For sending only one of our daughters to private school

I guess that’s always true unless you keep receipts for everything and save the exact amount of the difference and give it to the one who ‘gets’ less?

Don’t sweat it. As long as the parenting is equal- love, affection, celebration of achievement, support in difficult times, boundaries and rules- I don’t really see the problem.

it sounds like the two schools suit the two different girls best.

If you worry about the spending disparity- it’s possible that your dd1 with her academic interests may want to do further higher education so could you keep the money you aren’t spending on her now and support her through Masters and PhD education? Or to live in a foreign city to study her area of interest?

Given everything you’ve said, yes I think so.

Sorry OP but having been in the position where one sibling went private and I went state, I still very much resent that decision my parents made. I was happy at my state school - I knew no different at the time, but the private school offered very different opportunities to mine that I can see as an adult, you must see that if that were not the case your DD2 could just go to the state school.
As a minimum you need to put an equal amount into an account for her to access when she’s older, maybe a house deposit or higher education costs.

I definitely wouldn’t go down the saving the actual monetary amount but I would put some money aside in case DD1 needs some practical help in future for opportunities such as language exchanges, overseas science conventions etc.

But ironically I think a lot of private school educated people fail to see the advantage they were given. It's subtle things, even at the primary level, like being able to actually play sports rather than bench ball, having a school orchestra, having more confidence and better communication skills from the drama classes, introduction to science in a lab at an early age, introduction to latin and french and other languages at an early age, surrounded by well spoken people, much more attention in the staff ratios, parents of peers being successful and an inspiration/good influence. Certainly I've noticed this in peers- all things that you can't quite put your finger on. The thing is nobody can really know how they would have turned out following another route.

I wouldn’t send dd1 given the circumstances to the private school however are you able to set aside the same amount spent on her sister’s eduction into an account for DD1?

I have had 2 in Grammar and one in Private after not getting on at the local state . The middle child is a little resentful of his brother being at private but wouldn’t want to join him !

I will be trying very hard to save towards uni for him so that he doesn’t end up with massive loans and he has an expensive hobby which we cover no questions .

We live quite frugally otherwise - no flash clothes cars or holidays but he doesn’t seem to have noticed that !

Could you level it up by making sure DD1 goes on all her school trips, including ski-ing if they offer it? Or by offering her another out of school activity she’d like to try. Books don’t really cut it imo.

Imagine winning a scholarship to a school and not being able to go because your big sister didn’t want to switch and your parents wanted you both at the same place…..

Give dd the option to go private for 6th form? If really needs balanced out

I dunno but I rather imagine that when we talk about families with one child in state and one in private, we are talking specifically about the privately educated child being in a minor day school rather than at Eton……

And you are right the two things are not in any way comparable.

I think this is, in essence, the difference between the major public schools and minor day schools, but I wonder to what extent this is a uniquely British quirk and less relevant to an Australian OP. It’s misleading to describe them all homogeneously as ‘private’. A really well-run state school will knock spots off many mediocre private schools.

That is very much a tiny minority of private school pupils though and is likely to change in the future.

You don’t see a difference until you’re in senior positions in certain industries where suddenly everyone was educated privately and have shared stories of school skiing trips etc.

It’s strange though, most mumsnetters insist private’s an utter waste of money. Many adults who went private say they would rather have gone to state because they didn’t like it, even though they may or may not have liked state. Adults really should have enough critical thinking skills to see that.

Personally at work and in life I’ve never noticed that private educated people are any different to anyone else. Our experiences are all individual.

FWIW I have one in private, due to a state school going rapidly downhill (RAAC issue), shes happy enough there and is doing well but is intending to go back to state for 6th form.

I disagree. It is only really as an adult looking at private schools for my children do I truly understand the advantages it gives. At 13 I couldn't see why I should move from my state school to private when it was perfectly ok. Also meeting people in the workplace who have had this advantage makes me realise what I missed out on.

These are not cheap so you could fund this... (tho Trussell trust has similar for low income eg ucl )

summerspringboard.com/lp/oxford/?utm_source=google_search&utm_medium=search_text&utm_campaign=prospecting_campus&utm_term=oxford&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwmt24BhDPARIsAJFYKk3-uPr7CXnIwMfZczcY46-Qmmi3FHfaZWSQ2BIfgOE1-CUVnvgHN7kaAmj9EALw_wcB

dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

So she needs a special school for her talents it s fine.

You can buy dd1 a Sumnmer school.in science etc . Invest on other ways in her interests and education. A field trip to borneo or Costa Rica for example if interested in nature . Membership junior for science orgs . Subscription to new scientist. Outings to geographical org talks in London plenty you can do with her

Don't make it seem like she is being dumped in state..she isn't!

My older sibling went to private school and I went to a state school as I was clever and it was assumed I would do well anywhere. Whilst I certainly did well academically, I never really fitted in and now don't have the same confidence as my sibling, nor do I have a friendship group from school. I would have benefited from the private school environment and I do feel resentful I wasn't given that option.

Something to think about is how the DC will perceive the choices you have made for them when they are older. A lot will come down to the outcomes later on. They won't look back and think a but I needed this environment or that one. It will be this one had this opportunity and I didn't. I have seen this first hand. Not an easy choice.