Getting annoyed by friend not being resiliency

I’ve been through similar trauma to you and I used to find it quite difficult if a friend complained about their small issues, but then I realised that was on me. Now I’m happy that such small issues are big deals for them as it means they haven’t gone through such hard times and I wouldn’t want that for anyone. However you do have to protect yourself, and even though I’d always want to be there for a friend who was struggling you have every right to take a step back if it’s too much for you.

Unfortunately a lot of people do lack resilience, but there is no need to get so wrapped up in their dramas. Learn about boundaries, take a huge step back if necessary and reconsider some of these friendships if they are taking too much out of you.

And also when people don’t have large traumas to deal with, they sweat the small stuff.
But please don’t take on the responsibility for healing this.

I think to a degree resilience is something that is learned - usually as you grow up via struggles (not as extreme as yours - I’m thinking financial instability, sickness in the family and deaths of older loved ones). Your experiences are so extreme that it is amazing you have the resilience you do and didn’t go the other way. Many younger people haven’t experienced these struggles as they have been sheltered and so haven’t developed resilience. I think it’s also likely you attract people with low resilience because you connect with them (maybe as a protector, maybe because you envy that they have a naivety that you never got to experience?).

Saying this kindly, but from what I’ve seen, damaged people tend to attract damaged people. But it’s not always a healthy dynamic.

I think you need to be honest and say that it’s all rather triggering for you and then signpost them to other places eg, Samaritans, other friends etc. You can’t take on the responsibility of healing others as well as yourself. Tell them that too.

And don’t feel guilty.

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult life OP. As others have said, it can make you brittle - you build up a protective armour over the years and it's not easy to let your guard down and be 'soft' on demand. My life has not been anything as hard as yours but I would still probably consider myself more 'damaged' than many of my friends and I can find myself unsympathetic to their tiny (in my mind) reasons for being 'distraught'. I agree that there is a lack of resilience in society these days.

I have to say that it's not usual to have so many friends with suicidal ideation as part of their regular conversation. I am wondering if these are people you have met through therapy or treatment? Not because dark moments / depression / suicidal thoughts can happen to anyone, but just the sheer number of people you mention - 10 plus...

Perhaps try to find a couple of other friends to add some balance to your life. Friends serve different needs - I have a couple of friends that I probably wouldn't tell my deepest secrets to, but they are good fun and kind. I have other friends who I share my worries with and they are trustworthy and have empathy. I have friends I would want to go for drinks with and friends I could and couldn't go on holiday with - you get what I mean. It might be good to find a few who are settled and grounded and you can just enjoy some lighter time with.

Equally, you have set yourself up as the 'go to' for trauma and drama. It's okay to say to people "You know I care for you but I cannot actually be responsible for this level of trauma. I am dealing with a lot myself and can't take this on - here are some numbers that might be helpful."

Set some boundaries - be kind, but don't give more than you are happy to.

And congratulations on your degree - that's some accomplishment given all that you've been through.

@Heneryhoover massive hugs and well done on overcoming earlier challenges and turning your life around.

As others have stated I would suggest looking at the people you are letting into your life and assessing what’s going on that your boundaries are being so crossed. .

I agree with you, I've often thought reading some of the posts on here, what on earth are you going to do when the shit really hits the fan. I don't know if it's an age thing but the amount of times someone goes to pieces because they can't say no to a friend or decide to go NC because of the slightest disagreement. I don't know if resilience can be taught but it's definitely needed for future generations.

I think you need to take some time to work on yourself.

Everything is comparative. Some people haven’t had the trauma you have but you haven’t had the trauma others have had. It doesn’t make anyone’s feelings any less valid.

I've suffered quite a bit of trauma myself and I think it does make you a bit 'brittle' because you've had to be resilient/boundaried to survive. So I am not always as sympathetic to my friends as I probably should be.

Your friends do sound particularly terrible though. YANBU.

I get it and don't think you're being unreasonable.

I've had a bad family situation for years and it's had a real impact on me. But I stay cheerful and grateful for the things that are good in my life. I do get annoyed with people who can't cope with minor things, or can't see how they're creating their own problems.

OP, you have been through a hell of a lot and you've still found the strength and pure life force to stay smiling. You deserve friends that share your energy and I really hope you find them. Do you know anyone who's more like this? I'd be trying to nurture friendships with those people.

YANBU. I really hear you on the overuse of the trauma thing. The main thing now is to take the very good advice on this thread and really tell yourself that you are not their trauma bin to be dumped in.

I think sometimes if you're compassionate, you attract people with issues? I uses to be like this. I actually got referred to compassion-focussed therapy. Actually taught me to be compassionate to myself first. It basically taught me to say no and not reply quickly or help others too much. I'm now surrounded by far more fun and resilient friends and say no to family often. :-)

I get it - I think social media has A LOT to answer for and that might possibly be the link with age.

Notwithstanding the obsession with appearance and beauty standards, there are now endless advice givers on mental health, neurodivergency etc

It's dangerous.

I haven't experience anywhere near your level of trauma.

However when kids were young we had no support - and DH was often away or long hours/long commute and I used to have other mothers moan at me despite knowing our situation - one going on she had to put her two to bed by herself one evening a week - did 3 every week night -or that DGP wouldn't have kids so they could go out - I couldn't get help for medical stuff. I used to be sympathetic while veering between irritated, amused and bemused.

Then my DH was seriously hurt - and no-one was there no even at end of a phone to offer emotional support. When it went quiet they came back with big CF demands and minor moans - and I realised they really didn't care about us - I was just a warm body to moan to.

I don't know if you've reached compassion fatigue or just waking up to fact these people just want to moan to someone and you are merely a useful ear.

If you want to stay in touch - change the subject when it starts - point out you've offered advice they've ignore and move subject on or be busy and leave call or be blunt and point out they are part of the problem - nicely and see if it goes in. Upshot is you don't have to sit and listen - you are are not their therapist. Chances are they'll get the message and stop eventually and you'll get back to better balance in friendship or realise they just don't care about you and aren't worth bothering with.

To be honest OP you sound a bit resentful that they've had easier (as you perceive it) lives than you, or perhaps because you felt no one was there to listen to you when you needed it. Which is perfectly understandable but not very healthy, and it's certainly not your friends' fault for "lacking resiliency", ultimately you can always find someone who's had a worse time than you but that doesn't mean your problems don't matter or your feelings aren't valid. The problem here as others have said is you've found yourself in the position of being their unwilling sounding board and you need to make yourself less available

I had a cancer diagnosis a few years ago and after this I told myself I would never find reason to stress or complain about lesser problems again, but this is a resolution I quickly dropped. Partly because aspects of day to day life - work issues, relationships etc - are legitimately stressful sometimes and knowing others or even yourself have had it worse before doesn't actually cancel that out - and partly because it isn't healthy to bottle up stresses, it doesn't actually help you to stiff upper lip your way through everything, and actually the real lesson I've learned about my difficult experience is to be more open about my feelings and accordingly more aware of other people's. That doesn't mean you have to act as your friends' personal therapist if you're not able to do so but comparing trauma comes from a place of resentment not of resilience.

I think it maybe autocorrected from "during this time"

YANBU to feel the way you do. It is true people have differing levels of resiliency and those who have had a sheltered life often are knocked for six by what are objectively relatively minor events.

It is testament to how good a person you are that you have been helping your friends as much as you can despite going through your own crises.

has anyone else experienced this and how do I fix my compassion because I am starting to find it more annoying then I have empathy for at this point.

But this says to me that you have reached compassion fatigue, that your energy to help others is at zero or even in the negatives. You have given out compassion faster than it can rebuild. The only way to fix this is to reduce who you are helping and start signposting. A friend who wants to talk for hours about their man liking another girl on Instagram- you can commiserate for a few minutes and then suggest they contact Samaritans or another helpline or even 111 to speak to a mental health nurse. You are being too hard on yourself, you can’t be expected to save others who are drowning when you are barely keeping your head above water. And yes you are in the deep end and they are drowning in the shallow end- both result in drowning. Don’t feel like you need to be the one to rescue them- keep a list of charities, help lines and so on that you can signpost friends to after an initial listen and commiserate conversation.

That bit confused me too. I re-read and I thin ‘dying’ is a mistype of ‘during’.

OP, I just wanted to say that you sound like you’ve been through a hell of a lot. You deserve your life now to be calm and as free of stress as possible. Make that the priority. Wishing you all the best x

They are not suicidal, they've spent too much time on-line surrounded by hyperbole.

One of the lines I use with this kind of friend, is to say "I don't think this is helping, put your phone down and go and have a bath/rest/relax." Then just say things like "you are winding yourself up, stop now and see how you feel tomorrow." You can actually help them by providing perspective in this way, more than just sending endless reassuring platitudes. Don't try and engage with them about the (non) issue, instead just focus on their reaction and feelings.

However, I don't agree with the sentiment: "If you broke a leg and they twisted their ankle, it doesn’t make their pain any less." We don't give out morphine to people with splinters, even if they cry, there is an objective measure of pain as well as the subjective reaction. I would be perfectly comfortable saying (if they'd had a fall) that they were lucky to get off with only a twisted ankle.

They are entitled to their feelings but you don't have to agree with, or more importantly listen to them. If they ring you crying just say something like "I'm not in a good place myself now so can't listen to this without bringing myself down" or "I'm sorry I dont have the emotional resilience to help at the moment." Or "this is triggering me and I have to end the call"

Basically if they are into their feelings and emotional welfare speak then throw it back at them. It doesnt have to be true but tbh there is a baseline of honesty in it because listening to them clearly is bringing you down. If they don't listen and keep talking then they aren't good friends and you can dump them without feeling guilty.

You know its very unlikely they will actually kill themselves over something so minor and even if the worst happens and they did it is very unlikely that a phone call with you would have been the one thing that would have stopped them.

You are right, lots of people lack resilience.

Regarding listening to friends moan, I think it depends on whether those same friends are there for you when you need them. If every conversation is about them and their feelings, I would withdraw. If they are good friends, ask about you, help you when you need a hand, listen when you need an ear, then you should probably reciprocate if you can or redirect them to counselling services if you think theyneed more help.

Sorry to add more!

don’t forget you don’t actually know if some of these people or friends in the future don’t have trauma. Some people never tell they bury it deep, so deep noone would ever guess.

iv had people in my life I’d have put money on having easier times than me only to find out many years later they were survivors too but it took 20-30-40 years for them to get to a place where they could share that.

It’s not that it doesn’t sound nice, it’s that this situation is a result of your own choices. You choose to take these calls. You choose to stay on these calls for hours. You choose to have lax boundaries about how you spend your evenings. These are things which are within your gift to change!

Sometimes people struggle with resilience and regulation due to neurodivergence as well as trauma. For example common for people with ADHD to struggle with emotional dysregulation (even over small triggers)