For sending only one of our daughters to private school

Haven't RTFT but this situation applied to me as a child - in the 60s so you may feel it isn't relevant today, I don't know.

In my area then, everyone did the 11+ exam and I went to the local grammar which was a 15-20 minute walk away at the age of eleven. There were 2 school years between my brother and I.

In that time, my father got a better-paid job in a nearby town which had a very good private school. Out of interest they entered him for the entrance exam a year early - and he passed. Unfortunately he was a bit too far out of the catchment area to get an assisted place - that went to his friend who lived a bit closer - so although they had to pay fees, they felt they still had to give him that chance. At the time they explained this to me, and they said that if I wanted, they could pay the fees for me to go to the private girls' school there too. I think I was in the equivalent of Year 8 at the time.

We discussed it and I decided I didn't want to. I was at a good school, my commute was a LOT shorter than his ended up being, it had taken me a long time to settle in and we were all worried that I might not do so as a new starter in an already established class. Also, although he made friends, they were not in his local area - so he had to travel to socialise. I think the after school commute was the worst though (Dad couldn't give him a lift home as it was too early). By the time he got home, I had already done at least one lot of homework - I felt he had a much more tiring day than I did because of that.

I have never regretted not going to that school and I have never judged or blamed my parents for their decision - they did consult with me after all. However a few of my brother's friends/girlfriends assumed that my parents had been willing to pay for their son's education but not their daughter's. I know this wasn't the case - but certainly one gf continued to believe this and to state it, despite being told the situation. There will always be those who judge.

Edit: I forgot to mention the sixth form. They paid 5 years of fees, but the sixth form was free, however they were less impressed with the sixth form - something to do with the timetabling and the use of student teachers struggling with poor behaviour (yes! in the sixth form!) with exam classes. They went in to complain about the latter and were told by the Head that this never happened. The next day, the class had their usual teacher back.

I haven't read all the way through but from my experience, I'd keep her in the state school. I was in a state school (not a selective one - although I did pass to go to a grammar). I was top set in everything, they were really nurturing of my academic abilities. In year 9 my parents came into some money and wanted to send me to a private school. I did - it was horrific. I scraped by my GCSEs, had no friends and hated every minute of it.

As a PP suggested, maybe put some money aside for DD1, so that if she wants to take up an activity or something, there's money there for that.

I wouldn't presume for your DD1 that private = a better education. It definitely wasn't that way for me (or my DH).

I was sent to private school for the last two years of secondary due to mental health problems. My elder sister stayed at state school right through. We’ve discussed it since and she takes the view that she’s happy she didn’t have my problems.

From what you’ve said, sending DD1 to the private school would actually be a case of removing her from a school that suits her well and sending her to one that is less suitable purely for the sake of “being fair”. That’s madness! Send DD2 to the right school for her, and keep DD1 in the right school her. Since you’ve said you could afford it, you could potentially move DD1 at a later date if the current school stopped suiting her.

Treating them fairly doesn't mean treating them the same. It sounds to me as if you are well aware of each daughter's strengths and needs and are treating them accordingly. Money doesn't come into it.

And I know from my own experiences in my own family that when children are grown up, they have different views of the childhood they had.

Thats up to them as adults. And is a lot wider than schools. Some adults are just unreasonable full stop. All parents can do at any time is their best.

OP you need to do what’s right for your kids and live for the moment. Theres always someone on mumsnet who carries a lifetime of resentment for something, and they would always find something to resent anyway. But having one child miserable won’t make for short term or long term happiness for anyone.

Quite clearly sending one DC to private and one to state sink schools for their whole school career is unfair and stupid. But most kids are not in private for their whole school career, so as long as they have in the long term the same options that’s fine imo. Loads of families have one in each at any one time for whatever reason.

Well I think I'm going to go against the majority here - I don't think you can treat them differently. And I don't think you can put this on them to decide.

In this country at least, there are many perceived advantages of private school, and even if you are academic enough to thrive in a state school, you'll lose the other advantages.

And I know from my own experiences in my own family that when children are grown up, they have different views of the childhood they had. Perceived differences in treatment or favouritism stay with a child for ever, and many of these views of favouritism arise in retrospect when the kids are grown up and are reflecting on their relative successes/struggles etc. I think you have to treat children the same in respect to private school unless you are sending a child to private school because of disability etc.

I thrived at private school. I too would have underachieved lost in the state school system. I believe I have undiagnosed ADHD. I am musically gifted but didn’t know how to apply this concentration academically. Thank got bored and lost focus very easily in a class of 30. Smaller class sizes definitely enabled me to get through school and into a good uni.

My sister was intent on doing what she wanted to do and had a clear career goal. She would have achieved this in the local sunk school or at a top private school.

It sounds as if you are considering all the options and making the best choices for each of your children. Sending the elder to the private school, or the younger to state, would actually disadvantage them in an attempt to treat them equally! Hopefully both girls grow up knowing that their parents love and value them and their individual accomplishments. When a person feels a sibling was treated more favourably it often has little to do with the amount of money spent on education.

No, it's fine. Spending money doesn't always equal love and support, it's important what individual children need.
I went to a state school while my sibling went to a private school which suited her better. I ended up with a better education.

I’m not sure we can apply the same principle if you are not in the U.K as education can vary hugely at international schools.

Were*

@FlakySwan

To be honest both my sister and I feel strongly even now that we were sent to the wrong school because we weren't sent to a school that really suited the eldest but didn't suit us, so fair play to you YANBU.

I'm confused about the top sets being smaller in size. The tops sets when I was at school were 30+ with only 6-10 children in sets 5 and 6
Same for my older son

In what country?

Fair is not always equal in the moment.
You say that DD1 is more academic. You may end up supporting her through undergrad and masters.
We supported our children in their ambitions. One went through uni, the other went to work at 18, and we helped by paying for lessons and a first car.
Life is long so don't tie yourself in knots about parity being related to costs, it's not

This is a great approach

I'm confused about the top sets being smaller in size. The tops sets when I was at school were 30+ with only 6-10 children in sets 5 and 6.

Same for my older son.

You are not at all unreasonable. You can do other things for your eldest daughter.

I'm sure they will both do very well.

Your reasons are totally justifiable.

But my worry would be about when they are older. Will one feel hard done by compared to the other?

It might seem trivial now but resentment can drive a wedge between siblings. Other than this it makes sense to place them both where they will thrive even if that's in different schools.

You seem very perceptive. I wish my parents had seen the irony in this and perhaps, as a gesture, paid my uni fees to level the playing field somewhat.

I think this will cause huge issues if I’m honest

its the type of thing I’ve seen in therapy sessions (online) when one child feels more loved than the other.

This is my experience too

I had a similar situation, DC1 in selective state secondary and DC2 in private because private was able to provide DC2 the environment and support they needed at that time. My thoughts are you do what is best for child. However, DC1 was asked termly if they wanted to switch to private but they never did. DC2 joined DC1 in selective state secondary in Yr8. The cost & amount spent on DC2 never bothered or worried me until DC1 went to Uni. Am I prepared to let DC1 leave Uni with £50,000 in debt when I paid far more than that on DC2’s education for 4 years? This situation really doesn’t sit well with me and so I am paying DC1’s UnI costs. No doubt I will pay for DC2’s too.

You say this now because you never experienced private school. But it’s the kids who don’t do well academically who benefit most from going to private school. Eg several of my neices have built thriving businesses straight out of school because they managed to get early seed funding and business support from their friends’ parents. You can’t miss what you don’t know.

Question is - would DD1 have chosen the private school had the choice been given to her back when she was in year 6? It was never going to be a straightforward choice for her to make now she’s in her second year of secondary, has settled in and made friends.

I would definitely try come up with ways to make it all fairer, both financially and how much time you dedicate to each child’s interests, hobbies etc.