammars, which were much further away than the private school, so she chose the independent. Ds didn't get an offer from the independent school, and only got one grammar offer, so he went there. I felt a bit sorry for him as he had a much longer journey, but we'd prepared him as well as we could for the independent school exam and he wasn't actually fussed about going there anyway, so I suspect he didn't perform at his best in the exam!

He's never expressed any sense of unfairness (they're both young adults now) but he does know they both had the same opportunities at the same point.

My parents sent one of us (out of five) to an independent school. They vaguely gave me the option but not the younger three - although two were able to apply to grammars and one got in. The three of us that didn't go to the grammar or independent did have a much worse education at our run-down, underfunded comp and we did sometimes resent the money that was being spent on the one sibling's education as it meant our mum was stressed out working as a supply teacher to pay for it! And we knew that those funds spent elsewhere would have potentially benefited everyone (holidays etc..).

I think your situation is more like the first example - except dd1 may wish that you'd offered her the private school in year 6, before she'd made friends and settled at the other secondary.

Let DD1 have a taster day at the private school - she will then be in a better position to make a decision

We did the same. Son, very musically talented, went to a specialist music school (on a generous bursary), daughter went to local state school. It was what suited them both and they were happy with. They are equally academic.
They are now 23 (son) and 20 (daughter). Both well adjusted and are very close, with never any trace of resentment from my daughter. I might have made up for it a bit, financially, over the years, to her. But not that noticeably.

Maybe further down the line your older daughter may want a year abroad in the country of the language she is learning.

Fair doesn't mean doing the same. My sons didnt go the same school for different reasons but we've tried to even out opportunities.

My PILs did this and honestly... DH understands why but is a bit resentful. But every spare penny went on the school fees and , his brother unfortunately ended up a bit entitled and still lazy (which is why he didn't pass the 11+).

However... you will have money available for DD1. Your younger DD obviously works hard. If both girls ate happy, that is an i.lortant thing.

Keep her where she is if she’s happy. She may not settle at private. Just because it’s private does not mean it’s better, coming from a privately educated person. State schools have all the same opportunities I was afforded nowadays. If she’s happy, you’ve won the education lottery; don’t move her. 😍

I think what you are proposing sounds ideal, provided both girls are happy with and understand the decisions too. You are lucky to have schools that suit both girls needs nearby and they are lucky to have parents to understand and be able to support their needs. I'd go ahead with it.

Will you have to cut back in other areas e.g. holidays, days out to afford the private school fees (and all the costs relating to DD2's music)?

One thing that definitely will make DD1 envious is if she sees she is losing out to the advantage of her sister.

DD1 not caring doesn't mean a no, though. If she was completely against the idea of changing schools she would say. It sounds like she is leaving it for you to decide. I understand your reasoning behind it, but siblings tend to be quite sensitive to being treated differently so this might come back to bite you one day. You could explain to her that she is naturally brighter than her sister, but what she might hear is "...but not important enough to spend money on".

I think you need to have another discussion with her.

It is not about money, it is about equality of support.

It doesn't end at school. You don't know if your eldest will need more financial support at University perhaps, say, because she chooses to study medicine for six years or ends up in an expensive place, or wants help funding a Masters. Or even after. DD is working in a low cost part of the country so, with some deposit help from us, has been able to buy a property. DS lives in an expensive area, where the same amount of help would not allow him get on the ladder. His career is still quite mobile so he is not bothered. We have offered to pay for driving lessons because we paid for his sister years ago, but he does not need to run a car. I am sure it will even up one day. They both know that we are there and that decisions are based on need not favouritism.

In addition if a child is happy, settled and thriving as a school you don't move them. Why would you take that risk? Paying for your second to get the attention she needs in order to thrive sounds fine.

It sounds fair enough. Older siblings have natural advantages over younger ones so you're not favouring the younger one by sending them to private school, you're just evening the playing field a little. If the older one doesn't like that, tough.

It sounds like you are offering them different opportunities as they are different people. Not that you are offering one opportunity that is better than another

We know two families that have done this resilient older girl settled and happy in state things gone awry for younger ones socially educationally so moved the younger only to private.

Both the older ones now 18 are friends of dd1 and they are both absolutely fine with it and bear zero resentment. They fully understand the trajectory of the decision. Just anecdotal I know but just for reassurance.

I sent my DD to private because it's what she needed. You pick the school for the child, treating everyone the same is actually sometimes unfair.

YANBU, we have children in a similar set up, child at grammar is very happy and does not want to move, private school child equally thriving. I think just keep the conversation open and opportunities the same: eg your first child can move if she wants to, if there is something DD1 wants like a trip abroad, try to facilitate. Good luck 😊 (oh and I have family members who went to specialist schools for music and sports, I don’t think there’s any regrets and I wouldn’t hold one child back because the other is in state).

I wouldn’t change DD1 to a different school if she is thriving where she is, you would not even be considering it if it wasn’t for dd2.

You say you can afford it and are conscious of the financial disparity so maybe (without telling them) put money aside for a time when DD1 may need it or has an amazing opportunity that you can support and therefore level the playing field a bit.

Whilst I think it's a good thing that you discussed with them, I don't think you can really put this on children to make these decisions.

It's a really difficult situation because as parents we all want to do the best thing for each child; but this could have a significant impact of them in the future.

I speak from the experience as my family went though this with me and my sister. Whilst there wasn't a music element, our parents chose to send me (the younger) to private school while my sister stayed at state school.

Our parents asked my sister how she felt, and there was a suggestion to move house to send us both to a different state school. However my sister didn't want to. She was settled where she was; she had friends; and she didn't want to switch schools at that point.

We're now in our 40s and my sister is still very bitter about this. She feels that I was given opportunities that she wasn't. My parents shrug this off as "well she was given the choice..." but I don't think you can put these kind of life-affecting decisions on a child.

If dd2 is destined for a career in music then I think you may be able to justify sending her to a music school, but honestly I would be very careful.

Fine because you've offered to match it and she's said she's happy where she is. I wouldn't move a 14 year old unless they really wanted to, and private isn't always better for every child. Maybe tell her she's always welcome to change her mind and give her a free choice of private or state options for 6th form.