How To Opt Out Health Visiting?

October 2024 post

Does your child attend nursery yet? If so you could say that nursery have no development concerns and if they do you will follow the advice of nursery staff in future. Just to reassure that your child is ok and not in need of any referrals to anything like children's physio, speech therapy etc.. which is what those checks are for.

You're very kind to say that :)
I am an 'older' mum in the grand scheme of things given I was turning 40 the month after he was born, and hes the first grandchild, no cousins or siblings to play with, so I am aware socially he's at a disadvantage given I couldnt get to as many mums and tots things weekly as I'd have liked. Although we did do baby swim classes, sign and sing (which he hated back then) and baby classes, so I am trying to take him to soft play more often etc. , since he was no age he and I had a weekly coffee catchup with my dear friend and colleague, so hes great in cafes but how much conversing do folks expect from 2 year olds.
I think my gripe is that she doesnt know us, or how much progress I've seen in him, she based her comments on 15minutes of our time, and I feel like there needs to be more care taken in how things are worded, i've only just come down from the absolute rollercoaster of emotions after her flippant comments and honestly i'm generally quite an emotionally stable person (albeit the perimenopause is well underway!!) i worry about mums with PND, or even low moods, and how they could be impacted by poorly chosen comments y'kno?

I don't want to tar all HV's with the same brush, I know it can be person dependent, even the initial HV i had when DS was born was fabulous but even she struggled with the role and returned to maternity nursing in hospital.

my mum who had me in the early 80's was outraged by the comments the HV gave me and said how do 'they' think women managed back in 'her' day given no social media to 'educate' or tick boxes to mark off. She even shed some info today on my sisters behaviours as a toddler being so similar to DS, she was slow to talk (first child and grandchild) spent all her early years on the floor playing with cars or reading and she doesnt shut up now lol
AH i need to calm myself down a bit now and take it all with a pinch of salt

I feel that it is defo a tick box exercise now but there is also so much expected of children to be done within a short visit and if they don't 'perform' then they have not met specific criteria and parents should be put on alert. Whilst I will monitor his progress and alert the necessary agencies should we need more support, its also important to remind mums that children develop in their own time and we don't all follow the same strict timeline and that's ok

100% You are a great mum and very conscientious IMHO. Actually, I will now confess my dd and her partner 'trained' their little one in some of the exercises and we actually laughed about that - as baby had no idea of course and her parents felt it was all bonkers. But you know, why should a one year old roll a ball back to a total strange. It's ridiculous and I have been shocked at how much pressure mums today are under. I am so glad I'm not a new mum now though it's pretty stressful being a granny and seeing what goes on!

I found later check ups useful as spotted developmental delay at 1 yr with one of mine and speech and language issues at 2 so they all started salt just after 2

Yes to this!!
My son is 30months and whilst developing brilliantly his speech is a little behind (although this past 3 weeks its just started to really blossom)
We had a 2.5 year review yesterday where the HV (I havent had the same HV along through his early years due to short staff etc, this one is a bank nurse who did come for his 2 year visit) agreed to refer him for SLT but then she watched him play a short while and bacause he wouldnt bring her one of his cars (he doesnt know her so I wasnt surprised) she started to talk about ASD because he lined his toy cars up to play with them. She started to probe me asking about other indicators (all of which were a no) but said we'll keep him on for another review after he turns 3 (when he probably wont even have seen SLT yet due to waiting lists) so basically after 15minutes in his presence she was trying to insinuate he could have ASD (he doesnt obsess, he makes patterns every so often with them whilst he plays so imaginatively now with ALL his toys) and when I challenged her on the fact that lining up toys is actually a behavioural schema, she tutted and said well perhaps. She then gave me a 'telling off' as such for the fact he's not in a playgroup (I have been lucky to be able to work from home since Covid, so he's with me during the day (with my mum twice a week) and insinuated that this is most likely the reason for his speech delay, which left me gutted and filled with such mum guilt. She further berated me for not enrolling him for a pre-pre K this september and encouraged me to get him into one now to sort his 'social issues' out (I wont get him into one at this late stage and the plan was nursery NEXT year. When she left I sat and cried feeling so worthless and as if I had failed my son, then i got a chance to chat to my mum (who keeps DS 2 days a week), my sister, and my good friend who has a boy the same age (and had a similar HV at her 2year visit) and after ranting to them and DH I calmed down and realised that she had just come in and threw judgement and rash statements out based on a short visit. I have decided I will decline the review when she rings after he turns 3 and I will utilise my GP going forward should I have any concerns about him socially or communicative wise over and above his general health. I feel that it is defo a tick box exercise now but there is also so much expected of children to be done within a short visit and if they don't 'perform' then they have not met specific criteria and parents should be put on alert. Whilst I will monitor his progress and alert the necessary agencies should we need more support, its also important to remind mums that children develop in their own time and we don't all follow the same strict timeline and thats ok. My friend told me, noone knows the child best like their mum which i firmly believe but also these HV's need to realise that as people of authority they can 'embed' little worries in vulnerable mummies minds and so they need to listen to mum on their own gut feelings and not overrule!

Health visitors lying to people is not made acceptable by high profile failures.

And not one high profile case has simply been a case of a parent opting out of HV visits - they've been multi agency repeated failures.

HV's making themselves seem untrustworthy by giving completely incorrect information is likely to put children in more danger rather than help.

My experience 36 years ago - and recently with granddaughter is that their little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Was told my dd might have Downs because of a 'line' on her hand - despite her having spent five days in hospital as you did back then and hey, no doctor, consultant pointing it out. She is now a PhD in a medical subject and modern HVs have also been incompetent, suggesting a referral to a neurologist because HV read the head size chart incorrectly. Consultant was annoyed his time had been wasted - and oh the worry in between, even though dd and I could see the measurements were incorrectly interpreted. Part of the issue is the tick box nature of these assessments: for e.g. if a baby isn't saying the exact words on the list at one year assessment, then they are marked below average - and yet for every baby the HV classifies as below average, the Hv is wrong 60% of the time (stats from my dd, and Dr uni lecturer in a medical subject) It's lucky that we know how to interpret these tick box assessments and we try to keep them in context , but it still occasions worry and anger - and frankly, we have zero confidence in any HV. A little knowledge about complex topics is a very dangerous and counter productive thing... so I totally understand why anyone would opt out. How can you make such sweeping statements that affect parents so profoundly when you really don't have the knowledge or training to do so? I'd be ashamed to do it.

My daughter was also let down badly. She also has severe learning difficulties and autism. She was 2 and unable to walk, talk, sit up, crawl, stared into space, no response to anything around her. She was fine apparently (said by 5 different hv). Refused to refer her anywhere. She’s now 13 and in a specialist school. I was treated like a deluded mother. I was told by the person who assessed my daughter she should have been referred then. My daughters development was far from okay.

When I had my older children years ago it was a visit after birth to give me the red book then that was it. They never came to the regular check ups etc. but was always at the end of the phone.
when I had my little boy just after Covid my health visitor at the time was awful. My little boy was ill and spent his first 10 days in hospital fighting for his life. She said it was a concern of neglect that I hadn't taken him to the gp for his 24 hour baby check.. he was wired up in neonatal! She hated I had teenagers in the house and kept telling not to leave my baby around them, was constantly asking if my husband did drugs or abuse me. Would message me gone midnight at night about nothing important. The final straw was when I found out I was expecting my little girl I told her via text and she said I hope it's something you wanted.
When my little girl was born last year I opted out. She caused me so much stress first time around. I have been a mum for 19 years and felt like I knew more than her at times. They were fine with it, I did get a text reminder her jabs were due but that was it. I go to our local council's early hub the have their yearly reviews done. They are at the end of the phone if I ever need them and so are my gp who were very supportive with my decision.

Sorry but most high profile deaths are of children with multiple agencies involved and it’s the utter failure of all those services that often lead to children being missed.

HV’s lying to imply service interaction is mandatory when a parent wishes to opt out because they don’t feel they need the support, incompetence experienced, or simply because you don’t have time to be waiting around all day for someone to turn up when it suits them, is not acceptable.

The HV with my second dd was actually really nice and helpful although we didn’t see her much at all.

The one with my first dd was terrible - I had PND (which in hindsight should have been glaringly obvious as I was a nervous wreck) and was struggling with breast feeding despite trying lots of things including visiting help groups, pumping etc. I felt like a terrible mother - the HV just watched me cry and said “well, you’re just making a token attempt really aren’t you” - she was such a horrible person.

It is absolutely NOT a legal requirement to see a health visitor, they are an optional service and I would put in a complaint about the person who said that to you, i phoned mine and just said thanks but I don't feel like I need their support and they were fine with that they just said OK no problem

HV was so poor her actions put DC1 in intensive care. I refused the service after that and just ignored any letters/messages. Declined the “service” with DC2 but one managed to get in the house (knocked at the door and grandma invited the vampire over the threshold). This one was so rude (complaining about DC1 playing in the room and not being at nursery) that grandma told her to leave and apologised to me. MIL hadn’t believed how poor they were until she saw it with her own eyes.

Before she had her first, a friend of mine had been either a midwife or a HV for 10 years. And she told me that during her first month with her new baby, she had done every single thing she had spent years telling other new mothers not to do!

My experience of health visitors with DC1 was similar to PP's. I didn't want to bother with their useless, pushy visits with DC2 so I just ignored their contact. Nothing happened. It's terrible that they make new mums feel obligated to see them, especially when the quality of the service is so dire.

My first health visitor told me you can't breastfeed unless you wear sterilized nipple covers. Second health visitor said that you must not kiss your baby on the head or cheek because germs. This was all pre COVID even. Another one repeatedly told me my child was on 99th centile for weight and was obese. I repeatedly had to explain, with pointing at graphs in the red book, that child was also on 99th centile for height and therefore no need to panic.

Nothing's changed then. My DC are 29 and 26. Useless then, useless now. They could be using their post graduate nurse training to better use on the wards but that involves harder work and shifts. Sadly, it attracts the wrong types.

I don’t disagree that some HVs can come across as pushy, but no-one can “force” you to breastfeed.

As long as you are aware of things and yes medical help otherwise, it's fine.

HV let my DC1 down badly (autism, severe learning difficulties). Refused to refer to paed (in favour of wait and see), refused Salt referrals (because wait and see is cheaper) and a few other things. I got all referrals in place by GP after DC turned 3. this wasn't just one HV but a whole group. One as bad as another. I refused all HV involvement for DC2 as a result. That ars useless at best and dangerous at worst IME.

I made a big pals complaint and tbh, got a big apology and all had to attend extra training but it shouldn't have happened. Just see the GP.

Health visitors may appear pushy but the next time there is a high profile death of a young child they will be accused of not being pushy enough. They really can’t win .

@cherrycakes33 tell me about, she purposely booked that appointment at that date to discuss his development and see how we are. I’m just so glad that we are doing great! He is doing amazing too, coped so well out of his harness, and hopefully when he goes back in a few months his hips are still healthy 🤞 he had hip dysplasia, which didn’t affect him at all thankfully being in the harness, I think it affected me more 😅

Im also sorry you’ve had a bad experience, how awful too! I don’t understand why they are like this at all? Tbh, I don’t even think they know half of what they talk about most of the time! I’m glad you kept all emails, and hopefully when you go the gp and they inform them, they stop pestering you! They honestly just sound like bully’s.

When we first started to see ours, she was great at first. But looking back now, I honestly don’t think she was much help. My little boy has a doctors appointment next week, and I’m also thinking of maybe asking them. Are they able to contact them on your behalf and stop them from contacting you? I would be more then happy for him to see the go for check ups than go there.

Hi. I’ve just come across this thread and I’m considering not going to see my health visitor anymore. She was great when she was coming to us, but last week we had an appointment in the clinic, she was supposed to chat to us more about his development, how we are getting on and so on as he has not long come out of a pavlik harness, I think all she wanted to do mainly was weigh him and see us off. We was chatting to her, and as we was the other woman in the room asked should she get the next person in and she said yes, so we’re there and then the other lady with her baby walks in too. We left at this point, but I just found it so rude! It’s not as if it was super busy either, so I was really disappointed. My little boy was in a pavlik harness from 3 weeks to 17 weeks, and he is doing amazing out of it, but it would have been nice to ask her more questions

By the time we got to 3rd child had no patience for it. We told them going to visit family out of area for a few months and would look into getting weighed etc whilst away - nothing ever came of it and avoided all but the 1st appointment. Wish I'd done it with the previous.