Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

You say to your husband "I’m sorry my son is a thief

our son - unless I have missed it, it is THEIR son

Don't bother with the 'oh, you were worried about Daddy vaping, weren't you? See, it's your fault for vaping, my poor baby only wanted to help'.

That would imply he didn't want his half siblings to go out and have a nice time/you to leave the house when he steals and hides the keys and for the TV to be switched off or over from something he wants to watch when the remote controls...ah. It's how he controls people.

He's stopped stealing other people's things because he gets into trouble (or at least has learned how to deny it better and feign distress at the fact of being asked where their money/toys/etc have gone), but he can still control the household by messing around with other people's stuff, specially when Mummy then gives him all the attention instead of Daddy getting to go out with the older kids to have a nice time. And, of course, will have a stash of other people's property.

Wow, this is exactly why children are so badly behaved today and out of control - parents making poor and pathetic excuses. You say he's still learning about impulse control- that is terrible to even attempt to excuse that. He's 8. I have an 8yo. There is no way that he doesn't know that stealing is wrong.
Your dh didn't handle this well, but I can imagine having this a theme and a mother who
Plays this down is what results when the other overreacts.

Maybe this is the wake up call your son needs to stop taking things. I don't condone your husband's behaviour but it sounds like he thoroughly fed up with your son's behaviour. Your son is 8 and taking other people's things! That's pretty unacceptable behaviour for that age!! He really needs dealt with properly over his behaviour which it doesn't seem like your willing to do. Step up and put a stop to your son's behaviour because it will only escalate.

Another thing, you say you haven't had to take any of DS's toys/things yet? You do realise almost every other DP would have taken his things the first time this happened, don't you? How will he learn unless actions have consequences?

He’s a thief and I would shout at him. I would also be removing one of his most treasured possessions EVERY TIME he stole something and wouldn’t be returning it any time soon.

Why on earth haven't there been any proper consequences for this appalling behaviour??

Your child doesn’t hide stuff, he steals.
I’d be fuming too and I’d shout at him.
Because he’s a thief

That isn't the bloody point! Yeah, I'm definitely with the husband.

So the only consequence he's ever had is he has to give back the item he stole. So he lost something that wasn't his in the first place. I'm glad he isn't stealing anymore from school but if he steals anything from anyone, he should have consequences in place including giving it back! Plus giving away one of his items. How would he like it when his items are being taken from him. It might help him learn quicker!

What do you do?

You say to your son "You're stressed? I don’t care. It serves you right, even if you didn’t take it this time. This is what happens when you get a reputation for stealing other people's things. In future every time you take something that doesn’t belong to you, I will take away one of your belongings (and not give it back) or remove for at least a week privileges like watching tv or playing on your computer. It’s time you understood that actions have consequences."

You say to your husband "I’m sorry my son is a thief and I obviously haven’t done enough to stop him. I’m sorry I haven't been supporting you in trying to discipline him effectively. I understand how incredibly irritating it is for everybody else and in future I am going to take a much firmer line with him. (But please try to control your temper and not kick things.)"

No wonder the husband is sick of it. I'd be shouting, too. It's not a crime. Maybe the kid will cop on to his behavior having consequences.

His peers know he takes things so their parents will know he takes things.
Does he get invited to many parties?

I am not a shouty parent, but i do have ASD/ADHD and if there is one thing guaranteed to push me into meltdown it's people hiding/taking my stuff.. its what bullies do to upset you, and i can feel myself getting upset just putting myself in your DH's position.

This. My mother used to take my things (and often break them) as a way of control/punishment for such crimes as not siding with her against my dad. Despite loads of therapy I still panic when I can't find things.

One of my dc had a friend who sounds similar. He is banned from our house after he "hid" something hugely important to dc1 (given to him by my dad just before he died). Yes, his parents returned it with a half arsed apology but he was old enough to know better in the first place. That's also why he's a past tense friend. Dc1 is generous to a fault but couldnt understand why a friend would take something so important to him but worthless to anyone else. It's a small village and now he's banned from most of his peers houses because he's a thief. However according to his mum, we're horrible mean bullies.

Honestly? I think this a lesson for you as well as your son. You say you don’t shout at your son like that somehow makes you a superior parent, but you’re not. You’re not disciplining him, so you’re breeding his behaviour.
Im with your DH in this, he’s had enough. It’s time you started actually discipline your son, I would say both you and your DS are to blame for your husband automatically accusing him.
OP, he’s 8! This behaviour should have been dealt with long ago!

Good grief. I had to reread the OP as I assumed the post must be about a toddler. Eight is far too old for stealing, hiding and lying about other people’s stuff. I would have gone completely ballistic and the kid would quickly learn what shouting really is! Saying he’s ‘stressed’ by being shouted at? Then stop stealing, you manipulative little git! Once I’d calmed down, I’d be taking his stuff so he could see what it feels like. It’s crazy that you think that just because you’ve managed to retrieve your own belongings as he’s ’not good at hiding them’ means you can’t punish him. Of course you can - and should! It is completely unacceptable behaviour.

@OfficerChurlish

why? He is an adult so can vape all he wants.

@MyGreenCat

out of interest Op, what were you hoping the GP could do about your sons stealing?

Please sort your son out now, as we will all end up paying the price of you don't.

Jeez, if my children had been in the habit of taking and hiding other people's personal items at that age (or any age really) I would have absolutely read the riot act to them and come down like a ton of bricks!

Your DH's behaviour was far from ideal, but not exactly without provocation. I can see where it came from.

If he was my son, I'd do the same to him. 'Hide' some of his things. See how he likes it. Help him learn how it feels. None of this softly softly approach. It's clearly not working!
And maybe your DH losing it at him will also make him realise his thieving his got to stop. I don't understand this gentle approach. What's wrong with a parent occasionally shouting at their child if it is deserved?

Yeah, this. This is not normal at 8 years old. Son should know not to do it, and when confronted with it, shouldn't continue to be so bloody annoying.

Your DH shouldn't have shouted, but I think it would take the patience of a saint not to at this point, to be honest.

What? He's an adult he can vape if he wants to.

Your husband lost it once. I never shouted at my DC (adults now) but just reading threads on here shows me even the most patient DP can lapse occasionally.
What I don't understand is your reaction. You seem intent on minimising DS's behaviour. He is a thief, regardless of who he is taking it from and for how long. How can you be so sure he's stopped elsewhere?
SiL is like you. DN was never had consequences. He didn't even need to come up with an excuse, she did it for him. Everything was minimised or someone else's fault. DN is now in prison for theft.

I'm surprised no one has lost thier shit at your son before now. There is nothing worse than having to turn the house upside down to find something when you are trying to leave on time.

This should have been a turning point for your DS, instead he has learned that he can manipulate his mum by saying he's stressed. You need to get on top of this with him OP, he's 8 for goodness sake.