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AIBU?

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For sending only one of our daughters to private school

234 replies

FlakySwan · 22/10/2024 11:49

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/10/2024 11:58

Have you spoken to DD1? I think it would be unfair to send DD2 to private school if that wasn’t an option for DD1, but it sounds like you could send them both if that wasn’t what they wanted. I think you need to have a conversation with DD1 and make sure she knows that if she wanted to change schools and attend private that could be an option, if she then decides to stay where she is but with the knowledge the opportunity to move is there if she wants it then I think that’s fine and not unfair, it would only be unfair to send one and not the other if it wasn’t an option for the other.

Mischance · 22/10/2024 11:58

I have 3 adult children. They all went to different schools, sometimes state, sometimes private. Basically they went to the schools that suited each of them as they are very different people. It has never been a problem between them in any way as they knew we were doing our very best for them. Horses for courses and all that ......

AngelsWithSilverWings · 22/10/2024 11:57

I sent one to private and one to state. I sent each to the school that would suit them best. DS who is very bright went to state grammar and DD who has slow processing , a chronic health condition and mental health issues was better suited to our smaller local non selective private school.

FlakySwan · 22/10/2024 11:57

Whatsitreallylike · 22/10/2024 11:55

Your reasoning is sound. But when it comes to siblings it doesn’t really matter the reason, they will just see that one for more than the other. Especially when they’re older.

You have a few ways to mitigate. Offer D1 the same opportunity, ask if she’d prefer to attend that school as well for example. Or find some other way to level up.

I have asked dd1 if she would like to go to the private school as well and explained to her the situation. At the moment she doesn't care but she is only 14.

OP posts:
Whatsitreallylike · 22/10/2024 11:55

Your reasoning is sound. But when it comes to siblings it doesn’t really matter the reason, they will just see that one for more than the other. Especially when they’re older.

You have a few ways to mitigate. Offer D1 the same opportunity, ask if she’d prefer to attend that school as well for example. Or find some other way to level up.

Trinity65 · 22/10/2024 11:55

In the circumstances that you mention YANBU

sparklystar333 · 22/10/2024 11:54

Send your children where suits them best. I have 3DC and they have all gone to different high schools, they are individuals with different strengths/weaknesses, one size doesn't fit all.

Woahtherehoney · 22/10/2024 11:54

It seems pointless to send a kid to private school for the sake of it, especially if she’s thriving where she already is.

Thelnebriati · 22/10/2024 11:53

IMO the difference in cost is only relevant if the opportunities are not equal; in this case both girls would be receiving the education that suits them.

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