To feel so indifferent about my life (in many ways)

I know this thread is a few months old but it appeared in my “active”….We don’t have any custody issues to consider but we feel exactly like you do about life so we’re packing it all in and moving 100 miles up the road for a better and more exciting life.

We have elderly parents to consider so we can come back for the day whenever needed. It isn’t far.

But we’ll all be living and no more WFH! I have grown to HATE it

Can you get a deep clean of the house ...much like an end of tenancy one. Then, with a clean house to cheer you on, get a cleaner a couple of hours a week. Keep tidy in-between. I think you need a strategy like this until kids are older.

You think that if a man was not only supporting the family financially, but also getting four children (two of them not his) up, bringing them to school, stopping work to collect them and look after them (mainly the youngest one) until his wife breezed in at 6:30, nobody would find that unusual? I feel like they would!

I've been feeling similarly trapped by housing and work choices I made years ago which no longer suit me. I've decided to change what I can without chucking all our lives up in the air and I'm feeling much better already. Some suggestions...

• Find a place to go to do your work a couple of days a week where there will be humans who are not family to chat to. Eg a work hub.
• claim a room in the house for yourself and divide it so that the work part is sectioned off and the rest is for your hobbies/relaxing. A garage conversion would work, but it needs to be YOURS.
• Declutter. You won't need as much storage.
• Find the storage you do need on FB marketplace.
• join a gym to get out of the house.
• Make lists of things you want to do, places you want to go, films you want to watch, books you want to read etc. Always have something in the diary to look forward to that is for you.
• Improve your home so that you enjoy being in it more and so that when you do eventually move it will be ready to go.
• Identify the things you do that aren't your responsibility and hand them back. Start to say no.
• Ask for favours. Others can say no too, if it's not possible for them.

These last two are the hardest but also the best.

You need to get back a sense of control over your own life. You don't have to uproot everyone, but you might have to piss them off a bit because no one likes it when other people change the status quo. They'll adjust. Tell them all what you're doing and then do it. Once you start it will get easier.

My DH has two, I have one, and we have a shared one.

Hmm. So basically you have two children but you are having to raise four, of different ages, at different schools, while supporting the entire family financially. I honestly think your husband is getting off lightly here.

Friend just brought a work shed office thingy for the back garden because of the way you are feeling. They really needed to separate work and home even though they had been wfh a while. They said their mental health is so much better as they can switch between work mode and home mode.

Apologies if I missed this, but whose children are they? Who is custody being shared with?

It basically with four children and 13 years of WFH I'm not surprised you are feeling ground down and bored. That's a lot of grind. But the older ones will be independent soon, and then hopefully you can change things up a bit.

Sorry but I would move purely based on that. 3 different schools, are you joking?!

The kids might enjoy a change of scenery if you move to a town or city where they can be more independent.

You don't have to put your life on hold, especially when it's a bit crap for everyone in various ways.

Stop settling and not causing a fuss for everyone else’s well being and think of your own.

you shouldn’t be a push over and do everything for everyone for their wellbeing. You’re doing them no favours and not setting them up well for a life as independent adults.

im sure there is a compromise on moving of custody is an issue. Move further away but not as far as you had planned.

it sounds like there are options to make your life easier and more fulfilled but you’re in such a negative head space you aren’t actively choosing to make the changes.

You can order furniture from Ikea, no need to drive to one. Get some storage items and declutter your home. Think of what would make it more comfy this winter.

It sounds like a word with your husband is needed too. He is responsible for the stepkids and it is up to him to make them tidy or he can pick up the slack if he wants. You should stop making any effort for them.

Carve out a bit of time for yourself on weekends.

The occasional commute to the office - even once every few weeks if that’s all that’s possible given the distance, also makes a big difference compared to being home all the time.

I’m so sorry. I feel similar. Trapped in a life that I don’t like

It sounds like you made a lot of decisions in isolation, but put them together and it's too much of a slog. Why can't you move - the kids are at three different schools, so that can't be much worse. DH has a long commute, that can't be much worse. You are isolated, that can't be much worse. Your DCs can't do normal things after school and can't wait to leave - what is keeping you where you are? If you are just overwhelmed and moving is something else to give headspace to, I would really think about it as the priority. Can you move nearer one of the schools and DH's work?

If you really are stuck, I think it would be worth going to work in the library, a cafe or shared office space you can rent. You need to have some time out the house and to compartmentalise a bit more, breaking the day up can make it go quicker.

I think you will regret wishing this time away when the DCs have left home, but you need to free up some time to actually enjoy them. Can you talk to DH about how you feel? Does he have any suggestions?

You say you can’t move because of the children. Why not? Children move schools all the time and if it’s going to have such a huge positive effect on your life and therefore as a knock on effect, theirs too just do it.

moving would bring more activities, socialisation, being able to attend work rather than being at home.

if you find your house and cleaning overwhelming hire a cleaner. If you say you can’t justify the money, sacrifice something elsewhere in your life to pay for it if it will bring that much less stress to your life by having someone help you out.

3 out of 4 of your children are old enough to be helping at home. No excuses. You don’t need to shout and argue about it, you simply tell them that if they don’t complete their contribution towards the running of the house they don’t get things like the WiFi password or pocket money or lifts to friends etc.

have a whiteboard or list in clear view with everubodys daily tasks. Loading/unloading dishwasher, taking out bins, hoovering, putting away washing. These things are all are appropriate for kids and teens. If these jobs aren’t completed, you aren’t given the WiFi password, games console or tv remote at the end of the day.

It's possibly perimenopause as well. I m 45, I like to fully control my time, and rest when I want. I hate being locked down to new friendship schedules (even though I want more friends!!!). Catch 22.