For sending only one of our daughters to private school

My older sibling went to a private secondary school which they started from year 6, not year 7. They're very very clever and our primary school just wasn't good enough. My parents couldn't afford the fees at first but then made it work. I was supposed to go to a grammar school but didn't get in. I never minded going to a normal school and my sibling going private. Private school would have been wasted on me. With my cousins, one went to grammar and the other went to private. I think it's more common than people realise. I don't think it's unfair. We are all different.

Regardless of cost send them where they are suited. Your elder daughter may be happy where she is so may not want to move anyway. Mine go to different schools as they have different needs. If I’d had to pay I would have made the same decision.

The private/state schooling issue is a red herring here.
The standard of your 10 year old DD2's musical talent is so prodigious (unless something is being lost in translation) that it is a significant investment of family resources - both time and financially. It sounds like you have plenty of money and can afford to ensure the same amount of money is available for DD1 if/when she needs it in the future.
The bigger issue is the investment of parental time that DD2 gets because of her huge talent, and the knock-on effect on DD1. (And of course, issues for the prodigy themselves can often arise as they get older.)
Your DD1 doesn't have the kind of prodigal talent DD2 has - or she'd be working at degree level already. But our worth isn't linked to our talent, and this is something important for both your girls to learn.
In your shoes, I'd be spending as much time as possible with DD1 just connecting... go to the cinema/theatre to catch shows that DD2 is too young for, going for coffee and to visit a bookstore, going to museums and galleries. I'd also take DD1 to visit the private school on a separate trip to DD2, and ask the school to focus on DD1 and her abilities while she's there. Separately, I'd be trying to ensure that DD2 has as much time as possible to just be a kid, and that the pressure on her WRT to music is as low as possible.

Sit DD1 down and ask her how she would feel about it if that would help your conscience. However YADNBU as you're giving both adds the education you feel suits them both best. You're not taking from one to give to the other.
What would be Unreasonable would be to not give DD2 that amazing scholarship opportunity just because you personally feel it's uneven. That would be awful

It seems you're parenting responsively. Why not ask your older daughter how she feels?

I went to a smaller selective state grammar school after passing my 11+, my brother went to a large top private secondary school. We were both privately educated at primary school.
While academically the secondary schools gave similar exam results our experiences while there were wildly different. You cannot underestimate the difference in experience.
Luckily both my brother and I have had success in life but if backed into a corner I would say that it does sting that my brother had over £100k more invested in his education by our parents than I did. This is the kind of thing that isn’t a problem when life is going well, I can easily see how in a family this could create rifts in the future if life success was to turn out differently

Yanbu. There are 3 options

1. send each child to the school that meets their needs best.

2. send dd2 to state school even though you can afford more suitable school that suits her better so both sisters are the same.

3. also move dd1 to private school even though thriving and happy at current school so both sisters are the same.

In my mind option 1 will have least chance of causing resentment. As long as dd1 knows you feel her school is best for her, but if she would like to explore other private schools you will then i am sure she will be happy with her choice.

Trips to museums, watching documentaries together, reading about her areas of interest so you can discuss them knowledgeably, choosing family holiday destinations for connections to her areas of interest, attending public lectures at universities…?

OP's daughter has obtained an extremely high standard in both piano and cello at a very young age. It is more than a hobby.

I'd put the same amount of money away for dd1 with the caveat that she can access it for educational activities/trips/experiences as and when required. That way she is in the school that suits her and can't complain that dd2 had better chances in life
Presumably dd1 wad offered the chance to learn musical instruments but it wasn't her forte so she can hardly complain that dd2 is 'lucky' to be in a musical oriented schooling programme.

This scenario sounds rather familiar in some ways, from my own background. We grew up in Australia but missed the expansion of selective schooling. Had an academically selective state school been available to me that would have been the right place for me to go; as it was I obtained an academic scholarship. My younger sister was also academic and a music scholar, at a school with more extensive music than mine. As an adult she has at times expressed resentment to my parents not "letting her" go to the Con high - but by the time we would have been there it had stopped being academically selective and their academic teaching was woeful (I've subsequently confirmed that with people I've met in the UK who were there!!). It was very important to my parents that my sister could choose to make a music career rather than it being forced on her or just assumed; and in fact she did a year of another course at uni before committing solely to music.

Towards the end of school (once I'd stopped my music lessons) my mother sometimes expressed her concern that they were spending increasing amounts on my sister compared with me. National music camp cost a lot more than my subsidised maths and science camps for example! I didn't feel I was missing out (and in fact I now use the first high quality instrument that was bought for my sister....)

OP it sounds like you are getting a lot of things right for both of them from things you mention. Being involved in a conservatorium orchestra sounds at least partly equivalent to the junior music Saturday programmes that exist in London and a few other places in the UK. (Anecdote given how many people on the thread have mentioned specialist music schools - I remember a boy I was in a junior string orchestra with when we were in year 6, who left to go to the Menuhin school ...)

One thing I would say though, is be prepared for the costs for your musician daughter to continue on and on. An internationally respected musician who met my sister towards the end of her BMus asked why she wasn't in Europe? Purely finances - my parents didn't have the resources to send her to courses and competitions. By the time she had graduated then worked for a year to save up to move to the UK and try, it was almost "too late" (very early 20s!!).

Your best option as I see it is to continue looking out for both their needs and giving them time. Do check before year 11 if there is reason and opportunity for your eldest to move school (including from one selective to another - is that something that happens?). Do keep looking out for courses and competitions and challenges for your eldest. Make sure that she knows money is available if there is something she really wants to do.

Good luck!

I think you are being extremely reasonable. :) you are considering all points and just making sure everyone is where they would be happy and thriving.

I'm sure you can make up to your oldest by paying something extra for her like uni or mortgage deposit in a few years or whatever she needs!

Just as an extra point. My sibling attended a private school for A levels and my parents paid massive amounts of tuition and I went to a state school. I never once thought that was unfair as we are just different people and had different opportunities.

Ah… you aren’t in the UK. I was going to ask that when you said conservatorium. The British music colleges/conservatoires (tertiary/university level) have Saturday junior music colleges where highly gifted students come from all over the country to take music and theory lessons, play in orchestras and smaller groups. I agree with a PP that diploma level in year 6 is an extraordinary level of talent. What does her teacher suggest? Are there no boarding music specialist schools in Australia? Not that I would really want my child to board at that age but we are talking about a uniquely gifted child…

This happened to my OH. He passed the 11+, his twin didn't, his parents felt they were equalising by sending her to an independent school. He has huge resentment about this, feels he wasn't supported, it didn't help that he utterly hated his school, but the offer was never there to find the perfect fit for him.
His sister was also quite accomplished in a hobby which took up a lot of his parent's time and money.
He is close to his sister but not his parents.
As a result we've tried very hard to bring our kids up equally. If one had won a full scholarship then we may have gone with it as we are not spending more on one, but a part scholarship, no.

I think doing this is more likely to cause resentment than sending them to different schools.

Maybe DD2 would rather have money invested for her, than go to private school? And as she's 10/11, she's too young to be able to choose.

If the information posted by @FlakySwan is correct, her Dd2 isn’t gifted in the sense of ‘a nice hobby’. She would be surely considered one of the most talented children in her country and looking towards a very successful career in music. Virtually no state school could support that.

My 2 went to different schools at secondary level. Eldest to a great state school that supported his interests and level of academic ability. The younger went to a very small independent that got him through without getting into too much trouble and nurtured his talents. They both achieved extremely similar results.

I can say with my hand on my heart that neither has a shred of resentment. We made the decision based on them as individuals.

‘I think your reasoning is good and you have involved your DD1 in discussion, which I think is important.’

What’s she supposed to say - don’t give the youngest the opportunity?? It’s a lot of pressure on her, she’ll certainly feel as if she couldn’t object. Leave her out of it .Time to put your big girl pants on, make a decision and be prepared to deal with consequences.

I'm the elder sister in this scenario, state grammar educated. My younger sister went off at 13 to a private girls' boarding school, where it took her 3 attempts to pass O level maths. I felt and still feel about as much resentment as you'd expect: zero. But I can work on cultivating some frothing indignation, if it helps?

I think this is fine - as long as Dd1 knows the option is available to her should she want it let her decide. If she chooses to stay at state you can always offer to pay off her Uni fees/living in lieu.

Perhaps you just genuinely have a softer spot for the youngest and want to make her life as easy as possible. You’ve made her sound more interesting than the oldest in here.

This is a tricky one, from the reading the title I thought it’s not fair but after reading your reasons and the fact that DD1 is happy, settled and doing well in her current school I think it’s ok. Like others have said offer DD1 the school and make the offer again for private sixth form or the equivalent.

IMHO - I have many friends who were treated differently with private versus schooling - you are likely laying down future issues for their relationship with each other and with you as parents.
It doesn’t matter what way you cut it - favouring or being seen to favour one over like this will cause resentment.

It doesn’t matter your reasons - these are real examples - girl who didn’t read as well as sibs at a certain age, boy who was into a particular sport, boy who was sent as it was dad’s old school, not enough money for youngest child, only money for one, dad who wanted to see how they would turn out if one went private and one went state…

DO NOT treat them differently. It’s not just about picking a school that suits - and you know it. 2 different private schools, fine or 2 different state schools also fine but NOT spend a butt laid of money on one’s education and not the other .

DD went to selective grammar school and DS went to private school. DD had a good education and chose her school and was perfectly happy with her brother going to private school. Both went to university and we paid for DDs MA which in those days probably equalled the cost of her brother’s schooling.

My firstborn is very academic and capable of getting into a very good grammar school and would thrive there and fit in well.

My second born is average academically but sporty and we will consider the local good all rounder private school as well as the good (but very big with some behaviour issues) comp if she can't get into grammar or wouldn't be happy there. DD1 would fit grammar better than either of those options.

I think you need to do what is best for each child.