For sending only one of our daughters to private school

If DD1 is happy to continue where she is now, and DD2 wants to attend the private school then so long as you can afford it I would explain to both daughter's that I plan to allocate X amount each month for education/activities. Any money not needed now is put in savings for each daughter to use later on whether that be for uni, house deposit whether. This prevents any feeling of favouritism. I do a similar thing for my children re activities as eldest does a lot, some of which can involve nights away, equipment etc whilst the younger prefers just going to a local charity run youth group.

My children attend selective state schools in Australia and this is a fairly standard setup. If siblings don’t get offered a place at a selective school they are sent to a private school. I’ve never heard of it causing jealousy. My DD wouldn’t have traded her selective school for any private school.

YANBU. The two schools cater to different types of students. You shouldn't punish one child by making them go to a school that isn't the best fit for them.

Are there ways that DD1s interests can be supported at a higher level (if she wishes)? Like paying for a language holiday/camp? Since you can afford to pay for both children to go to private school, why not put the money you would have paid for DD1 to attend in a separate bank account and give it to her when she graduates, or put it towards new interests she may develop as she gets older.

Imagine your sibling being afforded much better opportunities than you.

Which one is being offered better opportunities in this scenario? It seems like they’re both being offered the better opportunities for them? If DD1 is Oxbridge calibre, for example, she’ll have a better chance at a great state school than a not especially academic or prestigious private school.

@FlakySwan sorry, cross posted with you there. Seriously impressive commitment there.

Also consider extra curricular activities afforded to children who attend private schools...state educated children just won't get the same kind of opportunities.

I think definitely give DD1 the choice and make it a real choice. So take her round the private school, maybe even let her do a taster day there. So she can make an informed decision if staying where she is is the right thing for her.

And it sounds like it would be fair to make some more money available to her for summer schools etc.

@OhTediosity the ABRSM system is accessed all over the world so it could well be the same qualification. There aren't masses of kids at DD2's specialist school with ARSM diplomas at the age of 10, but I think there are some. She is not one of them - is taking one now at 15 - but cello and piano are two of the instruments where it would be normal to take them earlier.

It sounds like you have made a sound choice - would you have the same worries if both the schools were state schools? Does it therefore come down to the fact that you are going to be paying for one child's education and not the other? Would you be concerned that at some point in the future the unfunded child will then feel hard done by? If this is the worry and you can afford it I suggest putting by the equivalent funds for her to have at some point in the future 18, 21, for a car, deposit on a home, etc) so she won't reflect that she was somehow disadvantaged. My mother was in a similar situation in that her brother was the only one of three to attend a private school and my mum feels he had an advantage over them in choice of career, opportunities etc. We can't know everything that will happen in the future, keep checking in with your daughter's re their choices and that will hopefully make them feel responsibility in their choice of education in the future.

This and be open and honest with them both about it that you are setting aside funds for DD1 for university.

DD2 has this opportunity because she has been offered a scholarship which is not just due to talent but presumably a lot of hard work and practice?
DD1 also has the opportunity but is choosing [at present] not to take it.

Just to add a personal perspective, my sister went to private school whilst I stayed in mainstream school. I hate her for it….

I’m completely joking, I didn’t care then (12 and she was 7) and I don’t care now. We had completely different needs and her going to private school got her to the position I was in at mainstream school. You know your girls OP and you know what they need

No you are using the funds in the best way possible for each child.

I think being offered the opportunity at year 8 when she’s already settled in her current secondary school isn’t the same as being consulted at year 6.

I've sent one of my three to a private (Independent Grammar) school. The first two did fine in secondary, DD was doing okay where she was but didn't particularly enjoy it as she doesn't do well in big groups. We relocated and the choice was between being allocated a place wherever there was space (and the only school with space wasn't at all right for her) or paying for two years of private school.
Her older brothers understand the situation and aren't bothered at all.
You do what's right by each child with the knowledge and resources you have at the time.

I understand why posters are getting excited about a post grade 8 diploma at the age of 10 but I think something is getting lost in translation here as it doesn't sound like OP is in the UK. An ARSM diploma is a level 4 qualification equivalent to the first year of an undergraduate degree.

Agreed

Put the equivalent you spend on DD2 (school and music) in a trust / account for DD1 for when she has finsished education. She can then spend the money on further education/ flat deposit - whatever she would like.
that is the only way to make it fair.

You need more feedback from people on the receiving end of such a decision than from parents who have a vested interest in justifying their own decisions. I've met a few people who had been sent state while their siblings had been sent private and every single one of them, no matter how successful they turned out as adults, harboured deep-felt jealousy and resentment towards their parents for not giving them the same opportunities. Personally, I would never do it.

This was the situation in my family. I was the older daughter at a great grammar. My younger sister at a private school as less academic. I was fine with it at the time but the resentment has built since. Decades on. If you think about it, it's the very start of giving yourself permission to give more resources to one child than the other because they need 'more help'. (In my case, both of us had a great start in life and had loads going for us. It's not like one had a disability). Whether that's more help with money for further education or a house deposit, more help with childcare etc. This is the pattern that has now been established that the younger sibling simply needs more help with everything and the eldest is seen as doing fine and overlooked. I feel very strongly that this isn't fair. I intend to set the same money aside for both kids so that if one gets private school, the other can have a pool of funds for something else...like a masters degree, or house deposit etc...even if that means the one with private school has to do without something later on.

Personally I don’t think that by sending her private you are giving her more opportunities than her sister. Where we live, the selective state schools often have better GCSE and A Level results than some of the local privates (it’s mixed, some privates are very results driven but some are sporty and pastoral and their academic results really aren’t that brilliant). We would much prefer our kids to go to the selective state than the private if they can get in as we think it offers better opportunities as well as a more well rounded experience. I don’t think it’s quite as black and white as some suggest.