Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

311 replies

MyGreenCat · 21/10/2024 20:02

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 22/10/2024 09:14

I think it's a bit mad you have started a thread ripping into your DH for his behaviour one evening instead of seeking advice about your sons behaviour for the past 4ish years, he should be your focus.

You're not helping anyone in your household by trying to pretend this is a normal 'impulse control' issue that most kids go through, because they don't and it isn't.

BalletCat · 22/10/2024 09:14

I've never heard someone say anything year old doesn't have impulse control as an excuse for stealing before

CecilyP · 22/10/2024 09:14

Gimmeabreak2025 · 22/10/2024 09:01

I don’t know why you say he obviously wouldn’t be in trouble if he had moved it… he’s not a toddler and if he moved it there should be consequences otherwise he’ll never stop.

Because initially keeping calm and saying that was the best way to get him to return it if he had indeed hid it somewhere else in the room. Ranting and raving certainly didn’t help. And as they later searched the room from top to bottom, it looks like he hadn’t even taken the vape.

coffeesaveslives · 22/10/2024 09:13

Sounds like your child needed a good bollocking tbh.

He's eight - more than old enough to know better and if he starts behaving that way at school, he could find himself getting suspended (or even excluded) for theft.

Take him to the GP indeed - he needs a telling off, not a medical intervention 🙈

MrMucker · 22/10/2024 09:07

I'm just intrigued at the oblivion, that someone so into gentle parenting would take their small child to the GP because they keep nicking stuff.

MissyB1 · 22/10/2024 09:05

GanninHyem · 22/10/2024 07:32

God everything about this is terrible.
Leaving a vape laying around where children could easily use it.
Getting aggressive over what sounds like frequent behaviour from your child.
The wishy washy "we've dealt with this since he was 3" attitude around discipline that clearly isn't working.
And an 8 year old who is a kleptomaniac and isn't being dealt with.
It's like shit parenting bingo.

Yes yes to all of this! It is a total shit show indeed!

Gimmeabreak2025 · 22/10/2024 09:01

I don’t know why you say he obviously wouldn’t be in trouble if he had moved it… he’s not a toddler and if he moved it there should be consequences otherwise he’ll never stop.

Eleven681 · 22/10/2024 08:53

Penguinmouse · 22/10/2024 08:49

“An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control.”

No wonder he’s a pain, he’s experienced absolutely no consequence to his rude and annoying behaviour. He’s 8. He shouldn’t need to be told twice. Your husband’s reaction was an overreaction but your child is badly behaved and you excuse it as “poor impulse control.”

Yes, this permissive parenting is going to cause nothing but trouble when these children become adults.

DoreenonTill8 · 22/10/2024 08:50

@NeverDropYourMooncup ah but that's clearly the fault (somehow) of the step children!

Motomum23 · 22/10/2024 08:50

I don't know what's worse. Your 8 year old stealing things or your dh who is stupid enough to leave a vape laying around in reach of an 8 year old. ... the yelling and kicking things is just ridiculous.

Penguinmouse · 22/10/2024 08:49

“An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control.”

No wonder he’s a pain, he’s experienced absolutely no consequence to his rude and annoying behaviour. He’s 8. He shouldn’t need to be told twice. Your husband’s reaction was an overreaction but your child is badly behaved and you excuse it as “poor impulse control.”

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/10/2024 08:45

MyGreenCat · 22/10/2024 08:21

@CheekySwan

Stepchildren are 17 & 19 and have both vaped. Unsure if one of them still does. We couldn’t find the vape anywhere, not in suitcases, bags, under bedsheets, under bed or bins. No where to be found when we checked out. We let the receptionist know and they would pass it onto housekeeping but said, if we couldn’t find it in the room, then it’s probably not there as there are not many places you can put something in the hotel room without finding it. Exactly, these comments excusing a grown adults reaction, when he has previously acted like this before is shocking. An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control. Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it. Scaring a child into doing something is unacceptable. It’s 100% unacceptable to steal things. He has stopped stealing things from school so clearly what I have been doing is working. He still does it at home so still working on that. Doesn’t help when your husband tells family/friends when our son does this and laughs to them about it. I ask him not to but just says, son don’t care if he tells them.

Don't blame them for your child's behaviour.

You're on the way to being one of those idiots who says 'oh, no, not my baby boy-boy, he was just sad and moved things he found' when you've got the contents of seven jewellers, nine range rovers and three and a half kilos of ammunition stashed in the garage.

BalletCat · 22/10/2024 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🙄

Completelyjo · 22/10/2024 08:42

Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it

It is absolutely not normal for an 8 year old to constantly steal things, they are more than old enough to control that.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 22/10/2024 08:39

If this was a one off, dh couldn't find something and had a tantrum then I would agree 100%. Adults need to show example and we all lose things sometimes. However he wasn't wrong to accuse DS so that part is fair enough. Losing his temper and shouting is something I'd find hard to forgive if it were a one off but it's not. Yes he should have handled it better but honestly your handling of it was so off. You were on holiday, surely no pool / ice cream until it's returned is an obvious threat. You reassured a child it's ok to steal and hide things without consequence. You say at 8 he is still unable to control impulses well that is BS unless there is a psychological issue. I work with 4 yr olds and this would be unacceptable behaviour. I think you need professional help for your DS, this sounds like much more serious than hiding Dad's vape.

CheekySwan · 22/10/2024 08:37

MyGreenCat · 22/10/2024 08:21

@CheekySwan

Stepchildren are 17 & 19 and have both vaped. Unsure if one of them still does. We couldn’t find the vape anywhere, not in suitcases, bags, under bedsheets, under bed or bins. No where to be found when we checked out. We let the receptionist know and they would pass it onto housekeeping but said, if we couldn’t find it in the room, then it’s probably not there as there are not many places you can put something in the hotel room without finding it. Exactly, these comments excusing a grown adults reaction, when he has previously acted like this before is shocking. An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control. Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it. Scaring a child into doing something is unacceptable. It’s 100% unacceptable to steal things. He has stopped stealing things from school so clearly what I have been doing is working. He still does it at home so still working on that. Doesn’t help when your husband tells family/friends when our son does this and laughs to them about it. I ask him not to but just says, son don’t care if he tells them.

So it's feasible to think that possibly one of the step children could have took it if they have vaped in the past? I think this was totally out of order. Yes your son has a history of this but as you said there has been some improvements.

Your husband needs to calm his shit down and deal with it a different way, and should not be openly talking about it to other people and laughing about it because it's sending mixed messages

And for everyone who is calling your son a little shit, shame on them - i hope they have all raised perfect little angels and were perfect little angels themselves

LookItsMeAgain · 22/10/2024 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Can you please explain what you mean when you use the phrase 'to paddy'?

Owly11 · 22/10/2024 08:31

It's clear that your son is number one in your life, that you are not able to ever feel angry with him and expect everyone else not to get angry with him either. However as you are finding out, other people are and will get extremely furious with your son for stealing things. The same is happening on this thread - everyone is telling you that your son's behaviour is not ok but you are fixating on your husband. You can't control how others respond to your son but you can change how you respond to your son, and for his sake, you really need to change your approach.

SunnieShine · 22/10/2024 08:28

You're lucky he didn't strangle the little shit.

SophiaJ8 · 22/10/2024 08:28

Fedupwithteenagers24 · 22/10/2024 08:26

I cannot believe you took your child to GP because they steal things! You know that you are the parents?

Can you imagine how it went?

My kid keeps stealing, can you help doc?

Well, what happens when you tell him off, does he not understand, is it a processing issue?

Oh no, we don’t tell him off as it stresses him out.

Riiiiiight.

Fedupwithteenagers24 · 22/10/2024 08:26

I cannot believe you took your child to GP because they steal things! You know that you are the parents?

SophiaJ8 · 22/10/2024 08:24

An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control. Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it.

Why do you keep writing as if a kid (constantly!) stealing is a normal part of growing up? It really isn’t. This isn’t ‘impulse control’ it’s something else

Original poster
MyGreenCat · 22/10/2024 08:21

@CheekySwan

Stepchildren are 17 & 19 and have both vaped. Unsure if one of them still does. We couldn’t find the vape anywhere, not in suitcases, bags, under bedsheets, under bed or bins. No where to be found when we checked out. We let the receptionist know and they would pass it onto housekeeping but said, if we couldn’t find it in the room, then it’s probably not there as there are not many places you can put something in the hotel room without finding it. Exactly, these comments excusing a grown adults reaction, when he has previously acted like this before is shocking. An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control. Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it. Scaring a child into doing something is unacceptable. It’s 100% unacceptable to steal things. He has stopped stealing things from school so clearly what I have been doing is working. He still does it at home so still working on that. Doesn’t help when your husband tells family/friends when our son does this and laughs to them about it. I ask him not to but just says, son don’t care if he tells them.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 22/10/2024 08:20

BeADinosaur · 21/10/2024 20:06

Shouting and kicking things isn't great.

However if my kid kept hiding my phone, money and other things and refusing to say where it was I'd get pretty sick of it pretty quickly.

If your son didn't move it, he can't really complain that he is accused of it as his previous behaviour has led people to mistrust him. A form of 'the boy who cried wolf'.

This.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/10/2024 08:09

strange behaviour for an 8 year old and I’d have been pissed off too. Sounds like you’re too soft with him.