Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

These responses are nuts.

The husband is an angry aggressive bully who vapes around his kids.

The 8 year old may well be entirely innocent.

I can’t believe you’re still pushing all the blame onto your husband. You are absolutely deluded about your son’s behaviour. Good luck, that’s all I can say! You’re going to need it!!

I'm not making an excuse for stealing things. But his behaviour is communicating something is wrong.

And if your parents gave you very little attention other than when you were naughty, might you not want to do better? We can surely do a lot better than either not talking to your kids or giving them a good hiding. A lot of Gen X grew up with self-esteem and confidence issues due to the standard shit parenting of the 1970s and 1980s and dealt with it through drink or drugs.

Kids acting up as they get no attention otherwise is absolutely classic, it's parenting 101 to praise them when they are good. As soon as parents start to give them positive attention they learn that being good is a better choice. His dad should not be on the computer all the time and ignoring him when it's family time. Perhaps he has checked out of being a parent.

If it’s not normal to steal at 8 plus, my DSs must have been in a very unusual school as both had quite a few things disappear over the years. At one point I think I was supplying half the class with pens. Water bottles were taken - for a laugh, apparently- but never resurfaced. PE kit was taken out of bags.

I think quite a few kids, well into teens, take stuff that doesn’t belong to them. There are threads on here about sibling ‘borrowing’ - without permission, which is - theft.

So OP does need to address this, I agree - and I would be tough. But I don’t think it’s that unusual.

My god OP, your parenting of this child is atrocious.

You have neglected to teach your child boundaries and that it’s wrong to steal. Notice how I’m not saying you haven’t told him not to steal….Im saying you haven’t taught him not to do it.

You say you discipline but clearly whatever you’re doing does not work. The child repeatedly steals items, do not use the euphemism of ‘hiding or moving around’. Said child does this at home and at school.

I feel very sorry for this child. The least of their problems, is their father telling them off in a stern manner. The problem is with you. You fail to see a child crying out for the safety of boundaries. This is why they are upping the ante by stealing a vape. A vape! An 8 yr old with a vape. You lie about what he is doing, fail to instil boundaries and lay the blame with others. open your eyes woman!

How much worse does this need to become before you wake up and realise that your child stealing….. is a message to you that he is struggling. He will continue to push and push the boundaries of what he can steal and from whom, until it lands him in serious trouble.

Why on earth would you not prevent that?? That’s your job as a parent.

Get your arse in gear and parent that child before they become involved with SS. Shouting at him because it stresses him out will be the least of his and your problems then!

And before you complain that the child may not have stolen the vape, perhaps your motherly duty tonight should be to tell the fable of the boy that cried wolf, as his bedtime story.

Sorry op, but his toys/stuff would be taken. Natural consequences.
A 4 year old knows this, so an 8 year would know not to do this.
i think he knows you won’t tell him off. Now he’s seen that you will take his side over dads.

Pretty much an entire generation of us grew up with little attention from one or both parents and managed not to steal other people's things.
Probably because if we were caught stealing the consequences would have been a lot tougher than dad shouting and kicking something.
Whilst your husband's reaction wasn't ideal I think your reaction is worse- why on earth did you tell him he 'obviously wouldn't be in trouble '?
He very obviously should have been in big trouble, he is known for taking things so it is a repeated bad behaviour and yet the minute he told you he was getting stressed you jumped in to defend him from the consequences of his behaviour.
You need to get a grip on this now, in the blink of an eye your 8 year old will be a teenager and his 'hiding things' will most likely end up with him causing trouble in the community and/or a stint at His Majesty's pleasure. Don't be that parent.

This is exactly what I would have done, it should have been nipped in the bud the first or second time it happened.

My DD took her older sisters headphones and put them under her bed, my older DD tore the house apart looking for them but we hadn't even thought to ask younger DD (she was 3) I found them a while later when tidying and when I asked younger DD why she had them she just said she liked them and wanted them. She was very firmly told not to take anything that's not hers again, I told her how upset her sister was and that it's not nice to take other people's things. She apologised to older sister and has never done anything like that again. Had she done it again I would have taken something of hers away regardless of whether she gave the stolen thing back and she would have been in a LOT of trouble.

You're determined for this to be your husband's fault, aren't you?

Your gentle tactics to deal with this horrible behaviour by your DS clearly aren't working, so you're going to have to try a different approach.

The more you write OP the more sorry I feel for your son, your husband sounds just horrible. It feels like the stealing is probably your child’s attempt at gaining his attention. I had a father like he does and I did things that would be considered naughty or problematic as a young child because I was so desperate for his attention, even if that was negative attention.
I hope things are able to get better for you both.

You and your husband need to be on the same page with this. It's no use your DH laughing when your child steals something. Equally, it's hopeless if you just wring your hands and witter ineffectually about it.

Your son needs firm consequences from both of you, or he'll end up in prison when he's an adult.

He sounds shit, frankly

Do you really want to be with him?

I'm wondering if your softly, softly approach, anger towards your husband and decision to involve the GP is because you think your son has a wider emotional problem and this is connected to his relationship with his dad. You said your husband doesn't spend any 1-1 time with him and has found him taking things to be funny. I think you also mentioned he more often took his dad's things. So, yes, there could be an element of him having learned when younger that this was a way to get Dad's attention and felt he couldn't get this in other ways. However, I think at 8 yrs you can still have very firm consequences for stealing, whilst also looking at other needs for support he might have. I'd suggest:

• you and husband agree on clear rule that taking other people's things is not allowed without asking them and communicate this to him together. If he does this he'll lose pocket money/ screen time - whatever works. It doesn't matter whether or not he gives them back if he's broken the basic rule. This is administered in a way with minimum fuss and attention gain and he needs to know that you will search his room if things go missing
• your husband agrees never to laugh about the stealing again and you agree to always back each other up around the issue.
• your husband gives serious thought to how he provides your son with positive attention and starts to regularly spend some quality time with him
• maybe also ask teachers how he is at school and if they have any more general concerns

That's good that the stealing has stopped outside of home and hopefully as he matures further you'll be able to turn this around.

OP; why do you give your little monster a free pass to fuck up other peoples day?

I would try suggesting your husband spends more time with him on his own, and that positive behaviour receives praise.

I just wonder why he is stealing things. Is it because he gets attention, even negative? Is he generally ignored when he is being good?

Your husband is the problem here, not least for vaping around children. Does he often overreact, shout and kick things? I would struggle to move past this.

OP, are you tired of your husband and his behaviour?
He sounds tedious and it sounds as if you have the Ick.

I think it is very strange that his father never spends 1 on 1 with him.
Poor child.
No 1 on 1, so what exactly is the quality level of interactions between father and son?
I would be concerned about your child and his emotions and yanbu to be pissed off that his father has little self regulation.

No. Shouting and kicking things is emotionally abusive.

Oh, OK, I must have been misremembering.

@MyGreenCat

Youre really intent on blaming your husband aren’t you?! He is not the one stealing. Your son is. Your son is 8 year olds so teaching him some accountability for himself and his behaviour and it’s consequences is really crucial.

Nailed It

As if.

Your son has a history of stealing things. You need to crack down because very soon he will be able to be arrested for that.