For sending only one of our daughters to private school

I disagree about it being unfair, it makes no sense to move DD1 when she is settled at a good school and is thriving simply to try to make it "fair", and it makes no sense to deprive DD2 attending a school that will obviously bring out the best in her simply because you don't want DD1 to be upset.

Her decision should be based on what is best for each child. Yes she should have a discussion with DD1 so she understands why but she shouldn't pull DD1 out or deprive DD2 simply to be fair.

In terms of other aspects. Our friends children had other differences that emerged - elocution, friendship circles and the opportunities that come with that, confidence, soft skills, connections, sports ability at all levels, language skills and travel, cultural and access. Academics and music are not the only differences.

My older sister and I went to state school, my younger to private. We didn't resent it at all. I'm not sure of my parents reasoning but the state schools in the area were very good and we (me and my older sister) were not disadvantaged.

If your y6 daugher has a post-grade-8 diploma in both cello and piano that is a rare talent. Have you considered specialist music schools like the Purcell School for her? Is she at least attending one of the saturday junior music colleges at e.g. Guildhall or RCM? I can't imagine any school, private or not, being able to cater to that level of ability in a child that age!

I think this is fine as long as you have open lines of communication and DS1 genuinely is equally happy and has equal opportunities.

Is it just one private school they can both go to? Are there no selective private schools near you that might suit the older child better? I think asking your dd to make the decision at 14 is a bit underhanded - she isn’t old enough to make a decision like this. YOU need to research all the options available to her on her behalf and then guide her.

IME an academic child often benefits more from the right private school than a non-academic one. Some Private schools are more likely to have parents volunteer to offer internships in high status roles etc.

You've offered her the opportunity to go and she's old enough to understand your reasoning for sending DD2. Why not save some of the money you would have spent on school fees for DD1 and keep it aside should she need it in the future. It shouldn't automatically be hers because that wouldn't be fair on DD2 (as she can't help where her abilities lie).

I have seen this exact scenario play out and it will come up as an issue at some point.

I would set aside the money the equivalent difference for dd1 and offer her the opportunity to attend PS one last time.

It will become an issue regardless of how agreeable your dd1 is now if dd2 really excels as is likely in her new school. It might become a bone of contention, that’s not a reason to not go ahead with it, only to prepare yourself adequately. Maybe dd1 has her uni fees paid or a deposit for a property.

As long as it is fair - then dd1 should emerge happy with her decision and have some benefit too. I think she is too old to move and would worry about her socially and academically given she has started or is on the cusp of GCSES now.

Treating your children equally does not mean treating them the same.
I send 2 children to private and 2 not. Dd2 is very dyslexic and she was moved to a private school ds followed her there due to my not being able to be 3 places within 30 mins. Dd2 was there 2 years ds 1 then we moved to a different area where they all went to state school.

Mine are adults now they have never minded who went private and who didn't.

Sil still begrudge she was not sent to private school. This is despite the grammar she went to was better than the local girls private school. She feels her parents didn't value her education. Ironically she later chose to send her younger son to private school while older was at state. Neither of her sons are bothered about they they were in the schools that suited their learning needs. They are early 30s now and doing well in their chosen careers.

I think the difference is when parents doesn't talk with their child about this. Explain why and how and ensure that there are other opportunities for the child not at private school. When that gets done there is little to no resentment.

Well, if you have the discussions with DD1, the visit and you all feel she's better where she is, that seems fine.

I'm sure this doesn't apply to you as you sound invested in DD1, but just in case: What will make the difference is spending as much time with both DDs and their interests - sadly sometimes siblings of competitive youngsters have a lot less time invested in them and that can cause much more resentment than how much money is spent on them.

If she prefers to stay where she is, it would be pretty simple to automatically transfer an identical sum as is spent on DD2 into an account for DD so it can be spent on things specifically for her benefit as and when she wants them.

The siblings I know who had similar situations have ended up as adults with very similar outcomes financially, career-wise etc, although in quite different fields since they are and were very different people.

I don't think this is a case of one having better opportunities than another: each has been found an environment in which they can thrive. Their parents have bothered to provide each of them with an education bespoke to them as individuals. It's clear they'll keep investing in them in other ways too. That's much better than just shoving both in private school and expecting the cost to translate to quality.

Op I’ve been in your position. My girls went to a private primary school. The secondary school dd1 liked best was state. Her sister preferred a private secondary school. Dd1 knew that she could go to a private school, viewed them and still chose the school she liked best. Even in year 9 I gave her the opportunity to do her GCSEs in a private but she was happy where she was. Now she’s doing A levels she has chosen to go back to private. Dd1 has had access to all the opportunities she wanted to and has no problem with us spending more money on the school that best suited her sister.

My sister went to a local grammar school, I didn’t pass 11+ so went to a small private school. My sister is more academic than me, having the wider extra curricular offering at a private school suited me more. We’re in our 30’s now, we both believe our parents did the right thing for us at the time, my sister doesn’t resent the fact they spent money on my education and not hers, as she thrived at the grammar school.
As other posters have said, every child’s different, and you have to make the decision based on their individual needs.

This is textbook “equality vs equity”

i think you need to reframe your thinking & don’t put so much emphasis on the private school being so much “better”
The state school for Dd1 is fantastic for her. She’s thriving in that environment. You have given her the option to move & have the same opportunity, tell her that offer/option is open to her at any stage of her education.
congratulate dd2 on earning her place & tell her she has the option to opt back out to state school if she wishes.
The only “unfair” thing would be telling DD1 that you can’t afford for her to do something she really wants to because the money has gone on DD2 education.

If DD1 is at all put out by the fact you are spending more money on DD2's education/musical interests, then put aside the equivalent amount into a savings account for DD1 to help with university fees.

And she might go to Uni and cost you a fortune whereas other child may make a different choice. Or you'll pay for driving lessons and eldest will pass after 7 tests and younger will pass full time. As long as the options are available,I believe it's fine to do different

I think most teenagers would be furious if their parents removed them from a school they were happy with, and had friends at, to send them to another school. So so long as she feels consulted, and is happy to stay, it shouldn't be an issue. But make it clear she can change her mind in the future (obvs not mid exams) and that she feels it is genuinely her choice. It could actually be good for the sisters to go to a different school so that one doesn't feel overshadowed/in competition with the other.

And yet by sending the younger child to the state simply because it suited her sister, you are affording the older sibling better opportunities (the school that meets their needs) which will impact the younger child's life far more than what op is proposing.

Op you can afford to send them both to private and to pay for whatever activities they want. I think if older daughter knows this, and knows she's free to ask for the opportunity, then it's fine. You can do something to one just because you did it to the other. They're different people.

My siblings and I were like your children in this situation. I (eldest) went to an academically selective high school, whereas my siblings went to the local private school, paid for by my parents. I never begrudged the difference- our schools suited each of us and our needs best, and that is what was important. I didn't see it as being treated differently, but both being seen as individuals. I do think it was important that I was already happy at my school, if I was unhappy I may have wanted the opportunity to move schools if my parents were considering funding private schooling.

I would also say that I never expected my parents to even things out financially between us based on what they spent on my sibling's education, as there is no sense of having a tally sheet on what was spent on each of us, they just used what they had to take care of each of us as we needed it.