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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had enough of partner replying 'Obviously' instead of 'yes'?

89 replies

JennaRink · 21/10/2024 22:47

My partner is foreign from another country in Europe but his grasp of the English language is very good.

So I've noticed he has this annoying quirk where you'll ask him something and instead of replying 'yes' he'll reply 'obviously' or 'yes, obviously.' I've told him it comes off as rude and sarcastic, and all he needs to say is yes.

I've seen him do the same with 'of course' instead of yes, except he tends to catch himself if it's in a shop or something/in public as though he does realize it's off.

It always reminds me of this clip from Downton Abbey where the waiter says 'obviously' and gets told off for being rude!

OP posts:
StrawberrySquash · 22/10/2024 20:07

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/10/2024 23:09

Sometimes even if you speak a language very well, there are things that you translate from your mother tongue and which are slightly off in the second language. But it's hard not to do them as they feel natural in the mother tongue.

Yes, but once it's pointed out that the direct translation doesn't work here, you tend to switch it out. And find a phrase that works in the language you are speaking. If you do that enough the new phrase just becomes automatically how you express that idea in the foreign language.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/10/2024 20:01

@RenoDakota are you the OP with a name change?

echt · 22/10/2024 19:52

Well here’s the man:

gannett · 22/10/2024 19:36

MargotEmin · 22/10/2024 10:50

If he can control it when he's out and about but not with his intimate partner then that's just contempt.

As far as I can tell the OP has asked him not to do it twice and witnessed him catch himself out and about once.

Two reminders is nowhere near long enough to train yourself out of a second-language habit of many years and if he's caught himself since it sounds like he might actually be trying to do what the OP wants.

But I think she's hugely unreasonable for it anyway. Part of the deal with going out with someone who speaks English as a second language is that you deal with their linguistic quirks without making them feel bad or making their not-quite-fluency all about your own feelings.

BluebellsareBlue · 22/10/2024 19:25

Who is he? Professor Snape?

Demonhunter · 22/10/2024 19:07

Weren't you complaining about him only recently on here, the man with ASD who was stressed about travelling to the airport at a certain time? Is there anything you even like about him?

RenoDakota · 22/10/2024 18:46

Spirallingdownwards · 22/10/2024 10:12

You haven't mentioned it kindly though. Mentioning it because you don't like it was just being rude.

As regards your own DH OP I did think it may be the way they answer in his own language and therefore a direct translation.

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It is kind when I give him gentle encouragement to work on changing it (on-off partner - that detail left out before as seemed superfluous), otherwise will get the raging ick and leave for good.

AutumnLeaves24 · 22/10/2024 12:39

@JennaRink

could he, with you, use his native word?

to me, that would be a reasonable compromise, then let him do his own thing with the outside world. 🤷🏻‍♀️

HowardTJMoon · 22/10/2024 11:28

I've noticed a couple of my Polish colleagues tend to use "of course" instead of "yes". I just put it down to a quirk of translation.

Original poster
JennaRink · 22/10/2024 10:59

@MargotEmin if it's contempt then that's really not good.

I'm not with him all the time, so he might well do it to others.

I'd quite like to ask that question. 'Do you respond to your boss like this?'. I'm going to have to explain why it makes me feel the way it does and ask him to take it seriously.

I want to know why he treats straight forward questions as foregone conclusions. If it is translation related then I need to know!

OP posts:
MargotEmin · 22/10/2024 10:50

If he can control it when he's out and about but not with his intimate partner then that's just contempt.

VivianLea · 22/10/2024 10:50

So is he Italian? Because "Certo" is like an enthusiastic yes, although it translates literally to of course. "Chairo" translates to "clearly" or "obviously" but it signals emphatic agreement rather than confrontation. Imagine other languages have similar. In Italian, just saying "yes" with no additional comment can sound abrupt and rude, so it's like a reflect to add something.

I get that it's annoying but it really is hard to train yourself out of using such common words. Have you actually explained to him why it's rude? Get him to understand what it means and then find the translation in his language. Even for people who are really good speakers of a second language, the nuances and subtleties take a long time to get really comfortable with.

I'd also teach him an alternative. Something like "yes, sure" maybe is more the right tone.

Nothatgingerpirate · 22/10/2024 10:32

I think you are getting fed up, or the "ick".

ladykale · 22/10/2024 10:17

JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:06

@Suzuki70 I've been replying 'its not obvious.' He then says nothing back.

But it really makes me bristle.

I find it interesting that you find it subjective rather than rude. To me, it assumes I should already know the answer and am an idiot for asking.

If it's his second language, it's a bit different.

Sometimes it's a translation thing

AgileGreenSeal · 22/10/2024 10:15

“As I mentioned, he caught himself doing it in a. shop recently. He said 'of course' and then went 'oh ha ha, I mean yes, why would it be of course' (because it was a question - like all the bloody questions I ask him!)”

so he DOES understand why it’s an inappropriate answer to a “yes/no” question!

He self moderates around other people but sadly he doesn’t care about how it’s making you feel when he does it with you. 😔

Spirallingdownwards · 22/10/2024 10:12

RenoDakota · 21/10/2024 23:33

Have you said anything to your SIL about it? And if so, has she made any attempt to change it? I ask because someone close to me does that and it is becoming almost unbearable. I have mentioned it (kindly) many times but despite saying they will work on it they never, ever do.

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You haven't mentioned it kindly though. Mentioning it because you don't like it was just being rude.

As regards your own DH OP I did think it may be the way they answer in his own language and therefore a direct translation.

AgileGreenSeal · 22/10/2024 10:10

JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:08

Ooh. There's an idea.

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It might be worth a try- even just to see how he reacts and if he feels insulted by it being said to him.

AgileGreenSeal · 22/10/2024 10:03

JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:06

@Suzuki70 I've been replying 'its not obvious.' He then says nothing back.

But it really makes me bristle.

I find it interesting that you find it subjective rather than rude. To me, it assumes I should already know the answer and am an idiot for asking.

“To me, it assumes I should already know the answer and am an idiot for asking.”

this is exactly what it means.

sounds to me like he’s trying to put you down.

User100000000000 · 22/10/2024 09:59

@JennaRink & @Minnie2012 Why on earth did both of you marry people who annoy you so much?!

User100000000000 · 22/10/2024 09:56

That was a really long clip, OP. Can I get my 10 mins back?

Anyway, perhaps play it to him?

Original poster
JennaRink · 22/10/2024 00:10

@AutumnLeaves24 I can't think of anything right now even though he does it all the time!

It's always the most innocuous examples. Like 'do you want rice with this?'.'Are you free tomorrow?'. 'Do you like pineapple?'

Honestly it could be anything. Tbh no matter how HE means it, I always perceive it as being the latter.

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves24 · 22/10/2024 00:03

Can you give us some examples?

I have a friend that does it and it is a bit annoying, but I can't put my finger on why, exactly.

I think she means 'yes, obviously, that's no bother'

but sometimes feels like'yes, obviously I'd do that, only a heathen wouldn't!'

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Isittimeformynapyet · 22/10/2024 00:02

Minnie2012 · 21/10/2024 23:23

^ this. In my DH's first language, 'no' is used as a sort of filler/sentence starter...used to drive me nuts when he would start a sentence with 'no' then continue by agreeing with me!

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I know native English speakers who do this! Particularly one woman I worked with. She'd say stuff like "No, I really like purple" as if she was responding to someone saying "you hate purple, don't you?" or at least referring back to a previous conversation.

I asked her why she started sentences with no and she completely denied it. Even when I pointed it out immediately, she'd say "no I didn't".

I concluded that she had absolutely no idea she was doing it, and I guess that goes for all the others too.

Supermand · 21/10/2024 23:54

“Obviously” is much ruder than “of course”.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2024 23:51

As @MumDoingMyBest says, sometimes it's rude, sometimes it's not. And sometimes it's tone, which is really difficult in another language.

Do you want another drink?

"Obviously!" 👏 Or <sigh> "obviously". 🙄 Very different.